There have been repeated text messages and phone calls (most of which I initiated) and my head is swirling because I can't tell if I'm weak or sad, or confused or mad. At some points I feel like, Okay, I can get through this, I have closure. For example, packing up his belongs was a good process for me. My room looks much less cluttered now too. so I can make it more a nice girly room that is neater. But then this desire to fix him, (not necessarily to come back to me) but just so he would be well came over me and I wrote a raft of emails discussing life, and that happiness and joy must be sought they do not come by chance etc. Like I was his cheerleader to feel okay about all this. Why would any one in her right mind do that? Then I thought maybe I'l just do what I can to feel beautiful and he will want me and then that fire will kick in and this whole nightmare will be over. (Let the record be straight, I know I could force or lure him back, I could have begged him to stay that night and he would have, I could have allowed a temporary break for him, keeping everything warm until he comes back, but what future is that? and in the end how ultimately would I feel? I'm trying to be true to myself here and not weak.-- )
Reality check: No
Last summer we rented this amazing beach house, a big one, right on the beach in the Outer Banks of NC- it was lovely. There was stress getting there and I took that out on him. We left at 4 in the morning and arrived around 9:30 am, but our house was not available till 3:00 so we were wandering around without sleep and trying to figure out what to do and I was responding and reacting without any slack left in my rope. I'll just leave it at that. However, once we got there it was perfect. He kept calling it "the summer of H2." I suppose it was the "last summer of H2" that would be shared with me. It's certainly not my last "summer of Joanne." I've got a lot of those in store. and my boys, I hope will remember all of those with fond memories.
This was the view from our deck. Those were great clouds, don't you think? I love it when the sky and the horizon meet like this. It prompted me to paint this.
My skies are happier I know. But I just wanted to provide the two pictures. So you could see how great it was.
At any rate, in one of the weakness phone calls i made over the past six days, I mentioned to H2 that my best friend Kathy would be going to the beach with me this summer. My thought process was more like "hey I worked it out, it's not going to be a sad summer for me and the boys, we're going to move on and make it a great time." Like an FYI, not an in-your-face sort of thing. I'm sure he took it the latter way.
I don't know what went through his head, but probably a: wow, she really moves fast, (because you see, he's now informing me that all he wanted was some time to get away to think and decide if he wanted to be married. You may think to yourself I should allow that. And at times I do too. But what would the end result be? Uncertainty for sure. I won't know which way he will decide and if by chance, he decides that he does want to be with me, that may take some undetermined amount of time to arrive at that- and I live in that uncertainty waiting to know if someone loves me or not. That uncertainty always lives there and would hinder my ability to really fully be safe to give him my heart. I would be at such unrest and I would never feel safe. Ok, so then he does decide he wants to be married, he comes back, and then I'm living the rest of my life fearing that this may happen again, or that I may make some mistake and cause it to happen. Final and most important point on this----- I lose my dignity in the process. I don't know at times if I'm doing the right thing. I love him. but I have to for once love myself. I feel this has been a big problem for me throughout my life. and I just have to learn to love myself at some point-- I'm 50- I'll be in my final years in the next three decades.--
I'm trying as hard as I can to not lose my dignity. Then I'll be a sad, pathetic person and I don't want to be that. I also want to minimize how much stuff I need to regret. As I explained, I've already made some mistakes this week. So, if anyone out there is reading this. And I don't know if that's the case, please wish for me that I will be able to preserve my dignity. I've already dipped his toothbrush in the toilet, and that is not very dignified - although it did make me laugh and it did make me feel good for a second.
Telling the World
It is strange but now when I tell the story to people outside of the first ring of my tribe, It feels like I'm telling someone else's story. I'm not sobbing or sad, It's a story. Is this grief? Is this part of the processing?
It's the story that keeps processing in my heart that is the hard part. I'm past the sobbing stuff and that horrible dagger in my heart seems to have gone if not permanently at least for now. I got sick of looking at an old, tired, puffy-eyed woman. No one likes a sad person. especially the sad person.
That whole thing where you count your blessings, I've been doing that over and over. Unlike others, I am not blind to my blessings. But I'm sick of it. It's like an LP with the arm up on the turntable playing over and over and over. sounds good the first couple of times, becomes annoying after that. And turns into this album you never want to hear again. On that note (ha ha), i've also become this person over the past six days who speaks in analogies and I hate that. It's a bad habit to over-use analogies. Is that grief? Is this what I've become now this feeble 50 year old who can only speak in analogies?
The dog slept on top of my feet last night. that was kindof cozy. I love him, but I also worry that I cannot manage a dog, two boys, too much house payment for an abandoned woman etc. It's Jan. 21 and I am the only one on my street with Christmas tree lights up for example. There are also all these things I didn't know how to do that H2 did- like replacing headlamps in the car and windshield wipers, and keeping all of our electronics- the wifi etc in order. I'm going to have to learn how to do all that stuff. Luckily, there are a lot of things I do know how to do in terms of keeping a house, so I'm okay in the long-run. I have a 14 (almost 15) year old son, who is good with electronics. so maybe he can fill that role. I'm also just going to have to start reading user manuals for a change.
Tomorrow when I go to work, it's going to be a crazy busy day. I'm very thankful I've had sleep. sleep makes such a big difference. I'm also re-introducing food into my life after 6 days. Last night I had a big plate of roasted brussels sprouts and roasted butternut squash. It never tasted better. I'm less interested and attentive to the television. I think ultimately, less tv is a great thing. So I am going to build on that. There are so many better ways to spend my time. Getting my house in order will feel very good. I can become one of those people who has a really organized house. Then I can start doing some things I've always wanted to do, like painting my bedroom and sprucing up other areas of the house. It won't happen all at once but these are all good projects and not too costly.
I know I will learn to live with this. And I know there are all these processes, and I know time is something that will be part of the equation. I hope I don't backslide, I hope I can make something better of myself and I hope this period will be brief so that critical years of my two sons' childhood are not clouded by my grief. They seem happy, but I am consumed with grief right now- i'm not sobbing all of over the place. I'm keeping it together but I have all this stuff running through my head and I'm not storing all these memories of my two sons.- that's the hard part. So I think that has to be my motivation.
Well. I feel like I'm rambling. So I will stop.
Five Favorite Things:
1. Two boys living a happy life
2. Another clear, crisp day outside (snow and sleet would be a bit hard right now)
3. This cup of coffee that I made for myself. (having to make it myself is a change, but I'm living with it and I do it well.)
4. Getting the Christmas decorations down and put away today
5. Being able to have another night of sleep under my belt.
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