Today I had an appointment with my lawyer. His office is near the courthouse. In fact the last time I parked my car in that very lot was the day I was married. It was raining that day and my friend Beth and I were running to the courthouse in a downpour. I took off my heels and ran barefoot, I remember every detail. You could smell the deep summer rain. When we got inside the courthouse Beth's words were- "Don't worry, rain on your wedding day is good luck."
I sat in my car today for a few minutes thinking about that day and Beth's words. Everything was so green, it was deep summer and everything was so fun and we were all so happy. I sure was. There was this direction my life was going back then that was so certain and so right and so wonderful. I could not have been luckier.
Today is a very different day than that summer day. It's cold, (in the 20s), there is this dull film of salt on everything and I had my first appointment to start the whole divorce process. That being said, today is the first day I don't feel overwhelmed with grief, or anger, or doubt. It's only been a couple of weeks, but today I feel a little bit at peace. I sure wasn't there a few days ago. I know that what I need to work on is walking away and saying goodbye to a life that is no more. That means not going over and over all the bad stuff. It means looking forward, not back. Ultimately, it means forgiveness.
I will not live my life with anger and resentment taking up all the room in my heart. Forgiveness (and I'm not there) sets you free. I could go on and on about all the horrible stuff and the horrible players involved. I have spent days doing it in my head, trying to come to grips with some pretty awful stuff, but that's not what my message is about.
I picked up my son from school after the meeting with my lawyer and we went and got frozen yogurt. Sitting across from a 10-year-old digging into a Mt. McKinley of frozen yogurt and candy with a big grin on his face is more precious than anything you can imagine. For the first time in months, I had that honey glow feeling of love and joy. You don't realize how much you miss that feeling until you have it again. This voice inside me told me that everything was going to be okay.
This road called life sure can be challenging at times. There are bumps, there are mountains, there are obstacles and sometimes there are beautiful green meadows. Today my meadow was that big grin on Jack's face. Ben and Jack and I and all of my friends and family are going to be okay. There is so much goodness in this world and that's the direction I am headed. I actually laughed a couple of times today and it felt so good to be able to laugh. I have a whole lot of that joy ahead I am certain. I am grateful for that.
Five Favorite Things:
1. Getting through this step
2. Dolce de Leche frozen yogurt
3. Having an old friend direct me through a difficult time
4. knowing that when one door closes another one opens
5. Looking good in my blue dress today.
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