It's been five years since I've posted on this blog. I'd need a lot of space and some very patient readers to discuss all that has happened over the past five years. So I will try and sum up as much as is relevant. I tend to turn to this space when I want to build and be strong and I am grateful to have that. Over the past five years, I have loved, I have lived, I have climbed, I have done a few things that were a challenge and new excitement for me and I am content with the outcome- it was the doing that made those things important, like climbing Pike's Peak, or making a movie, or painting the world. (www.she-paints.blogspot.com) These are all things I have done over the past five years. It was this great second wind and I have been so fortunate. There had been some hard times and I was able to get stronger through those struggles.
Yay, life is great! I fell in love with a wonderful man. Kind, interesting, someone who really connected with me and was okay with my free spirit. I didn't have to edit myself, so I knew I could spend the rest of my life with him and we would be each other's family and we would grow old together. I stepped carefully and after several years of companionship we married in Aug. 2012. What a happy time, I was so wise about having fun and being happy. I didn't spend a year planning a wedding, we kept it simple and just enjoyed this happiness. Our life was wonderful, even amid the chaos of life. I have two wonderful boys from my first marriage and an amicable relationship with their father- that is such a plus and works well. We had this blended family, we had figured out the road to happiness and loving each other and up until recently, I would have to pinch myself every so often and ask "is this real? how can I be so happy."
Two Days ago the bottom fell out.
My husband called me at work to tell me to cancel the upcoming vacation we had planned to go to Arizona, he didn't want to go, in fact, he didn't want to be with me anymore. Looking back now, a few things made sense. A few months ago I noticed he was getting very very distant and somewhat indifferent about things, (including me) I thought he was in some sort of funk, so I asked and asked what's wrong? can i help? for weeks. and the response was always "nothing." then one day he finally admitted he was having doubts about his life, but that was all he would say. "what do you mean? doubts about you? your job? or is it about us?" and he just said "doubts about my life" and would not elaborate. It of course got me really concerned because up until that point I thought everything was fine, but I assumed it was some sort of depression and I knew we would get through it and I suggested he go to a therapist or talk to someone about it- a third party. He set up an appointment two days later and I was so relieved- I interpreted that as him being such a great man and wanting as much as possible to fix things. I was relieved. He kept going to the appointments and things did not seem to improve and the more time progressed, the more distant he became. I wanted to give him his privacy but then every once in a while I would ask "how's therapy? Are you feeling better? do you want me to go? I want to help, should I go?" and always the response was "things are fine, no we havn't gotten to that point yet." For a few weeks that seemed normal (I'm not a therapist specialist) It seemed reasonable that for a few sessions he'd be alone with his therapist, but after a couple of months and some very strange distant behavior it started feeling really strange. I also noticed he was going out quite a bit and being vague about it. I didn't think much, because we both did a lot of things separately. He was texting people all the time and spending a lot of time with emails, again I didn't think much of it at first. He has friends and I thought it was good for him to be reaching out to his friends. He was fine-ish over the Christmas holiday. A little distant but generally there and it didn't seem too awful, but I was growing increasingly concerned. I would ask every once in a while, "what's wrong? is it something I've done? can I help?" and the same non-answer- I'm fine, nothing is wrong etc.--
Two Days ago when I got "the call"-
After the call at work, i left for home. When i arrived at home, he admitted that he did not want to be married, that he did not want to be with me- I asked why? and he did not provide a reason and I told him I loved him and suggested I go to the counselor with him, but he didn't want to do that. I suggested we go to a different counselor and he said he didn't want to do that. I asserted, "Let's fight to fix this we can get through this, I love you," and he said "I don't really have it in me, I don't want to fix it. I don't want to be married."
He then explained that over the past six months or so he has been in constant and extensive discussion with his friends (would not say who) about "figuring this out" -- what he was figuring out was how to execute his Exit Strategy. So it then made sense that it was his intention to keep me out of it. I wasn't a part of it. It all became apparent to me that everything was a big lie. Every time I asked him if it was me and he said no- it was a lie. Just two evenings before the call- i asked if he wanted to stay with me and he said "Just relax hon, no one is going anywhere" in a tone like I was a crazy person over-thinking things.-- I wasn't though, I was being removed and he was lying to me.
Over these past months, he'd sorted things out, worked out with a therapist how he could get out of the marriage, consulted with his friends about it (and probably many personal things about me that I will never know but a group of strangers discussed for months) and here I am. My two sons are having a hard time with it, especially my youngest- he is only 10 and has had my husband in his life since he has been 4. He has been sobbing and asking questions I can't answer. My oldest son (14) is keeping everything inside he's trying to be brave and it breaks my heart because he is a boy and he shouldn't have to be brave, he should be happy and not worried about things. Ok, so there you have it. This is the background that brings me to the most important part of this story, which I hope to continue to record here.
