Running Barefoot in the Rain

Today I had an appointment with my lawyer. His office is near the courthouse. In fact the last time I parked my car in that very lot was the day I was married. It was raining that day and my friend Beth and I were running to the courthouse in a downpour. I took off my heels and ran barefoot, I remember every detail. You could smell the deep summer rain. When we got inside the courthouse Beth's words were- "Don't worry, rain on your wedding day is good luck."

I sat in my car today for a few minutes thinking about that day and Beth's words. Everything was so green, it was deep summer and everything was so fun and we were all so happy. I sure was. There was this direction my life was going back then that was so certain and so right and so wonderful.  I could not have been luckier.

Today is a very different day than that summer day. It's cold, (in the 20s), there is this dull film of salt on everything and  I had my first appointment to start the whole divorce process. That being said, today is the first day I don't feel overwhelmed with grief, or anger, or doubt. It's only been a couple of weeks, but today I feel a little bit at peace. I sure wasn't there a few days ago. I know that what I need to work on is walking away and saying goodbye to a life that is no more. That means not going over and over all the bad stuff. It means looking forward, not back.  Ultimately, it means forgiveness.

I will not live my life with anger and resentment taking up all the room in my heart. Forgiveness (and I'm not there) sets you free. I could go on and on about all the horrible stuff and the horrible players involved. I have spent days doing it in my head, trying to come to grips with some pretty awful stuff, but that's not what my message is about.

I picked up my son from school after the meeting with my lawyer and we went and got frozen yogurt. Sitting across from a 10-year-old digging into a Mt. McKinley of frozen yogurt and candy with a big grin on his face is more precious than anything you can imagine. For the first time in months, I had that honey glow feeling of love and joy. You don't realize how much you miss that feeling until you have it again. This voice inside me told me that everything was going to be okay.

This road called life sure can be challenging at times. There are bumps, there are mountains, there are obstacles and sometimes there are beautiful green meadows. Today my meadow was that big grin on Jack's face. Ben and Jack and I and all of my friends and family are going to be okay. There is so much goodness in this world and that's the direction I am headed. I actually laughed a couple of times today and it felt so good to be able to laugh. I have a whole lot of that joy ahead I am certain. I am grateful for that.

Five Favorite Things:
1. Getting through this step
2. Dolce de Leche  frozen yogurt
3. Having an old friend direct me through a difficult time
4. knowing that when one door closes another one opens
5. Looking good in my blue dress today.

A Quiet Morning

Well, the reality of all the nasty stuff that has happened to me has set in. It was going on behind my back for several months. There were many people who knew about it and, of course, I was the last one to find out. In my hopeful way I even was fighting the fight trying to save something that isn't worth saving. Kindof hard to swallow, but it's an age-old story. It just turns out that I am in it this time.

I've had a couple of weeks to know about it and process it now. I'm disappointed in the lack of integrity of some but I can't fix that. I can only focus on my own integrity. Two weeks seems like a condensed amount of time I know, but in the long-run I'll be happy. A lot of wise people have told me this, but when it comes to matters of the heart it's hard to accept.  I'm ready to put all of this behind me.  I have a meeting with my lawyer this afternoon and then the work will be done to settle all legal issues.  I have a long journey ahead, but I have so many people behind me and that is strength in numbers.  According to my stats, I've got a lot of you out there reading this too. Strength in numbers. Thanks for being behind me. This process of blogging really is a two-way street. You help me and I hope my words bring some value to you.

It is very cold out. It's going to be very hard to get out of this warm bed. I don't need to go down and make coffee this morning because my doctor has taken me off of it. No coffee now for the next few months.  By circumstance, I've also quit TV because I can't concentrate on it and it is generally a waste of time.  Last night I read FDR's famous speech about the four freedoms. That was inspiring. He was convincing a nation during the Great Depression that it was necessary to go to war. Urging people to be strong and also admitting to his challenges. I liked that. It was brave and honest.

I posted this picture of Jack flying a kite because it is one of my favorites. Below the video is of my dear old friend Spencer kayaking with Ben.

I am thinking of heading down South to see Spencer. It's easy to get cheap flights to Atlanta. I need some time with an old friend. It's kindof like heading back to base camp.  Right now he's into roasting coffee (ha) in small batches and also baking bread in this clay oven he built outside. It should be fun to see how all that's done. I love it when people get into exploring new things. I find people like that to be so interesting and full of depth. They are curious, they are not afraid to make mistakes and they know how to do a lot of stuff.


I'm awake early today because I have to edit this newsletter thing that we send out early. A woman who is from Idaho but chooses to live in France compiles the newsletter. She sounds like she has a great life. I just edited it. All the news that matters to the world of financial derivatives. :+) Now I'm back to this.

This is a new journey. I'm moving forward now with some pretty horrible stuff that has happened and been thrown at me. And I haven't handled it as well as I should have at times. This is what you do. You march on. my hardships are nothing compared to what people have endured in poorer countries, or during war or a depression. So I'm in good shape and I will tell you that every step of the way, people have been so kind to me.

Five Favorite Things:
1. having a nice doctor
2. accepting that I am now officially sick of eating butternut squash
3. having all my laundry done
4. a faithful little bulldog
5. stepping into the day

The Countdown Stops

Okay, I'm done thinking about what happened and how many days ago, and who lied and who was messaging etc. It's all awful stuff, the people involved are not worth my energy. So this will be the last I speak of that terrible mess.

I have some medical issues I need to address in the coming weeks. Nothing I can't handle and certainly nothing to stop this woman. I will try and do updates as frequently as I can but for now I think   I have  a beautiful art studio and a great big blank canvas awaiting me. I'm going to focus on that for a while.

 Please feel free to visit my other blog site with all of my art work.
www.she-paints.blogspot.com

Five Favorite Things:
1. my family
2. my friends, many of whom I've had in my life for decades
3. my cozy home with my two boys
4. having a whole lot of clarity
5. getting back into painting.

talk soon!

Day 13- The process of Forgiving and Moving On

It has been 13 days since H2 left me, said he didn't love me and didn't want to be married. It has been only a few days since I found out the reason. I am wrestling with the reason, and it's some ugly behavior on his part.

The relationship with someone outside of our marriage that had gone on for months and the details of that are just things I won't even go into specifics about. I will say I feel very violated about these things, most of which took place in my home. Sometimes right next to me as I slept. All of this being said, the hardest part for me is that h2 had countless opportunities to come clean about this, but instead he did things to blame me and treated me pretty poorly over the past several months and even more so since Jan. 14.That is the hardest part.

The woman writing this post right now has made so many mistakes in her lifetime, and what she has learned is that coming clean and being accountable- albeit very difficult to do- is the only way to fix things and it is the only way to fix yourself and actually live with yourself.

It was easier to not tell the truth. For him, that was the path of least resistance. As we all know, the path to integrity is usually NOT the path of least resistance. This is one area where it is so important in life not to take the easy way out.

I told him I hated him yesterday and then immediately in my heart felt so sad for saying that because it is so far from the truth.  I don't hate him. I could never hate him. Unfortunately, I love him. I wish I didn't because he doesn't deserve my love, but I do love him. Have I forgiven him, no. Will I forgive him one day, yes. But there is no way I will ever hate him. I just wish there could be some major changes in him, for his own good.

I'm getting used to being alone. Every once in a while I am overcome with this grief. I used to wake up with him breathing next to me and I would touch his back and it would be all warm.  We enjoyed great dinners together and we have had some wonderful experiences. I remember being so very happy at times, my life felt like that golden honey color when the sun is starting to go down late in the afternoon. That was a wonderful thing. Now, so tragically all of that is over-shadowed by this mess. So I'm grieving the loss of that and also that he made such bad choices and never planned to be honest with me. (that is a hard one).

