Today is day five since H2 left me. It was a sudden departure and he left with all of his things intact. all of his checks, his medicines, his eye glasses etc. very strange. That was hard for me to have his belongings here b/c his words were so permanent but yet his departure was so fleeting. Especially to have all that in my room. His favorite mug he drank tea from was on the nighstand half full and all of his clothes were in a pile on his desk. It was hard.
As I mentioned previously, I spent the bulk of day four packing up his belongings, carefully. It's really hard to figure out what to say here. I know he left me, he doesn't want to be married and he is doubting that he ever loved me. Which, in effect, negates our marriage and our entire relationship I suppose. I get that. But I love him and I'm worried about him. And I was happy so I wonder if I was the only one who was happy. I should be throwing things or being really mad, but I am not. Maybe i am still in shock, but I sure hope he is ok one day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not worried about him and ignoring my life and my kids. Quite the contrary. He is very weak, I could have begged him not to leave btw and i didn't. I could have left everything of his intact and he would have come back more easily. I could have compromised my dignity by leaving everything here- "Come home dear when you can" kindof stuff. I didn't do that. So I feel like I was a brave girl yesterday. It may seem like a small feat but i did it.
The world looks so different right now. People posting happy things about wedding anniversaries and other big events on FaceBook and I'm happy for them, but I feel like one of those people peering into to a really buzzing nice restaurant. It looks so warm and happy and I'm cold and alone on the street. But it is nice to see that happy scene. I used to be one the people in that scene.
I can tell that today is going to be hard. It's sunday. Every Sunday morning for the past six years I've spent lounging in bed with him watching CBS Sunday morning and drinking Coffee (me) , Tea (him). So today, I have to decide if I'm going to be brave and watch CBS Sunday Morning by myself or if 'm going to close that chapter for now and create a new tradition for sunday mornings. (yeah yeah yeah, you healthy ones - i know go to the gym etc. I could write your books for you).
Well, I guess I'm ready now to step into today. I havn't decided how I will step into today, but it will come to me.
Five favorite things:
1. sleeping a full night (second night in a row, thanks to Ativan)
2. hearing little Jack in his room next door fiddling with his legos
3. this dumb and annoying bulldog sleeping at my feet
4. having many of the important things in my life intact
5. a new day (new days are always a blessing)
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