I've made a decision about something and I'm happy about it. It's the first time I've felt this good in a while. I guess I've sortof slipped from that role of being my own CEO and well, now I'm back in the saddle.
Five Favorite Things
1. feeling good about my decision
2. not having everything taste like perfume
3. a good hair day
4. that I will sleep a good long night tonight
5. that tomorrow will be the first good Friday in a long time
Thursday, March 06, 2014
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
A Jet, A Cessna, A Raft = Fun
So today I worked on some planning for my upcoming Idaho trip. There will be lots of hot springs and several different legs to this adventure. I've had to charter a flight in a little Cessna and it's going to be great fun. I'm looking forward to this trip and I'm happy I'm doing the things I've missed doing. I allowed myself over the past six years to become a bit sedated with some bad habits. It feels good to be moving away from them.
I'm excited because it will be fun to be spending a week with energized fun people. I feel like this little trip is pretty courageous for me. It will be an adventure. Just what was needed. It feels so much better to be moving forward rather than looking back. I'm not perfect at this moving forward stuff by any means but I'm getting better. I have some pretty good perspective. I've learned a lot about myself and I'm learning to be better to myself and not allow myself to be treated poorly or be lied to. I'm learning to walk away and not hold onto something that isn't good. That's just not cool.
Five Favorite Things
1. having a great life
2. laughing and spending time with people who are fun
3. not missing that which never existed anyway
4. getting thinner
5. looking forward
A Full Night's Sleep for a Week
It is amazing how different a person can feel with a full night's sleep. It's been a week now and I've slept all through the night. I feel like a different person. I also know this is progress. I have had some trouble moving foward at a decent pace and now I think I've got a good pace going, not too fast but definitely forward.
I will be in warm weather next week. I'm taking my bike with me and looking forward to getting away from this cold weather.
When I look back at what happened to me it seems really sad, but I'm lucky I found out all this stuff early on. It would have been harder several years down the road. It happened at a time when I can re-boot and move on. I'm fortunate under these circumstances. I'm lucky I can see this only a few months out too. The reality is the entire fall wore on me in a very difficult way and I'm glad to be past that. I'm glad to be getting fixed and I'm glad to be moving on and away. I do spend some time looking back and questioning myself-- I believe that is pretty apparent in some of my posts, but I am ready now to stop doing that. I have some great things planned, I've got two great little boys and an entire life ahead of me. It's going to be a happy one free of the bad stuff I had to deal with earlier this year and throughout last fall. I'm sure life will have more challenges, but I'm ready to move forward.
I was not planning to have my life change so much, but It's for the better. I'm still healing, but I feel like a lot of progress has been made. I could not have done this without my friends and family and without you my trusted readers.
My son Ben turns 15 today. I remember the moment he was born. He was so loud and mad. He's turned into a great young man. I'm so proud of him. These past few months have been hard on him and I hope he realizes that even when someone does something bad to his mom and the family, that we will all be ok-- yes, the world has bad eggs, but it also has good eggs too. My life has been changed for the better with this boy, watching him grow up and learn and grab the world. I could not ask for a better blessing.
You may have noticed that I have not posted the comments. I've decided I wanted to keep those conversations just between us- the reader/me. I thank you for all of your support. We had more than 1,000 hits last week. I'm only a couple of months into this, but it may become something bigger.
Five Favorite Things
1. sleep, first week of sleep since last fall
2. that I will be somewhere nice and warm soon
3. that it is all going to be ok
4. that I don't need to spend as much time looking back
5. a beautiful boy that came into my life 15 years ago
I will be in warm weather next week. I'm taking my bike with me and looking forward to getting away from this cold weather.
When I look back at what happened to me it seems really sad, but I'm lucky I found out all this stuff early on. It would have been harder several years down the road. It happened at a time when I can re-boot and move on. I'm fortunate under these circumstances. I'm lucky I can see this only a few months out too. The reality is the entire fall wore on me in a very difficult way and I'm glad to be past that. I'm glad to be getting fixed and I'm glad to be moving on and away. I do spend some time looking back and questioning myself-- I believe that is pretty apparent in some of my posts, but I am ready now to stop doing that. I have some great things planned, I've got two great little boys and an entire life ahead of me. It's going to be a happy one free of the bad stuff I had to deal with earlier this year and throughout last fall. I'm sure life will have more challenges, but I'm ready to move forward.
