The relationship with someone outside of our marriage that had gone on for months and the details of that are just things I won't even go into specifics about. I will say I feel very violated about these things, most of which took place in my home. Sometimes right next to me as I slept. All of this being said, the hardest part for me is that h2 had countless opportunities to come clean about this, but instead he did things to blame me and treated me pretty poorly over the past several months and even more so since Jan. 14.That is the hardest part.
The woman writing this post right now has made so many mistakes in her lifetime, and what she has learned is that coming clean and being accountable- albeit very difficult to do- is the only way to fix things and it is the only way to fix yourself and actually live with yourself.
It was easier to not tell the truth. For him, that was the path of least resistance. As we all know, the path to integrity is usually NOT the path of least resistance. This is one area where it is so important in life not to take the easy way out.
I told him I hated him yesterday and then immediately in my heart felt so sad for saying that because it is so far from the truth. I don't hate him. I could never hate him. Unfortunately, I love him. I wish I didn't because he doesn't deserve my love, but I do love him. Have I forgiven him, no. Will I forgive him one day, yes. But there is no way I will ever hate him. I just wish there could be some major changes in him, for his own good.
I'm getting used to being alone. Every once in a while I am overcome with this grief. I used to wake up with him breathing next to me and I would touch his back and it would be all warm. We enjoyed great dinners together and we have had some wonderful experiences. I remember being so very happy at times, my life felt like that golden honey color when the sun is starting to go down late in the afternoon. That was a wonderful thing. Now, so tragically all of that is over-shadowed by this mess. So I'm grieving the loss of that and also that he made such bad choices and never planned to be honest with me. (that is a hard one).
I shot this picture in Western Pennsylvania. we were all on a little getaway last August (2013) and I made them turn around the car and drive me back down this country road because I thought I saw a field of sunflowers (I did-the photo at the top of this website) Then we came across this field and they waited in the car as I climbed through some bushes and brush to shoot this picture. It was that golden hour of the day, when the sun is like warm honey all around. That is how I felt being with H2 before all this happened. Life was a beautiful balance of happiness, safety and love. I am so sad that I have to say goodbye to that. But I have to. Losing something that was so special is really really hard. But it is time to say goodbye.
In addition, over the past several years, I have gotten away from a lifestyle I liked, one that was more healthy. So the plus in all of this is that I have an opportunity to fix that.The opportunity was there all along, but I guess I needed a pretty big catalyst. Today I'm going to go to my general practitioner and have a discussion about things I need to change. It's time to fix me now too.
Today is not only day 13 since H2 left, it also marks the 13th day that I have been on a plant-based diet. No meat, no dairy, just God's bounty of great fruit and vegetables. I feel so much better physically. Through all this hardship I am enduring, my body is feeling better. I'm so grateful for that. I've lost weight and I feel like I have so much more energy. This is the door that has opened for me when another one shut.
Life has so many things to offer and sometimes it takes some really good hardship to drive us to make changes. I'm a sad girl, but I'm also a hopeful girl and I am trying, (trying very very hard) not to be an angry girl. The anger thing is toxic. I don't want to walk this earth with anger in my heart.
Five Favorite Things:
1. this bulldog sleeping at my feet
2. coming to my senses in how I need to handle myself (work in progress I'm pretty bad at it right now)
3. being the kind of person who still loves someone, even though they have done such horrible things
4. being a person who doesn't want to live with anger in her heart
5. going to the gym later this morning.
It is important to be kind to the world, to treat people with kindness, even when it seems they don't deserve it. This is what I want to do.
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