I shot this picture in Western Pennsylvania. we were all on a little getaway last August (2013) and I made them turn around the car and drive me back down this country road because I thought I saw a field of sunflowers (I did-the photo at the top of this website) Then we came across this field and they waited in the car as I climbed through some bushes and brush to shoot this picture. It was that golden hour of the day, when the sun is like warm honey all around. That is how I felt being with H2 before all this happened. Life was a beautiful balance of happiness, safety and love. I am so sad that I have to say goodbye to that. But I have to. Losing something that was so special is really really hard. But it is time to say goodbye.

 In addition, over the past several years, I have gotten away from a lifestyle I liked, one that was more healthy. So the plus in all of this is that I have an opportunity to fix that.The opportunity was there all along, but I guess I needed a pretty big catalyst.  Today I'm going to go to my general practitioner and have a discussion about things I need to change. It's time to fix me now too.

Today is not only day 13 since H2 left, it also marks the 13th day that I have been on a plant-based diet. No meat, no dairy, just God's bounty of great fruit and vegetables. I feel so much better physically. Through all this hardship I am enduring, my body is feeling better. I'm so grateful for that. I've lost weight and I feel like I have so much more energy.  This is the door that has opened for me when another one shut.

Life has so many things to offer and sometimes it takes some really good hardship to drive us to make changes. I'm a sad girl, but I'm also a hopeful girl and I am trying, (trying very very hard) not to be an angry girl. The anger thing is toxic. I don't want to  walk this earth with anger in my heart.

Five Favorite Things:
1. this bulldog sleeping at my feet
2. coming to my senses in how I need to handle myself (work in progress I'm pretty bad at it right now)
3. being the kind of person who still loves someone, even though they have done such horrible things
4. being a person who doesn't want to live with anger in her heart
5. going to the gym later this morning.

It is important to be kind to the world, to treat people with kindness, even when it seems they don't deserve it. This is what I want to do.

Day 12- Walking in Syrup

Last evening, in an effort to avoid being sad here in this house, I  drove an hour away to Frederick, an old town west of Washington, D.C. There is this old theater "the Weinberg center" built in the 1920s and the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra plays there at times. So I was fortunate to get a ticket for an All-Mozart concert.  And, I had an end seat, which is what I always prefer.

I put on a really pretty dress I have, plugged the address of the theater in my Garmin and went. (sorry it's hard to take a picture of a dress when you are doing a selfie)  It feels better, kindof, to be around a lot of strangers. For example, right now I'd  be happy walking the streets of Manhattan. There's so much privacy in that. I know that sounds strange, but there is. You become faceless in a crowd. I guess I was hoping that would happen, but instead I felt like this beacon of sadness. I was holding it all in, not tearing up or anything and a smile permanently affixed on my face.

The music was so beautiful. I'm always amazed at those composers from more than 200 years back. Hard to imagine. Today, most of the performers we have need computers to put their voices in tune and it's more about a room full of computers in terms of the sound and tits shaking around in terms of the performance..- It doesn't seem like we've progressed when you think about what composers like Mozart, Haydn etc accomplished. Their music takes my breath away (in a good way of course).

At one point, this man came out and did this beautiful solo on the French horn. It was so beautiful it hurt. I'm already hurting so much on top of that. 

I was pulled over by the Frederick police on the way home. I had no idea why- maybe a brake light out? who knows? I received a verbal warning for driving down the middle of the street. The streets are so skinny and old and with all the snow piled up on the sides, it sure seemed like a one-lane road to me. It was a female officer and she was pretty nice. I think me being respectful and doing exactly what they asked might have helped. Also, I didn't know where I was going. So basically, I was this old, sad, lost woman driving in the middle of the road. She asked if I was one of the performers in the concert-- I thought that was a strange question.  I must have looked like a performer? Like a clown hiding my sadness I suppose.

Well, I have to admit I am trying so hard not to be so sad. Sometimes I'm ok because I only get temporary waves of grief, but sometimes I'm just covered in it and I'm still doing everything else I need to do in life. It feels like I'm the only one walking in this syrup or something and I'm doing my best to not make it obvious. I'm trying not to keep looking back over the past few months, and more importantly, over the past 12 days. There were so many times for H2 to come clean. He never was planning to come clean.

I erased all of his text messages, because I really am trying to move forward. Forward, Forward, Forward.

Today is his birthday. We were to be in Arizona this weekend. I was going to take him to the Blues Brews and BBQ brunch for his birthday at this resort we were to have stayed. I'm not sad about missing that brunch.

okay, let me drag myself out of this syrup for a moment. Here's the hopeful stuff. I'm going to the gym in a few minutes. I'm going to get ready for a busy week at work and I'm going to go to sleep early tonight. In a few minutes, I'm going to go down and make a great cup of coffee and I'm going to watch my ridiculous dog run laps around in the snow for a few minutes (his morning workout).

Five Favorite Things:
1. the sun is out
2. not getting a ticket from that policewoman
3. having my toes warm under my chubby bulldog's body
4. Even though I am very sad, feeling pretty last night (i didn't mention but some stranger told me I looked pretty last night and I don't really hear that too often)
5. the effectiveness of the angst diet

Day 11- Owning the Day

I've been up since 5:00 am. Not because I couldn't sleep, but because I woke up. Last night was the first night I fell asleep on my own without the help of Mr. Ativan and I'm glad. I feel clear-headed and rested and ready to take on the day. It is cold outside and the snow is still blanketing the ground. It makes everything look clean and tucked in.

Here is today's morning sky. I just shot this a few minutes ago.

I like it when the day is just starting to open up. Everyone is tucked in and safe in bed, it's quiet and I get to have my first crack at the day. This summer, when we were at the Outer Banks I took some pictures of the start of the day, it's a pretty magical moment and it's something you enjoy with this solitude that I think people really need and don't often find.

Here is another one of my favorite pictures from that trip. This is how I'll remember my Jack, even when he's grown up.

I like to fly kites. Correction, I LOVE to fly kites. I always have. When I was young, I used to try and make kites or I'd try and get those paper kites to fly, tearing rags up to make a tail and on some days I'd be so determined even when there was no wind. I still am like that, but I have a rather extensive collection of kites (and they even have names). My boys like to fly kites now too. I guess I've passed that on to them. It's something we do and in many ways I think it's this optimism we all share. I don't think there is anything more positive than getting something to go very high up into the sky.  Just a really nice thought to put out there.

Today is day 11, since the H2 event. I'm going to the gym with my best friend Kathy and her sister and daughter today. It is nice to be around people. They have all these things going on in their lives and it's good to think and talk about that rather than focusing on this situation I'm sorting out. It gives me time to quietly stitch this heart back together a bit. I guess for a while, I'll be carrying this sadness thing but I won't be a sad person I will be a hopeful person. Correction, I AM a hopeful person.  I can't undo the things that have happened. I wasn't driving that bus, but I am in control of my life and how I manage this. I'm going to make it a good day today.

On a different subject,  I've got a giant bag of kale in my refrigerator that I think I will work with today. Not sure what I'm in the mood for, but I'll think of something. Confession, right now I feel like having a warm cinnamon bun (don't happen to have any of those in my house).

Five Favorite Things
1. persistent little boys getting colorful things up into the air
2. this cup of joe I'm drinking
3. a young day
4. progress, albeit slow
5. keeping to that pact I made with my sister.