It has been two days, and I feel like I've gone through those same reactions a person goes through when their house burns down or someone unexpectedly dies in the family. So here I am, I havn't slept much and I can't eat much but I'm breathing and I'm not falling apart. In fact, quite the opposite. I already am feeling empowered. The first thing I did after sitting with this shock was I reached out to my "tribe." For the past two days I have called every good friend, nearly every family member and everyone has been so kind and so understanding. I am so fortunate to have such loyal, wonderful people in my life and I'm fortunate that I called them rather than doing something self destructive or pathetic. It didn't even occur to me to be self-pitying or self- destructive- I am so grateful for that-- I am so so grateful. Someone is truly looking out for me.
Here is another great thing. I have clarity. I know I can't be with someone who is a coward and who is not honest. I am not hoping for some sort of reconciliation or that he will change his mind or that he will come to his senses. I, I do not want to be with someone who is deceitful and weak. I see the true picture and I don't want to be a part of it. Now, I don't want you to think I'm fine, all is well etc. etc. quite the contrary, I'm heart-broken and I'm even more heart-broken that my poor children were impacted. This is not something children should have to go through, but I'm here and I'm not going away and we are going to continue and have a happy, healthy and steady life. Already I can see some calming with them. I'm going to protect them and help them get through this. Another thing I am grateful about--- that I'm strong enough and mostly concerned with their well-being. What if I were so distraught that I couldn't help them? I'd be as weak and awful as H2 (that's his new name, now that I have two husbands under my belt)
I went into work the next day after the night of "the phone call" (yesterday) and completed some important things that needed to be done, then calmly, in a very professional way explained what had happened and that I would need to have some time to recover but that I would ultimately be fine and it would not impact anything at work. I left early and went home and got in bed. I was awakened by rustling next to the bed, only to see H2 going through his things and packing his bags up, only a couple of feet away from me as I slept.-- it felt like such a terrible terrible violation-- I didn't want him in my room, he left, he spent months planning how to exit, this isn't his home, this isn't his room and I didn't want him there.
So I am sitting here in this room, half of which is filled with his stuff. His can of Arizona tea on his nightstand, a pile of clothes, nightstand full of junk shoved in there over the years, a dresser full of clothes, typical stuff and a lot of it. Guess what, it does not belong. But he does not have the right to come in and rummage through things in my room and my house (BTW I am the actual owner of the house- SO ANOTHER thing to be grateful for- I don't have to untangle him from home ownership).
The next thing I am grateful about is the strength I have to stick to that and not let him come back here and get things as he wishes. He will get all of his belongings and they will be treated with care, but he does not live here and this is not his home anymore- so I will set the parameters. I will do my best to get him his things quickly, but he will not be coming in here, he will not be around my children who need time to heal, and that is that. Hey, I am strong enough to do this!!! In prior years, I might not have been as strong. That is certainly a thing to be grateful about. He has already requested if he could "swing by" and pick up some things and very politely I declined the request because I would be packing up his things and making them available to him on Tuesday (when the kids won't be around)
Here is another thing, I have no desire to be vengeful or mean, I don't even plan to walk through life being mad at him. I can't forgive him right now and it is likely I will never be able to forgive him for hurting my children (and in such a cowardly way) but I will be at peace. I've spoken to a lot of people who are extremely mad about what he's done and to each of them I've said, "No, I'm going to do this with dignity. He has to live with this, not us and we should treat this situation with care and not think about beating him up or telling him off or whatever. (Okay, confession, the first morning after the call as I was at the bathroom sink, i did quickly swish his toothbrush around in the toilet) But that is the only thing I am going to do. It is important to handle this with dignity. I am going to live the rest of my life with myself and I don't want to have regrets about how I handled this. So there you have it. This girl is strong, and she will be stronger after this. It is really true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So I am grateful for so many things. I will probably have some missteps along the way, because this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Hands down, no other challenge or adversity comes close. So I have decided-and it will take time- to make great things come out of this. Already I am seeing that. I am going to have a better relationship with my family, I am going to put my all into being a strong woman and hard-working mother for my kids and I am going to be fair and graceful as I sort out the end of my relationship with H2.
FIVE FAVORITE THINGS:
1. Having wonderful family and friends
2. Making the right choices under such hardship
3. Actually having a few laughs today with my cousin
4. having thrown out that can of Arizona tea on the nightstand
5. not having any regrets about what I've done so far.
stay tuned, more to come.
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