I've been spending several hours today packing up H2's belongings that he left in the bedroom. It's most of his things and they are all integrated in with my things like you would see in a marriage. Lots of lists of things I asked him to pick up at the market, receipts etc.
To be honest I don't know how he has been functioning since Jan. 14 without some of the things. He left his eyeglasses, some medicines he needs, etc. So this will get to him safely.
Many of my friends and family members have suggested shoving everything in bags or something quick like that. That certainly would have been a lot easier, but I don't think it would have been the right thing. He was someone who made me really really happy for many years. I've spent a good many years of my life searching for happiness and I found it. But for things out of my control this is all coming to an end.
So all day, I've been carefully folding his shirts and putting little tools in plastic bags, and carefully collecting all his letters, bills etc. I thought this would be a hard day for me, but it's been pretty cathartic. I'm carefully packing this part of my life away. I'm really so very sad, I feel like an old widow putting her life-long love's things away, but it's a good process for me. I know the way this will all be fixed is when I forgive him and come to an understanding about what happened. I'm not there yet, but I will be. I want to be there. Having forgiveness for the really hard things is what brings peace and sets you free.
I get this clarity and peace in little nuggets and boy am I so grateful for that. It's only day 4. I am hopeful that it won't be just little nuggets but a lasting thing in my heart eventually but I know that will take time. Tomorrow may be more difficult for me. But today I am ok.
I came across a list he wrote that was in his nightstand. It's mostly just random thoughts and I was hoping it would shed some light on why he left me but one thing in particular struck me--
"last chance to Joy and Happiness?"-- No, even hurting me and my boys like this is not going to be his last chance to have joy and happiness. Even after abandoning me and my two boys, this is not his last chance to find joy and happiness. We never lose those chances. But I'd like to say chance is the wrong word. Happiness doesn't come to you by chance- happiness is something you go and find and it comes from strength inside. It is sad to know that someone you can love so much and had intended to share the rest of your life with doesn't know this basic thing.
Well, I need to get back to my work here packing up his things. It's helping me.
Five favorite things:
1. FINALLY having several hours of sleep
2. A good talk over coffee with Kathy
3. Being brave at a really hard time
4. Really carefully packing away a loved one's things and knowing that this is the right way to start the process of saying goodbye
5. Knowing that one day I will be able to forgive him.
Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart,
until, in our own despair,
against our will,
comes wisdom
through the awful grace of God.
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