Still Day 10- It's been Hard Today

My goal in this whole process is to preserve my dignity and I haven't done such a great job at that today as I process things. I learned yesterday, by pure chance, that H2 had some sort of phone/text relationship that was extensive and that began in late October-Early November-- right when all the strangeness started.  I know who she is. I'm not impressed, not that it matters- but she's hard-looking like an old shoe and looks to be in her 60s.  I've been thinking about all the times H2 was texting this woman. It happened while I slept next to him, it happened while I was awake right next to him, it happened when we went away on a trip. It happened during the day (and who knows what else) in my house when I was at work. And all the while, H2 became more cold toward me.

I've sent a couple of "fuck you" text messages to H2 today, informed him that his character in the movie made from my book would be Mickey Rourke because he had a twisted misshaped face. (i don't know where that came from) I've had a couple of heated phone calls asking for more details, which he seems to be providing now that the big cat is out of the bag. I just want to keep hammering him on that point, about the horrid behavior, about the betrayal. It feels really really creepy to know that while I was sleeping here in my room, the husband next to me was sending text messages (about who knows what) to some woman-- and for months.

Every time I left the room, every time I went downstairs to help my kids with homework, when I was in the Emergency Room with a kidney infection, I am sure this list can go on and on. But here's the rub, why am I making myself hostage to this? Why am I giving this man and this whole ordeal so much real estate in my heart? Shouldn't my focus be on rebuilding? I can't undo what's been done, and the more I dig, the worse it will feel. There is no question that what happened was awful, but I need to stop wasting my energy on it. It doesn't help me heal and it's beneath me. I'm going to have to remind myself of this very often. Have some dignity.

I went out to dinner with friends tonight and I thought for a moment, "oh this place is nice, H2 would like it," and then I got a wave of sadness because it is irrelevant what H2 likes, there won't be any pulling mussels from a shell or tasty salmon dinners to be shared with him anymore.  I feel like I should plant a gravestone somewhere.


Okay, so a couple of things: I ordered a vegetable plate at dinner- everyone looked at me like I was insane, but it was good and I feel really so much better three weeks into a plant-based diet. I haven't made a big preachy self-righteous deal about it. It just kindof happened and and I feel pretty good. Secondly- I'm back to being blonde and I'm wearing my trusty boots. These make me feel pretty powerful and they've been to quite a few places in this world.

Here is a selfie of me at this point in time. No makeup or anything, just me and a little worn for the wear, but still very much moving forward. (wearing one of my cow shirts)

Five Favorite Things:
1. the deal I made with my sister (i'm keeping my part of the bargain)
2. come on, that is some pretty good hair, don't you think?
3. getting up to go to the gym with good friends
4. making improvements on the dignity stuff
5. trying to help others as I get through this.

Day 10- How to Move Forward When You've Been Deceived

Today is day 10 since H2 informed me he did not want to be married and did not love me. And left. He did not give me reasons and was very vague about things, telling me he was unable to explain, and as it has turned out, he was hiding something. Countless times over the past few months he was hiding that he was texting another  woman. And countless times when I was asking him about what was wrong, or what I could do to help, he lied. I'm glad the truth is out now, but never would I have expected him to be a person of such low character and I'm sorry that my lovely two boys were exposed to this.

I think what is most difficult is that through this time, he has been blaming me. So weak and very very deceitful. It's hard to really think about this, but in my home he texted this woman while I was in bed with him, he texted her Christmas morning, he texted her a couple of weeks ago when he and I were at a beautiful Inn in Virginia. On and on. And he treated me like I was the problem. 

Being lied to is really really hard, no matter who does it. It makes you feel rotten and discarded and unsafe. We build this trust with people, especially those we love, and when they break it, it is very hard on a person. It was not the way I should have been treated. The reality is, however, I do not have control over how people treat me, I have control over myself and how I treat people including myself.There are so many paths I could take from this point on. I could be the bitter woman who never trusts anyone, I could be the sad person who becomes self-destructive or I could build from this. Bad behavior, the stuff that is slapped at you and knocks the wind out of your lungs, can help you too. It seems hard to believe, but it's a time to rebuild and refocus and become a better person.

I swam a quarter mile today in the pool. I wanted to swim a full mile but there was this fat guy sharing my lane and he was bothering me so I chose to stop swimming. Everyone keeps saying, this too shall pass. They don't know what to say because they are shocked and sad and there really isn't anything that can be said beyond that. I know that the terrible pain will go away or soften, but this event will be something that I won't forget. I won't hold it in with hatred, but I will use it as a guide, as a tool to make sure I do the right thing in life.

Today I see a sad, broken-hearted woman in the mirror, but she's got fight.

This is my family, God has blessed me. I'm so lucky to have them. Nothing is perfect, but we love each other. 

Jilted Wife Recipe #2
Roasted Mushrooms and Butternut Squash
1 lb of button mushrooms, trimmed and cleaned
1 pound of butternut squash cubed.
1 tablespoon olive oil
salt and fresh cracked pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 375.
On a baking sheet lightly sprinkle the mushrooms and butternut squash with olive oil and salt and pepper, roast for 25 minutes-- enjoy. A very nice wintery dish. A veggie's potroast kindof thing.


Five Favorite Things:
1. swimming this morning and having my own lane for part of the time
2. accepting that now there is no gray area
3. this cup of joe I'm drinking
4. that today is Friday
5. that next week I will have my happy little boys.

It is hard to decide if the love I felt was real or not. Because of this charade over the past few months, it all seems so unreal. I have to remind myself that I'm going to learn a whole lot more by moving forward rather than moving backward.

Thanks for reading. 

Day 9.5 and the Truth Comes Out

Well, my friends. The cat is out of the bag. I opened  h2's phone bill and saw that during the month of December he texted 949 times. I mentioned in earlier posts that he was doing a lot of texting. Often times right while I was next to him in bed. and then hiding his phone. Only 34 of those text messages went to me.

I called him this evening, confronted this, and it turns out for several months now he has been texting, emailing and calling his former girlfriend from many years ago. I don't know the extent of the relationship, but what I know is enough to know that he has been lying to me and treating me like a fool and then, worst of all, blaming me for things.  900 texts to one woman in a month is a bit excessive. I don't need more details I have enough clarity now to know that I must really move forward.

I'm saddened because the person with whom I fell in love  does not exist. Will this make me crumble? Will this make me do irrational things? No. I am going to take care of myself, I'm going to take care of my two lovely boys, I'm going to cherish my friends and family and I am going to put this behind me. Hopefully I will never have to be near or impacted by someone who is so dishonest and weak. He behaved like a coward. It is a good example for us all. We can learn not to be this way.

A few people had suggested it must be someone else and I didn't believe it because I said he was a good person and I believed him when he said he was struggling with issues. I've been defending him to my friends who were certain it must be someone else. I couldn't imagine that. Okay, so I believed in the wrong person. That's pretty sad, but I believed. That means I have a heart and I would rather believe in people than doubt them. So here you have it. Apparently I have been the fool for the past few months and I was even thinking that much of the troubles that led H2 to leave me were things I caused.

I will not walk this earth with malice toward him, I will not hate him, I will not do anything to cause more harm. This is one of those very difficult situations we can learn from. Despite this black spot, the world is full of wonderful people. In this hardship, I am so grateful for all the wonderful friends and family. I am not alone. This is going to make me a stronger person in the long run. I will need as much help as I can get too. Please send your comments if you wish. I will not allow really harsh hateful comments about H2 though, my goal here is to discuss the process. He has to live with this, he's already in a great deal of discomfort because of what he has done.

On the bright spot, I did have a fabulous workout today and I feel like things will be ok. I will be ok.

Five Favorite Things
1. clarity
2. knowing for sure it's time to say goodbye
3. being able to write here in this blog
4. my wonderful family and friends
5. that tomorrow will be another day.

