Yesterday was a really difficult day for me. I did not sleep at all (maybe 1 hour) and that lack of sleep is really wearing on me. I had not slept since the morning of Tuesday Jan. 14, so that's a long long time to go without sleep and food.
I keep trying to eat but there is this pit in my stomach and I can't do it.
I'm waking up now after a good night's sleep. I feel a lot better, but it's really hard to go to sleep sad and wake up sad. That first moment when I wake up, all that sadness goes away for a brief second and then all of a sudden I am reminded and then the lead suit of sadness is back again. I'm going to have to chip away at that. Today it feels impossible. This isn't going to get better over night, over the next week, over the next month and probably even over the next year. But it will get better. Lead keeps bad stuff from getting in- just an interesting perspective.
Right now the goal is get sleep, try to eat and be able to function well.No sense getting sick.
It is cold outside, I liked the feel of that cold clear air in my lungs. maybe I will take a walk today.
So later this morning my good friend Kathy is coming over to help me pack up H2's belongings that are in the bedroom. I have to go out and get boxes. I don't even know how many boxes to get but I'll figure it out. H2 is messier than I am, so it will be a much neater manageable bedroom afterward. I will have a desk for my art supplies now. minus the 1970s style chair that is his that he insisted on using with the mission style desk.that's going.
I'm keeping the stuff I want to keep. When you get married things start to belong to both people, so I have to make some decisions about which way that will go. Mine? His? Generally, I'm going to rule in my favor. Things I want I'm keeping, things I want out --his. It's interesting. The things that I really want out are smaller things- like his special mug he uses to drink tea every morning. - or the ugly sugar bowl he uses that I tried to convince him six years ago to throw out when he was packing up his things to move into my home.
So do I use past tense when writing about what he does/did? I'm going to have to sort that out I suppose. It is past tense. he doesn't USE the mug here anymore, he doesn't USE the sugar bowl here anymore- He USED the mug and he USED the sugar bowl. He is not here now doing these things so therefore it is past tense.
I'm not crying that much. I think my eyes are tired of that. People are being really nice to me and I'm grateful for that. At work I think people could tell that things were not right for me. I guess I will remind myself that there will be some days that are better than others and that it isn't a straight line forward.I keep putting makeup on for work to hide this grief. like a clown i suppose.
A male friend of mine who is much older explained that H2 left because he wants to pursue something better. I suppose that is true. It's pretty hard stuff to take in. I'm sure there are many many people out there that are "better" but I thought we were having a "better" life and I'm so so sad to know that H2 is too weak a person to hang on and try and fix things.
It's funny, as I write this all the commercials on tv are about weight loss, pills, juices etc.-- a good abandonment will do it much better.:+)
I think I'll keep today's message short. I've got some big plans ahead, I just don't know what yet but I do- So stay tuned.It's strange, after sleep I can think more. It makes me aware more of how difficult this is and I feel pretty sad and alone today.
Five favorite things:
1. my good friends
2. having some sleep after three days of no sleep
3. being hopeful that I will get through a hard day
4. knowing that I will get through a really hard day today
5. waking up tomorrow to a better day
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