Still Day 10- It's been Hard Today

My goal in this whole process is to preserve my dignity and I haven't done such a great job at that today as I process things. I learned yesterday, by pure chance, that H2 had some sort of phone/text relationship that was extensive and that began in late October-Early November-- right when all the strangeness started.  I know who she is. I'm not impressed, not that it matters- but she's hard-looking like an old shoe and looks to be in her 60s.  I've been thinking about all the times H2 was texting this woman. It happened while I slept next to him, it happened while I was awake right next to him, it happened when we went away on a trip. It happened during the day (and who knows what else) in my house when I was at work. And all the while, H2 became more cold toward me.

I've sent a couple of "fuck you" text messages to H2 today, informed him that his character in the movie made from my book would be Mickey Rourke because he had a twisted misshaped face. (i don't know where that came from) I've had a couple of heated phone calls asking for more details, which he seems to be providing now that the big cat is out of the bag. I just want to keep hammering him on that point, about the horrid behavior, about the betrayal. It feels really really creepy to know that while I was sleeping here in my room, the husband next to me was sending text messages (about who knows what) to some woman-- and for months.

Every time I left the room, every time I went downstairs to help my kids with homework, when I was in the Emergency Room with a kidney infection, I am sure this list can go on and on. But here's the rub, why am I making myself hostage to this? Why am I giving this man and this whole ordeal so much real estate in my heart? Shouldn't my focus be on rebuilding? I can't undo what's been done, and the more I dig, the worse it will feel. There is no question that what happened was awful, but I need to stop wasting my energy on it. It doesn't help me heal and it's beneath me. I'm going to have to remind myself of this very often. Have some dignity.

I went out to dinner with friends tonight and I thought for a moment, "oh this place is nice, H2 would like it," and then I got a wave of sadness because it is irrelevant what H2 likes, there won't be any pulling mussels from a shell or tasty salmon dinners to be shared with him anymore.  I feel like I should plant a gravestone somewhere.


Okay, so a couple of things: I ordered a vegetable plate at dinner- everyone looked at me like I was insane, but it was good and I feel really so much better three weeks into a plant-based diet. I haven't made a big preachy self-righteous deal about it. It just kindof happened and and I feel pretty good. Secondly- I'm back to being blonde and I'm wearing my trusty boots. These make me feel pretty powerful and they've been to quite a few places in this world.

Here is a selfie of me at this point in time. No makeup or anything, just me and a little worn for the wear, but still very much moving forward. (wearing one of my cow shirts)

Five Favorite Things:
1. the deal I made with my sister (i'm keeping my part of the bargain)
2. come on, that is some pretty good hair, don't you think?
3. getting up to go to the gym with good friends
4. making improvements on the dignity stuff
5. trying to help others as I get through this.