Day 9- A Change of Plans

I realized a couple of hours ago that today was the day I was supposed to be traveling with H2 to Arizona to this lovely resort we've enjoyed together for the past few years. Well, as some may know, that was cancelled on Jan. 14. I received a call at work from H2 asking me to cancel the trip, he didn't want to go with me and then later in the evening- as he packed his bags, it was made very clear to me that he did not want to be married, that he did not love me and that he did not want to work things out. Pretty clear. No questions there.

Now I can say it and not get this weird dagger thing in my chest or stomach. It is very sad, and to many it is so shocking. I've lived with it now for nine days, so it becomes less shocking as time passes, although I've gone through various stages-- shock, trauma, denial, anger, ...... repeated, etc.

I feel like that tube of toothpaste is all squeezed out now. I don't have control over what H2 wants to do, I only have control over what I do. He's gone and he doesn't want to come back. So I'm trying to do a few things better than I have been. I am definitely a work in progress, but I'm lucky to have a strong network of friends. I'm not going to bore you with the counting my blessings stuff.

I got in a 45 minute workout today at work- in the dingy basement gym at my office (hey, free is free). I'm noticing already that my clothes are fitting a bit differently (in a good way) so that's a plus (or a move away from plus).

I've been sleeping. Boy, I am so grateful for sleep. Over the past four months I've been suffering from insomnia and that isn't happening as of late.

Five Favorite Things:
1. the salad I had made to order at Au Bon Pain (but not the price)
2. abandoned gift cards that are coming in handy to buy pricey lunches at Au Bon Pain
3. my cozy little office here
4. wearing my kick-ass cowboy boots (totally kick-ass)
5. getting a lot of work done at work

Day 9- The Routine Sets In

Today is day nine since H2 left us. I slept a good night, woke up in a fairly timely fashion, emptied the dishwasher, put my folded clean clothes away, answered a couple of work-related emails and now I'll jump in the bath and get ready for work.

The house is empty except for Sherman, Butters and Silky.

I have a picture of Butters somewhere but I can't find it. Silky does not like to have his picture taken.

Anyway, It's just us this week. I like the quiet. I'll be happy when the boys are back with me too. It will be a good routine. This weekend I'm going to finish up getting the house all organized and sorted so it feels cozy. I suppose all of this is some sort of nesting thing on my part, but it feels good.

This coffee I just made is good. And I am drinking it in my favorite mug. These are all great things.
Small, but great too.

I had a discussion with my mother, she is in her 80s and she's lived a pretty normal life, so things like what happened to me are just hard to understand. I think a lot of people are trying to understand it. I had a good discussion with someone who explained the situation well, but I can't remember what she said. I will ask her to explain that again when I talk to her next week. Like it or not, I'm going to have to come to grips with the reality. And I'm going to have to do so with dignity. It is hard to remind myself of these things because it sure is hard to have your life, which you thought was wonderful, just pulled out from under you, but this happens to people all the time and in worse ways. They survive, they do more than survive, they flourish.

Jilted Wife Recipe #1
Quick Sauteed Kale

6 to 8 cups of cleaned, cut and somewhat stemmed kale
(i bought it in a back like that because i am lazy)
4 garlic cloves
1 tablespoon of olive oil
salt and fresh cracked pepper to taste
1 (ish) or maybe less tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
1 teaspoon (or more if you want) grated parmesan cheese

In a medium high skillet, heat up olive oil, then add minced garlic and stir so it doesn't burn.
Once garlic looks a little toasty (takes about 30 seconds) add the kale.
with tongs, keep turning the Kale with the garlic (takes about two minutes)
turn off heat, finish with the balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper
serve on plate, dust with parmesan

It's good. I promise.

Five Favorite Things:
1. having all of my clothes clean and put away
2. waking up sad, but not overwhelmed with sadness
3. this cup of joe I'm enjoying
4. snow going away
5. my faithful bulldog here right near me.

Still Day 8, but a Cozy Evening

Today was a good day. I accomplished quite a bit at work, I managed to get in a little workout during the day and listened to some great tunes in the process and I'm home and cozy with the bulldog here at my feet.

Tonight I made kale for dinner. It was delicious. I'm glad I bought a huge bag of it pre-washed and cut because I might just have to eat that tomorrow night for dinner as well.

I had a good talk today with someone. It's a new experience for me but I think it will be a good one. Hey, it's day 8 and I'm standing up. I only teared up once today because I was in a doctor's office filling out forms and I didn't know who to put for an emergency contact. Just for a second though.

All of this struggle is going to mean something. Not just for me, but for other people as well. I want to take a difficult thing and make it into something powerful and then pay it forward. I just don't know how quite yet but this will come to me. It's only day 8. I'm setting my alarm early, so I can go swim tomorrow morning.

Five Favorite Things:
1. a brisk walk across town
2. a short, but beneficial workout
3. most of the music on my iphone
4. Kale (maybe)
5. Making progress

Today is Day 8

It has been eight days since I received that call at work from H2 telling me to cancel our trip to Arizona and that he didn't want to be with me.

It stings, but I keep reminding myself of his words: He doesn't want to be married, he doesn't love me and he doesn't want to work it out. It is good to remind myself of this because he's done a lot of things to enlist my sympathy after that evening, after leaving us. And I am not proud to say that I have taken the bait at times. I don't want to be weak or desperate, but I also want to be balanced and fair. It's pretty hard.

It's below zero outside. I had to shovel the driveway and walk twice yesterday. It was me out there and a bunch of husbands who didn't leave their wives out there shoveling.


I had a good night of sleep after a day with a few normal meals. Breakfast- swiss chard (went right through me), Lunch- bell peppers, mushrooms and asparagus (eh), Dinner- roasted butternut squash and roasted mushrooms (yum).

I'm going to work out at work in the depressing little gym in the basement. (With my new headphones) (ha). Now,  it is time to suit up and go out in the below zero weather and clean off the car, put some ice melt down etc.

Five Favorite Things:
1. having a good night of sleep
2. not being as mad right now as I was last night at H2
3. knowing that I can get through all of this
4. this bulldog sleeping on my feet
5. not having that pang in my chest anymore.

"Being a Dick"

This one made it onto the list of fears H2 has-- the others 1. hurting others, money, alone forever,  loser, giving up a real life.

Well, my advice is if you are AFRAID of being a dick,  don't BE a dick. 

Sorry, this blog is not always going to be uplifting stuff. I'm writing about this event as I process it. A few hours ago I was feeling like I would be ok. and now I'm just thinking about all this -- and the things on his list and it's making me really mad. I worked really hard for us to have a happy life and he has discarded that and doesn't have the decency to tell me why and in the process has blamed me for his own doing.

fuck him.

Five Favorite Things:
1. that I am not a dick
2. that I have been honest
3. that one day I will be stronger from all of this
4. that I have not texted him this evening
5. even though I am dying to.

Where is the Angst? - Day 7

I was getting used to that pang and the feeling that I'd burst into tears at any moment. Strangely today on Day Seven I don't feel angst. I have a lot of uncertainties circling around like A: am I going to be okay after this sorts out? B: are the boys going to be okay? C: do I look different?

But what I'm not circling in my brain is all the thoughts that have been haunting me over and over. Questioning what it was I have done? Questioning if I had done something different would H2 still be there. Today, I don't give a shit - I'm more focused on what lies ahead?

