I put on a really pretty dress I have, plugged the address of the theater in my Garmin and went. (sorry it's hard to take a picture of a dress when you are doing a selfie) It feels better, kindof, to be around a lot of strangers. For example, right now I'd be happy walking the streets of Manhattan. There's so much privacy in that. I know that sounds strange, but there is. You become faceless in a crowd. I guess I was hoping that would happen, but instead I felt like this beacon of sadness. I was holding it all in, not tearing up or anything and a smile permanently affixed on my face.
The music was so beautiful. I'm always amazed at those composers from more than 200 years back. Hard to imagine. Today, most of the performers we have need computers to put their voices in tune and it's more about a room full of computers in terms of the sound and tits shaking around in terms of the performance..- It doesn't seem like we've progressed when you think about what composers like Mozart, Haydn etc accomplished. Their music takes my breath away (in a good way of course).
At one point, this man came out and did this beautiful solo on the French horn. It was so beautiful it hurt. I'm already hurting so much on top of that.
I was pulled over by the Frederick police on the way home. I had no idea why- maybe a brake light out? who knows? I received a verbal warning for driving down the middle of the street. The streets are so skinny and old and with all the snow piled up on the sides, it sure seemed like a one-lane road to me. It was a female officer and she was pretty nice. I think me being respectful and doing exactly what they asked might have helped. Also, I didn't know where I was going. So basically, I was this old, sad, lost woman driving in the middle of the road. She asked if I was one of the performers in the concert-- I thought that was a strange question. I must have looked like a performer? Like a clown hiding my sadness I suppose.
Well, I have to admit I am trying so hard not to be so sad. Sometimes I'm ok because I only get temporary waves of grief, but sometimes I'm just covered in it and I'm still doing everything else I need to do in life. It feels like I'm the only one walking in this syrup or something and I'm doing my best to not make it obvious. I'm trying not to keep looking back over the past few months, and more importantly, over the past 12 days. There were so many times for H2 to come clean. He never was planning to come clean.
I erased all of his text messages, because I really am trying to move forward. Forward, Forward, Forward.
Today is his birthday. We were to be in Arizona this weekend. I was going to take him to the Blues Brews and BBQ brunch for his birthday at this resort we were to have stayed. I'm not sad about missing that brunch.
okay, let me drag myself out of this syrup for a moment. Here's the hopeful stuff. I'm going to the gym in a few minutes. I'm going to get ready for a busy week at work and I'm going to go to sleep early tonight. In a few minutes, I'm going to go down and make a great cup of coffee and I'm going to watch my ridiculous dog run laps around in the snow for a few minutes (his morning workout).
Five Favorite Things:
1. the sun is out
2. not getting a ticket from that policewoman
3. having my toes warm under my chubby bulldog's body
4. Even though I am very sad, feeling pretty last night (i didn't mention but some stranger told me I looked pretty last night and I don't really hear that too often)
5. the effectiveness of the angst diet
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