I was not planning to have my life change so much, but It's for the better. I'm still healing, but I feel like a lot of progress has been made. I could not have done this without my friends and family and without you my trusted readers.
My son Ben turns 15 today. I remember the moment he was born. He was so loud and mad. He's turned into a great young man. I'm so proud of him. These past few months have been hard on him and I hope he realizes that even when someone does something bad to his mom and the family, that we will all be ok-- yes, the world has bad eggs, but it also has good eggs too. My life has been changed for the better with this boy, watching him grow up and learn and grab the world. I could not ask for a better blessing.
You may have noticed that I have not posted the comments. I've decided I wanted to keep those conversations just between us- the reader/me. I thank you for all of your support. We had more than 1,000 hits last week. I'm only a couple of months into this, but it may become something bigger.
Five Favorite Things
1. sleep, first week of sleep since last fall
2. that I will be somewhere nice and warm soon
3. that it is all going to be ok
4. that I don't need to spend as much time looking back
5. a beautiful boy that came into my life 15 years ago
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
Enough Already, Just Get it Done
Oy, I'm so sick of dealing with a person who is either a: in a downward spiral or b: in a holding pattern or c: all of the above. None of those two characteristics are fitting to my life. Trying to get a settlement agreement signed and the soon-to-be-ex has been sitting on it for some unknown reason. I just want to move on and get this done. I'm sure you can sense the frustration-- that's only a small part of my day though. Everything else was great.
I started out with a brisk mile swim-- 33.25.04 fastest speed so far this year. Grueling session with my physical therapist, who informs me that skiing is still out for a while. However, running is in the picture soon-- (culpeper sprint tri a possibility). Tomorrow work on upper body and abs. Tonight, well, let's just say I have plans.
I can't wait to get to Florida. I am bringing my bike down and I will sneak in a ride or two while down there. It will be a good break with all the hard work that will be going on.
Five Favorite Things
1. that I am actually moving forward and getting stuff done
2. that I am not allowing myself to be exposed to anymore bad behavior
3. that there are really nice people out there
4. that I will be in warm weather soon
5. that I ordered some really cute cocktail dresses to wear down in fla.
I started out with a brisk mile swim-- 33.25.04 fastest speed so far this year. Grueling session with my physical therapist, who informs me that skiing is still out for a while. However, running is in the picture soon-- (culpeper sprint tri a possibility). Tomorrow work on upper body and abs. Tonight, well, let's just say I have plans.
I can't wait to get to Florida. I am bringing my bike down and I will sneak in a ride or two while down there. It will be a good break with all the hard work that will be going on.
Five Favorite Things
1. that I am actually moving forward and getting stuff done
2. that I am not allowing myself to be exposed to anymore bad behavior
3. that there are really nice people out there
4. that I will be in warm weather soon
5. that I ordered some really cute cocktail dresses to wear down in fla.
The Journey
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.
.......Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.
.......Mary Oliver
Looking Back
It is still such a shock to me that on Saturday I'm going to a funeral for the first boy I loved. I remember back then so vividly and it was a long time ago- decades ago. It seems like he had a really good and full life and I'm happy about that. He was a wonderful person. My heart goes out to his family and his loved ones for this huge loss and the years they all suffered with him. I feel like I lost a part of myself too. You always have a place in your heart for that first love. Saturday is going to be a hard day, but a good day to honor a lovely person.
It gives me good perspective about my own life. I've got to do better. I need to stick with my plan of moving forward. Let those who want to live a lesser life do so and move forward and away from it. There are so many things this world has to offer and love to be found. I can be loved by someone again and my love can be given to someone who will cherish it and not waste it.
Five Favorite Things:
1. perspective
2. having loved some great people
3. recognizing when your love is ill-placed
4. moving forward
5. dinner with a nice person
Sunday, March 02, 2014
Saying Goodbye
Today, I said goodbye to two people. My first boyfriend in high school who passed away a couple of days ago and to my husband.
I'm so heartbroken about the loss of Andy (high school boyfriend) That tall skinny boy had my heart for many years when I was a young girl. I remember going to prom with him, I remember driving around in his little red Triumph Spitfire convertible (which broke down all the time). I remember how hard it was to be away from him when I went away to boarding school. I remember how hard it was to bring our thing to an end, I didn't do that part so well. There was a whole life lived among the both of us. It was 30 years ago and we never really kept in touch, but he was always very special to me. I can hear in my head his voice and remember some of the silly times we had and some of the growing up stuff we did together.