What does lie ahead? Hmm. Well, I have a couple of great bikes that have been neglected over the past few years. So once this winter wonderland goes away, this girl's got bike. I've got so many fun adventures in store with my two great sons. We are talking about doing a little backpacking trip. I'm making progress on big projects at work. - things are indeed going Okay today. I know that progress does not move forward. I may have a weak or sad moment, that is to be expected. I can say right at this point, there are things I'm always going to miss terribly. But I don't have to think about whether or not the times that made me happy were real or just a bunch of smoke and mirrors. They were real to me. I was able to love, I was able to see the rest of my life with H2, and I was so so happy. Now, things have changed and I've got to focus on what's next in store for me.

I have really missed bike riding and having a more healthy and active lifestyle. I'm going to really enjoy getting back into that. Now that my boys are older, we can do a lot of this together.

Well, not much more to say here from me. I'm in a snow storm right now. I shoveled the walk and the driveway and the back porch and it's all covered again in snow. It's a light powdery snow though, so it's quite easy to move it around.

Five Favorite Things:
1. a chubby bulldog who like to keep my feet warm
2. less desire to waste my time watching TV
3. this hot cup of tea appropriately served in a turquoise fiesta mug
4. putting on the old boots that hiked up Pike's Peak a few years ago.
5. Roasted butternut squash and mushrooms in the oven as I write this.

Seeking Out Your Old Friends

Today is Day 7. It's a snow day and the federal government is closed and therefore my office is closed. I set my alarm for 5:30 with intentions of getting up and going to the YMCA, but I was too tired and decided against it. It's a challenge to get that going, but I will. Later today I will get on my spin bike and do a spinervals thing, which is way more intense than going to the YMCA anyway.

So, the title. Well. I guess what I am saying is, hello old friend. This blog is a friend to me. I'm running out of willing ears to hear how sad I am. People are great, but that whole helping thing only lasts a while, understandably, and then you gotta just figure it out and not be the drippy sad person at events and in life generally. It may seem like seven days is not that long, but will I benefit from putting off the recovery?

Yesterday's discussion with H2 offered some glimmers of hope, but mostly uncertainty. I can't take too much stock in it. I just have to focus on rebuilding and moving forward. It is still to be determined how that will happen, but I've done all the laundry and folded it. I may actually clean my kids' rooms today. I will slowly work on making my house look tidy and cute.

I have a giant canvas waiting for me to start a big project, but I feel like waiting a few days. I will paint again though. It will happen. Painting and writing are my friends. I started back at painting in 2007 when I needed something beautiful to say or express and art has been so kind to me. I remember standing in the Monet room at the Museum of Modern Art in New York and just being tear-struck at how beautiful. I wonder if he painted those water lillies-- those giant paintings-- because he was working through something. Doing it as a business project would not have been as inspiring. I know. I see the world and it's so lovely and I guess I just want to save it. Maybe that is how he thought. I should pull out my art history books and see I suppose, but I'm not feeling that industrious right now and learning about Claude Monet should be done through art history books, not just "the google."

I went to the market and bought some food this morning. Not because of the snow storm but because I just did. I'm alone this week. The kiddos are with their dad. I bought the kindof stuff that probably drove the person behind me with Coke, potato chips and hotdogs to view me as an asshole. -- Kale, Spinach, Butternut Squash, Brussels Sprouts, Lemons, 2 oranges, bananas, one onion, a water filter, two duraflame-type logs. (but the environmentally clean ones) - yeah- I'm an asshole.

Well, empty house. lots of projects to do. Cold snow day and here I am.

Five Favorite Things:
1. a good stereo
2. planning on getting the Xmas tree down today (i shoved the dumb fireman nutcracker in one of the Chrismas decoration boxes b/c it was staring at me with a very judgmental look)
3. the cup of coffee I'm about to make and enjoy
4. buying a bunch of healthy shit and figuring out how to prepare it in a way that is palatable
5. Getting to stay home and not be at an all-day meeting at a federal agency.

My Thoughts After the First Talk- Still Day 6

Well, I just wanted to jot this down while things are fresh in my mind. I just had a sit down with H2 and slowly things are coming out. Not everything but some things. It seems that he and I process things very differently. I'm very direct, sometimes too direct and he is very indirect. I agreed not to use the term passive aggressive anymore because in a very upset and direct voice he asked me to. So "indirect" is the new term to describe when H2 did not directly express his true feelings or speak up about things and responded in a way that was opposite of his words.

I'm not shifting blame all to myself- I am now learning that I did some things that did not sit well with him, and I didn't even realize it. That's probably pretty hard from his vantage point, but still, it was his job to tell me. I sure hope I would have responded toward it well if he had told me. I don't know. Looking back I wish I had the chance.

So I agreed today that nothing is set in stone although I am not hopeful or expectant that H2 and I will be together again and if that were to happen, there is a lot of recovery and work that must be done. I did say that if we arrived at that, I would be willing to work as hard as I could. We have not arrived at that and I don't know that we will. If I were to make a bet today on that, the answer would be no.

Tomorrow I go back to work and it's going to be an insane crazy day. I need to get a lot of stuff done today in preparation for that. I want to clean all of the clothes, the kids need to clean their rooms top to bottom. And we need to get this house back in the kind of shape it needs to be for normal operation. I do feel a bit resentful because the boys are just making messes everywhere. Even though I pleaded with them to be more considerate. I guess I need not take it personally, they are little boys.

I can't say there has been any progress today. Nor has there been any change. There's just been this day. But all of his stuff that was in my room is gone now and I will move forward from here. It might be very very very microscopic steps today coupled with a lot of stopping points. It's just how it will have to be for a while and perhaps a very long time.

Five Favorite Things:
1. having dark sunglasses when you need them
2. eventually having all clean clothes today
3. having the willingness to be strong
4. recognizing that I can't always be strong
5. forgiving myself when I need to

Day 6

Today is Day six since H2 told me he did not want to be married and did not want to work it out and did not love me. and left.  I wish I could say over the past few days I've been noble in this difficulty, but that would certainly not be true.

There have been repeated text messages and phone calls (most of which I initiated) and my head is swirling because I can't tell if I'm weak or sad, or confused or mad. At some points I feel like, Okay, I can get through this, I have closure. For example, packing up his belongs was a good process for me. My room looks much less cluttered now too. so I can make it more a nice girly room that is neater. But then this desire to fix him, (not necessarily to come back to me) but just so he would be well came over me and I wrote a raft of emails discussing life, and that happiness and joy must be sought they do not come by chance etc. Like I was his cheerleader to feel okay about all this. Why would any one in her right mind do that? Then I thought maybe I'l just do what I can to feel beautiful and he will want me and then that fire will kick in and this whole nightmare will be over. (Let the record be straight, I know I could force or lure him back, I could have begged him to stay that night and he would have, I could have allowed a temporary break for him, keeping everything warm until he comes back, but what future is that? and in the end how ultimately would I feel? I'm trying to be true to myself here and not weak.-- )

Reality check: No

Last summer we rented this amazing beach house, a big one, right on the beach in the Outer Banks of NC- it was lovely. There was stress getting there and I took that out on him. We left at 4 in the morning and arrived around 9:30 am, but our house was not available till 3:00 so we were wandering around without sleep and trying to figure out what to do and I was responding and reacting without any slack left in my rope. I'll just leave it at that. However,  once we got there it was perfect. He kept calling it "the summer of H2."  I suppose it was the "last summer of H2" that would be  shared with me. It's certainly not my last "summer of Joanne."  I've got a lot of those in store. and my boys, I hope will remember all of those with fond memories.

This was the view from our deck. Those were great clouds, don't you think? I love it when the sky and the horizon meet like this. It prompted me to paint this.

My skies are happier I know. But I just wanted to provide the two pictures. So you could see how great it was.

