Well, I just wanted to jot this down while things are fresh in my mind. I just had a sit down with H2 and slowly things are coming out. Not everything but some things. It seems that he and I process things very differently. I'm very direct, sometimes too direct and he is very indirect. I agreed not to use the term passive aggressive anymore because in a very upset and direct voice he asked me to. So "indirect" is the new term to describe when H2 did not directly express his true feelings or speak up about things and responded in a way that was opposite of his words.
I'm not shifting blame all to myself- I am now learning that I did some things that did not sit well with him, and I didn't even realize it. That's probably pretty hard from his vantage point, but still, it was his job to tell me. I sure hope I would have responded toward it well if he had told me. I don't know. Looking back I wish I had the chance.
So I agreed today that nothing is set in stone although I am not hopeful or expectant that H2 and I will be together again and if that were to happen, there is a lot of recovery and work that must be done. I did say that if we arrived at that, I would be willing to work as hard as I could. We have not arrived at that and I don't know that we will. If I were to make a bet today on that, the answer would be no.
Tomorrow I go back to work and it's going to be an insane crazy day. I need to get a lot of stuff done today in preparation for that. I want to clean all of the clothes, the kids need to clean their rooms top to bottom. And we need to get this house back in the kind of shape it needs to be for normal operation. I do feel a bit resentful because the boys are just making messes everywhere. Even though I pleaded with them to be more considerate. I guess I need not take it personally, they are little boys.
I can't say there has been any progress today. Nor has there been any change. There's just been this day. But all of his stuff that was in my room is gone now and I will move forward from here. It might be very very very microscopic steps today coupled with a lot of stopping points. It's just how it will have to be for a while and perhaps a very long time.
Five Favorite Things:
1. having dark sunglasses when you need them
2. eventually having all clean clothes today
3. having the willingness to be strong
4. recognizing that I can't always be strong
5. forgiving myself when I need to
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