His passing makes me realize how important it is to be kind and make sure the last words you have with someone or the last actions you have are ones you can live with.
Today I also said farewell to James in my way. The way I wanted to do it. He can remember the pretty girl who brought him his boots, his favorite cookies and cast him a big smile as she drove off. I'm ok. I've made peace with this. I've lived a long time with grief. Many many years and it makes you into a better person. Part of being with someone is also saying goodbye. That is the full cycle of a relationship. This comes in many shapes and forms. Sometimes you get an entire lifetime with someone before you part, sometimes a few months and in my case just a few years. There were really good times and I thought the rest of my life was mapped out. I remember being so happy that I had to pinch myself to make sure this was my life. So now that is done.
I'm going to think about that good stuff and about some of the happy things, but I'm saying goodbye. I have to. It's time.
Five Favorite Things
1. the first boy I ever loved as a young girl
2. that I can still remember really good things
3. that I'm okay with being left by loved ones. I still keep living
4. following recipes
5. being okay with goodbye.
Goodbye.
Slowly Climbing Up the Mountain
You may recall more than a month ago I mentioned that I was at the base of a big mountain rather than at the bottom of a well. I couldn't agree more. It has been a really hard, sad, and infuriating climb thus far and I''m up about two thousand feet on this 15,000 foot mountain. That's some progress. Today I woke up feeling like I had made progress. Nothing is perfect, but I realize that I can't fix the problems of others. When really flawed, bad behavior comes my way (from ex) it hurts like a dagger. It hurts like nothing you can imagine. But that's because I seem to always have the wrong expectations. He's in a different place altogether. I'm focusing on my journey.
Someone recently referred to this Dr. Seuss book and I think it's pretty useful. Today is his 100th birthday fyi so here's to Dr. Seuss.
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.
OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.
You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.
You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.
I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
Someone recently referred to this Dr. Seuss book and I think it's pretty useful. Today is his 100th birthday fyi so here's to Dr. Seuss.
Oh, the Places You'll Go!
by Dr. Seuss
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.
OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.
You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.
You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.
I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
Saturday, March 01, 2014
Success
To laugh often and much
to win the respect of intelligent people
and affection of children; to earn the
appreciation of honest critics and
endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty, to find the best
in others; to leave the world a bit
better, whether by a healthy child
a garden patch or redeemed
social condition; to know even
one life has breathed easier because
you have lived. This is to have
succeeded.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
to win the respect of intelligent people
and affection of children; to earn the
appreciation of honest critics and
endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty, to find the best
in others; to leave the world a bit
better, whether by a healthy child
a garden patch or redeemed
social condition; to know even
one life has breathed easier because
you have lived. This is to have
succeeded.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Friday, February 28, 2014
Looking Back
I look back at some of my posts over the past two months and I actually feel like some progress has been made. Things are certainly not perfect, but they are getting better.
Today I slept till 5:00 am-- this is the fourth night of sleep. It feels amazing and it's something I really need with everything going on.
I like not being totally immersed in the anger phase. Don't get me wrong. I am disturbed very much by what happened. But I can only control what I do. I've got a great group of friends who have all been so supportive and they worry. I wish I could reassure them about this. I look back on some things and I think to myself that it will be easy to let go. I have a whole life ahead of me and there will be mistakes, there will be uncertainties etc, but it will be a good life. There is no need to trouble or wrestle over someone who decided not to be honest and who still is not being honest. What kind of connection is that? I'll do my research and I'll do what I need to do to make sure I'm okay with saying goodbye and then I will say goodbye. (feels like those currents might calm down one day inside me)
Right now i am still "INNN the shit" I am getting out of it though. It feels like it is taking a long time some days, but this morning it doesn't feel that way. it's been a couple of months and already my life is so much more improved. I'm getting my bike legs back, I reconnected with some great people and made new connections with other great people, I've been swimming, I've been working on my health. I'll be fine. There's a life out there I'm living and It's a good one.
I'm pondering a high adventure trip this summer. (as I mentioned in earlier post). I feel good. I feel fearless again. I have not felt fearless in a long time and I like it.
Five Favorite Things
1. caring less about certain things
2. feeling pretty good this morning after a killer spin class last night
3. being hopeful
4. not missing coffee quite as much
5. being in sunny Florida in a few days
Today I slept till 5:00 am-- this is the fourth night of sleep. It feels amazing and it's something I really need with everything going on.