At any rate, in one of the weakness phone calls i made over the past six days, I mentioned to H2 that my best friend Kathy would be going to the beach with me this summer. My thought process was more like "hey I worked it out, it's not going to be a sad summer for me and the boys, we're going to move on and make it a great time." Like an FYI, not an in-your-face sort of thing. I'm sure he took it the latter way.

I don't know what went through his head, but probably a: wow, she really moves fast, (because you see, he's now informing me that all he wanted was some time to get away to think and decide if he wanted to be married. You may think to yourself I should allow that. And at times I do too. But what would the end result be? Uncertainty for sure. I won't know which way he will decide and if by chance, he decides that he does want to be with me, that may take some undetermined amount of time to arrive at that- and I live in that uncertainty waiting to know if someone loves me or not. That uncertainty always lives there and would hinder my ability to really fully be safe to give him my heart. I would be at such unrest and I would never feel safe. Ok, so then he does decide he wants to be married, he comes back, and then I'm living the rest of my life fearing that this may happen again, or that I may make some mistake and cause it to happen. Final and most important point on this----- I lose my dignity in the process.  I don't know at times if I'm doing the right thing. I love him. but I have to for once love myself. I feel this has been a big problem for me throughout my life. and I just have to learn to love myself at some point-- I'm 50- I'll be in my final years in the next three decades.--

I'm trying as hard as I can to not lose my dignity. Then I'll be a sad, pathetic person and I don't want to be that. I also want to minimize how much stuff I need to regret. As I explained, I've already made some mistakes this week. So, if anyone out there is reading this. And I don't know if that's the case, please wish for me that I will be able to preserve my dignity. I've already dipped his toothbrush in the toilet, and that is not very dignified - although it did make me laugh and it did make me feel good for a second.

Telling the World

It is strange but now when I tell the story to people outside of the first ring of my tribe, It feels like I'm telling someone else's story. I'm not sobbing or sad, It's a story. Is this grief? Is this part of the processing?

It's the story that keeps processing in my heart that is the hard part. I'm past the sobbing stuff and that horrible dagger in my heart seems to have gone if not permanently at least for now. I got sick of looking at an old, tired, puffy-eyed woman. No one likes a sad person. especially the sad person.

That whole thing where you count your blessings, I've been doing that over and over. Unlike others, I am not blind to my blessings. But I'm sick of it. It's like an LP with the arm up on the turntable playing over and over and over. sounds good the first couple of times, becomes annoying after that. And turns into this album you never want to hear again. On that note (ha ha), i've also become this person over the past six days who speaks in analogies and I hate that. It's a bad habit to over-use analogies. Is that grief? Is this what I've become now this feeble 50 year old who can only speak in analogies?

The dog slept on top of my feet last night. that was kindof cozy. I love him, but I also worry that I cannot manage a dog, two boys, too much house payment for an abandoned woman etc. It's Jan. 21 and I am the only one on my street with Christmas tree lights up for example. There are also all these things I didn't know how to do that H2 did- like replacing headlamps in the car and windshield wipers, and keeping all of our electronics- the wifi etc in order. I'm going to have to learn how to do all that stuff. Luckily, there are a lot of things I do know how to do in terms of keeping a house, so I'm okay in the long-run. I have a 14 (almost 15) year old son, who is good with electronics. so maybe he can fill that role. I'm also just going to have to start reading user manuals for a change.

Tomorrow when I go to work, it's going to be a crazy busy day. I'm very thankful I've had sleep. sleep makes such a big difference. I'm also re-introducing food into my life after 6 days. Last night I had a big plate of roasted brussels sprouts and roasted butternut squash. It never tasted better. I'm less interested and attentive to the television. I think ultimately, less tv is a great thing. So I am going to build on that. There are so many better ways to spend my time. Getting my house in order will feel very good. I can become one of those people who has a really organized house. Then I can start doing some things I've always wanted to do, like painting my bedroom and sprucing up other areas of the house. It won't happen all at once but these are all good projects and not too costly.


I know I will learn to live with this. And I know there are all these processes, and I know time is something that will be part of the equation. I hope I don't backslide, I hope I can make something better of myself and I hope this period will be brief so that critical years of my two sons' childhood are not clouded by my grief. They seem happy, but I am consumed with grief right now- i'm not sobbing all of over the place. I'm keeping it together but I have all this stuff running through my head and I'm not storing all these memories of my two sons.- that's the hard part. So I think that has to be my motivation.

Well. I feel like I'm rambling. So I will stop.


Five Favorite Things:
1. Two boys living a happy life
2. Another clear, crisp day outside (snow and sleet would be a bit hard right now)
3. This cup of coffee that I made for myself. (having to make it myself is a change, but I'm living with it and I do it well.)

4. Getting the Christmas decorations down and put away today
5. Being able to have another night of sleep under my belt.

Why the Name: Biking to Happiness

I suppose it isn't very clear why this blog has this name. Well, it was started many many years ago when I got heavily into cycling- I have 23 triathlons under my belt, a number of century rides to name a few. That was a very active time in my life and parts of it I don't miss and parts of it (being thinner) I do miss. But I will say, being out on the bike, does bring me peace. Especially when it's something I just want to do rather than an obligation.

This is Sligo Creek. I snapped this today on my ride. It is 30 degrees and pretty chilly, but the air is clean and the sky is bright and getting in 12 miles today was a good thing. A little hard on several days with no food but still a good thing.

As you may know by now, I'm struggling with a lot of things. It is day 5 after my husband left me without giving me a reason. I don't think there is someone else but everyone else now sortof does. So hopefully the truth will come out. In my heart, I don't think that is it. He is too much of a good person to do that, but I seem to be at an entire loss. I just want to be free of all this uncertainty so I can put my life back together. I'm really trying to be strong. It's hard to be left, it's hard to be unloved and its especially hard to be left in the dark.-that is the hardest.

I took a selfie today- day 5- this is right after my ride so I look pretty worn for the wear.

Five Favorite Things:
1. my lucky hat, even though it doesn't fit properly
2. being able to eat a peanut butter cracker
3. getting out on the bike
4. cold, clear air
5. still kicking

The Next Step

Looking In from the Outside

Today is day five since H2 left me. It was a sudden departure and he left with all of his things intact. all of his checks, his medicines, his eye glasses etc. very strange. That was hard for me to have his belongings here b/c his words were so permanent but yet his departure was so fleeting. Especially to have all that in my room. His favorite mug he drank tea from was on the nighstand half full and all of his clothes were in a pile on his desk. It was hard.

As I mentioned previously, I spent the bulk of day four packing up his belongings, carefully. It's really hard to figure out what to say here. I know he left me, he doesn't want to be married and he is doubting that he ever loved me. Which, in effect, negates our marriage and our entire relationship I suppose. I get that. But I love him and I'm worried about him. And I was happy so I wonder if I was the only one who was happy. I should be throwing things or being really mad, but I am not. Maybe i am still in shock, but I sure hope he is ok one day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not worried about him and ignoring my life and my kids. Quite the contrary. He is very weak, I could have begged him not to leave btw and i didn't. I could have left everything of his intact and he would have come back more easily. I could have compromised my dignity by leaving everything here- "Come home dear when you can" kindof stuff. I didn't do that. So I feel like I was a brave girl yesterday. It may seem like a small feat but i did it.

The world looks so different right now. People posting happy things about wedding anniversaries and other big events on FaceBook and I'm happy for them, but I feel like one of those people peering into to a really buzzing nice restaurant. It looks so warm and happy and I'm cold and alone on the street. But it is nice to see that happy scene. I used to be one the people in that scene.

I can tell that today is going to be hard. It's sunday. Every Sunday morning for the past six years I've spent lounging in bed with him watching CBS Sunday morning and drinking Coffee (me) , Tea (him). So today, I have to decide if I'm going to be brave and watch CBS Sunday Morning by myself or if 'm going to close that chapter for now and create a new tradition for sunday mornings. (yeah yeah yeah, you healthy ones - i know go to the gym etc. I could write your books for you).

Well, I guess I'm ready now to step into today. I havn't decided how I will step into today, but it will come to me.

Five favorite things:

1. sleeping a full night (second night in a row, thanks to Ativan)
2. hearing little Jack in his room next door fiddling with his legos
3. this dumb and annoying bulldog sleeping at my feet
4. having many of the important things in my life intact
5. a new day (new days are always a blessing)

Packing up your loved one's belongings

I've been spending several hours today packing up H2's belongings that he left in the bedroom. It's most of his things and they are all integrated  in with my things like you would see in a marriage. Lots of lists of things I asked him to pick up at the market, receipts etc.

To be honest I don't know how he has been functioning since Jan. 14 without some of the things. He left his eyeglasses, some medicines he needs, etc. So this will get to him safely.

Many of my friends and family members have suggested shoving everything in bags or something quick like that. That certainly would have been a lot easier, but I don't think it would have been the right thing. He was someone who made me really really happy for many years. I've spent a good many years of my life searching for happiness and I found it. But for things out of my control this is all coming to an end.

So all day, I've been carefully folding his shirts and putting little tools in plastic bags, and carefully collecting all his letters, bills etc. I thought this would be a hard day for me, but it's been pretty cathartic. I'm carefully packing this part of my life away. I'm really so very sad, I feel like an old widow putting her life-long love's things away, but it's a good process for me. I know the way this will all be fixed is when I forgive him and come to an understanding about what happened. I'm not there yet, but I will be. I want to be there. Having forgiveness for the really hard things is what brings peace and sets you free.

I get this clarity and peace in little nuggets and boy am I so grateful for that. It's only day 4. I am hopeful that it won't be just little nuggets but a lasting thing in my heart eventually but I know that will take time. Tomorrow may be more difficult for me. But today I am ok.

I came across a list he wrote that was in his nightstand. It's mostly just random thoughts and I was hoping it would shed some light on why he left me but one thing in particular struck me--
"last chance to Joy and Happiness?"-- No, even hurting me and my boys like this is not going to be his last chance to have joy and happiness.  Even after abandoning me and my two boys, this is not his last chance to find joy and happiness. We never lose those chances. But I'd like to say chance is the wrong word. Happiness doesn't come to you by chance- happiness is something you go and find and it comes from strength inside. It is sad to know that someone you can love so much and had intended to share the rest of your life with doesn't know this basic thing.

Well, I need to get back to my work here packing up his things. It's helping me.

Five favorite things:
1. FINALLY having several hours of sleep
2. A good talk over coffee with Kathy
3. Being brave at a really hard time
4. Really carefully packing away a loved one's things and knowing that this is the right way to start the process of saying goodbye
5. Knowing that one day I will be able to forgive him.

Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart,
until, in our own despair,
against our will,
comes wisdom
through the awful grace of God.

Progress is not a straight path

Yesterday was a really difficult day for me. I did not sleep at all (maybe 1 hour) and that lack of sleep is really wearing on me. I had not slept since the morning of Tuesday Jan. 14, so that's a long long time to go without sleep and food.

I keep trying to eat but there is this pit in my stomach and I can't do it.

I'm waking up now after a good night's sleep. I feel a lot better, but it's really hard to go to sleep sad and wake up sad. That first moment when I wake up, all that sadness goes away for a brief second and then all of a sudden I am reminded and then the lead suit of sadness is back again. I'm going to have to chip away at that. Today it feels impossible. This isn't going to get better over night, over the next week, over the next month and probably even over the next year. But it will get better. Lead keeps bad stuff from getting in- just an interesting perspective.

Right now the goal is get sleep, try to eat and be able to function well.No sense getting sick.

It is cold outside, I liked the feel of that cold clear air in my lungs. maybe I will take a walk today.

So later this morning my good friend Kathy is coming over to help me pack up H2's belongings that are in the bedroom. I have to go out and get boxes. I don't even know how many boxes to get but I'll figure it out. H2 is messier than I am, so it will be a much neater manageable bedroom afterward. I will have a desk for my art supplies now. minus the 1970s style chair that is his that he insisted on using with the mission style desk.that's going.

I'm keeping the stuff I want to keep. When you get married things start to belong to both people, so I have to make some decisions about which way that will go. Mine? His? Generally, I'm going to rule in my favor. Things I want I'm keeping, things I want out --his. It's interesting. The things that I really want out are smaller things- like his special mug he uses to drink tea every morning. - or the ugly sugar bowl he uses that I tried to convince him six years ago to throw out when he was packing up his things to move into my home.
So do I use past tense when writing about what he does/did? I'm going to have to sort that out I suppose. It is past tense. he doesn't USE the mug here anymore, he doesn't USE the sugar bowl here anymore- He USED the mug and he USED the sugar bowl. He is not here now doing these things so therefore it is past tense.

I'm not crying that much. I think my eyes are tired of that. People are being really nice to me and I'm grateful for that. At work I think people could tell that things were not right for me. I guess I will remind myself that there will be some days that are better than others and that it isn't a straight line forward.I keep putting makeup on for work to hide this grief. like a clown i suppose.

A male friend of mine who is much older explained that H2 left because he wants to pursue something better. I suppose that is true. It's pretty hard stuff to take in. I'm sure there are many many people out there that are "better" but I thought we were having a "better" life and I'm so so sad to know that H2 is too weak a person to hang on and try and fix things.

It's funny, as I write this all the commercials on tv are about weight loss, pills, juices etc.-- a good abandonment will do it much better.:+)

I think I'll keep today's message short. I've got some big plans ahead, I just don't know what yet but I do- So stay tuned.It's strange, after sleep I can think more. It makes me aware more of how difficult this is and I feel pretty sad and alone today.

Five favorite things:
1. my good friends
2. having some sleep after three days of no sleep
3. being hopeful that I will get through a hard day
4. knowing that I will get through a really hard day today
5. waking up tomorrow to a better day

A life Lesson

It's been five years since I've posted on this blog. I'd need a lot of space and some very patient readers to discuss all that has happened over the past five years. So I will try and sum up as much as is relevant. I tend to turn to this space when I want to build and be strong and I am grateful to have that. Over the past five years, I have loved, I have lived, I have climbed, I have done a few things that were a challenge and new excitement for me and I am content with the outcome- it was the doing that made those things important, like climbing Pike's Peak, or making a movie, or painting the world. (www.she-paints.blogspot.com) These are all things I have done over the past five years. It was this great second wind and I have been so fortunate. There had been some hard times and I was able to get stronger through those struggles.



Yay, life is great! I fell in love with a wonderful man. Kind, interesting, someone who really connected with me and was okay with my free spirit. I didn't have to edit myself, so I knew I could spend the rest of my life with him and we would be each other's family and we would grow old together. I stepped carefully and after several years of companionship we married in Aug. 2012. What a happy time, I was so wise about having fun and being happy. I didn't spend a year planning a wedding, we kept it simple and just enjoyed this happiness. Our life was wonderful, even amid the chaos of life. I have two wonderful boys from my first marriage and an amicable relationship with their father- that is such a plus and works well. We had this blended family, we had figured out the road to happiness and loving each other and up until recently, I would have to pinch myself every so often and ask "is this real? how can I be so happy."



Two Days ago the bottom fell out.



My husband called me at work to tell me to cancel the upcoming vacation we had planned to go to Arizona, he didn't want to go, in fact, he didn't want to be with me anymore. Looking back now, a few things made sense. A few months ago I noticed he was getting very very distant and somewhat indifferent about things, (including me) I thought he was in some sort of funk, so I asked and asked what's wrong? can i help? for weeks. and the response was always "nothing." then one day he finally admitted he was having doubts about his life, but that was all he would say. "what do you mean? doubts about you? your job? or is it about us?" and he just said "doubts about my life" and would not elaborate. It of course got me really concerned because up until that point I thought everything was fine, but I assumed it was some sort of depression and I knew we would get through it and I suggested he go to a therapist or talk to someone about it- a third party. He set up an appointment two days later and I was so relieved- I interpreted that as him being such a great man and wanting as much as possible to fix things. I was relieved. He kept going to the appointments and things did not seem to improve and the more time progressed, the more distant he became. I wanted to give him his privacy but then every once in a while I would ask "how's therapy? Are you feeling better? do you want me to go? I want to help, should I go?" and always the response was "things are fine, no we havn't gotten to that point yet." For a few weeks that seemed normal (I'm not a therapist specialist) It seemed reasonable that for a few sessions he'd be alone with his therapist, but after a couple of months and some very strange distant behavior it started feeling really strange. I also noticed he was going out quite a bit and being vague about it. I didn't think much, because we both did a lot of things separately. He was texting people all the time and spending a lot of time with emails, again I didn't think much of it at first. He has friends and I thought it was good for him to be reaching out to his friends. He was fine-ish over the Christmas holiday. A little distant but generally there and it didn't seem too awful, but I was growing increasingly concerned. I would ask every once in a while, "what's wrong? is it something I've done? can I help?" and the same non-answer- I'm fine, nothing is wrong etc.--


Two Days ago when I got "the call"-


After the call at work, i left for home. When i arrived at home, he admitted that he did not want to be married, that he did not want to be with me- I asked why? and he did not provide a reason and I told him I loved him and suggested I go to the counselor with him, but he didn't want to do that. I suggested we go to a different counselor and he said he didn't want to do that. I asserted, "Let's fight to fix this we can get through this, I love you," and he said "I don't really have it in me, I don't want to fix it. I don't want to be married."

He then explained that over the past six months or so he has been in constant and extensive discussion with his friends (would not say who) about "figuring this out" -- what he was figuring out was how to execute his Exit Strategy. So it then made sense that it was his intention to keep me out of it. I wasn't a part of it. It all became apparent to me that everything was a big lie. Every time I asked him if it was me and he said no- it was a lie. Just two evenings before the call- i asked if he wanted to stay with me and he said "Just relax hon, no one is going anywhere" in a tone like I was a crazy person over-thinking things.-- I wasn't though, I was being removed and he was lying to me.


Over these past months, he'd sorted things out, worked out with a therapist how he could get out of the marriage, consulted with his friends about it (and probably many personal things about me that I will never know but a group of strangers discussed for months) and here I am. My two sons are having a hard time with it, especially my youngest- he is only 10 and has had my husband in his life since he has been 4. He has been sobbing and asking questions I can't answer. My oldest son (14) is keeping everything inside he's trying to be brave and it breaks my heart because he is a boy and he shouldn't have to be brave, he should be happy and not worried about things. Ok, so there you have it. This is the background that brings me to the most important part of this story, which I hope to continue to record here.


It has been two days, and I feel like I've gone through those same reactions a person goes through when their house burns down or someone unexpectedly dies in the family. So here I am, I havn't slept much and I can't eat much but I'm breathing and I'm not falling apart. In fact, quite the opposite. I already am feeling empowered. The first thing I did after sitting with this shock was I reached out to my "tribe." For the past two days I have called every good friend, nearly every family member and everyone has been so kind and so understanding. I am so fortunate to have such loyal, wonderful people in my life and I'm fortunate that I called them rather than doing something self destructive or pathetic. It didn't even occur to me to be self-pitying or self- destructive- I am so grateful for that-- I am so so grateful. Someone is truly looking out for me.


Here is another great thing. I have clarity. I know I can't be with someone who is a coward and who is not honest. I am not hoping for some sort of reconciliation or that he will change his mind or that he will come to his senses. I, I do not want to be with someone who is deceitful and weak. I see the true picture and I don't want to be a part of it. Now, I don't want you to think I'm fine, all is well etc. etc. quite the contrary, I'm heart-broken and I'm even more heart-broken that my poor children were impacted. This is not something children should have to go through, but I'm here and I'm not going away and we are going to continue and have a happy, healthy and steady life. Already I can see some calming with them. I'm going to protect them and help them get through this. Another thing I am grateful about--- that I'm strong enough and mostly concerned with their well-being. What if I were so distraught that I couldn't help them? I'd be as weak and awful as H2 (that's his new name, now that I have two husbands under my belt)


I went into work the next day after the night of "the phone call" (yesterday) and completed some important things that needed to be done, then calmly, in a very professional way explained what had happened and that I would need to have some time to recover but that I would ultimately be fine and it would not impact anything at work. I left early and went home and got in bed. I was awakened by rustling next to the bed, only to see H2 going through his things and packing his bags up, only a couple of feet away from me as I slept.-- it felt like such a terrible terrible violation-- I didn't want him in my room, he left, he spent months planning how to exit, this isn't his home, this isn't his room and I didn't want him there.


So I am sitting here in this room, half of which is filled with his stuff. His can of Arizona tea on his nightstand, a pile of clothes, nightstand full of junk shoved in there over the years, a dresser full of clothes, typical stuff and a lot of it. Guess what, it does not belong. But he does not have the right to come in and rummage through things in my room and my house (BTW I am the actual owner of the house- SO ANOTHER thing to be grateful for- I don't have to untangle him from home ownership).


The next thing I am grateful about is the strength I have to stick to that and not let him come back here and get things as he wishes. He will get all of his belongings and they will be treated with care, but he does not live here and this is not his home anymore- so I will set the parameters. I will do my best to get him his things quickly, but he will not be coming in here, he will not be around my children who need time to heal, and that is that. Hey, I am strong enough to do this!!! In prior years, I might not have been as strong. That is certainly a thing to be grateful about. He has already requested if he could "swing by" and pick up some things and very politely I declined the request because I would be packing up his things and making them available to him on Tuesday (when the kids won't be around)


Here is another thing, I have no desire to be vengeful or mean, I don't even plan to walk through life being mad at him. I can't forgive him right now and it is likely I will never be able to forgive him for hurting my children (and in such a cowardly way) but I will be at peace. I've spoken to a lot of people who are extremely mad about what he's done and to each of them I've said, "No, I'm going to do this with dignity. He has to live with this, not us and we should treat this situation with care and not think about beating him up or telling him off or whatever. (Okay, confession, the first morning after the call as I was at the bathroom sink, i did quickly swish his toothbrush around in the toilet) But that is the only thing I am going to do. It is important to handle this with dignity. I am going to live the rest of my life with myself and I don't want to have regrets about how I handled this. So there you have it. This girl is strong, and she will be stronger after this. It is really true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So I am grateful for so many things. I will probably have some missteps along the way, because this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Hands down, no other challenge or adversity comes close. So I have decided-and it will take time- to make great things come out of this. Already I am seeing that. I am going to have a better relationship with my family, I am going to put my all into being a strong woman and hard-working mother for my kids and I am going to be fair and graceful as I sort out the end of my relationship with H2.


FIVE FAVORITE THINGS:
1. Having wonderful family and friends
2. Making the right choices under such hardship
3. Actually having a few laughs today with my cousin
4. having thrown out that can of Arizona tea on the nightstand
5. not having any regrets about what I've done so far.

stay tuned, more to come.