I like not being totally immersed in the anger phase. Don't get me wrong. I am disturbed very much by what happened. But I can only control what I do. I've got a great group of friends who have all been so supportive and they worry. I wish I could reassure them about this. I look back on some things and I think to myself that it will be easy to let go. I have a whole life ahead of me and there will be mistakes, there will be uncertainties etc, but it will be a good life. There is no need to trouble or wrestle over someone who decided not to be honest and who still is not being honest. What kind of connection is that? I'll do my research and I'll do what I need to do to make sure I'm okay with saying goodbye and then I will say goodbye. (feels like those currents might calm down one day inside me)
Right now i am still "INNN the shit" I am getting out of it though. It feels like it is taking a long time some days, but this morning it doesn't feel that way. it's been a couple of months and already my life is so much more improved. I'm getting my bike legs back, I reconnected with some great people and made new connections with other great people, I've been swimming, I've been working on my health. I'll be fine. There's a life out there I'm living and It's a good one.
I'm pondering a high adventure trip this summer. (as I mentioned in earlier post). I feel good. I feel fearless again. I have not felt fearless in a long time and I like it.
Five Favorite Things
1. caring less about certain things
2. feeling pretty good this morning after a killer spin class last night
3. being hopeful
4. not missing coffee quite as much
5. being in sunny Florida in a few days
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wrestling with Two Currents
What do you do? You've got two different currents going inside and there's not a whole lot of resolve from that. Well, you do nothing. You make no rash decisions, you take small steps and you take care of yourself. That's what you do. It's not a satisfying answer. Time and lots of it is not something an impatient results-driven woman wants to hear.-- but this is the reality. Time heals.
So here I am, two months out. I'm still very much in this mess, but I've dug out a bit and I have some perspective. Do I know all the answers? Do I know where I'll be or who I'll be with a year from now? Nope. Not a clue. Does that scare me? sometimes it does and sometimes it does not.
I'm contemplating doing a white water adventure trip out in Idaho for a week. It would be done by an outfitter. I think it might be kindof fun. I've never done whitewater rafting - category IV rapids- so not lightweight. Part of me thinks it would be a fun adventure and I'd meet some fun people in the process. Thoughts??
Five Favorite Things
1. a really good spin class
2. being inside away from this really cold weather
3. that tomorrow is Friday (kindof a good thing)
4. that I hope to bike this weekend-
5. that 1-4 came so easily
So here I am, two months out. I'm still very much in this mess, but I've dug out a bit and I have some perspective. Do I know all the answers? Do I know where I'll be or who I'll be with a year from now? Nope. Not a clue. Does that scare me? sometimes it does and sometimes it does not.
I'm contemplating doing a white water adventure trip out in Idaho for a week. It would be done by an outfitter. I think it might be kindof fun. I've never done whitewater rafting - category IV rapids- so not lightweight. Part of me thinks it would be a fun adventure and I'd meet some fun people in the process. Thoughts??
Five Favorite Things
1. a really good spin class
2. being inside away from this really cold weather
3. that tomorrow is Friday (kindof a good thing)
4. that I hope to bike this weekend-
5. that 1-4 came so easily
Dreaming-
I slept till 4:45 am today. Three good days of sleep. I feel like a new person and am hopeful this is a continuing trend. I had these amazing dreams last night. I was taking all these beautiful pictures of farmland and the sun was hitting the wheat and making it this lovely orange yellow. I woke up wanting to look at the pictures, but I shot them in my dream. (I was tempted to put an emoticon after that last sentence, this is what I've become)
I have NO IDEA what my future holds. None. There are some things I'd like and there are some things I don't want, but I have no idea what will happen in the future. I know about now though. I know that I want to work on some things about myself (in progress) and I am taking small steps. It's like walking on ice right now and the best thing to do is just keep your feet close to the ground and take very very small steps. no rush. Forgiving for the really hard stuff is a huge challenge. I'm trying.
Five Favorite Things
1. third night of decent sleep
2. being sad, but being okay with it today
3. this lazy bulldog sleeping next to me
4. making better choices
5. trying not to make any mistakes
I have NO IDEA what my future holds. None. There are some things I'd like and there are some things I don't want, but I have no idea what will happen in the future. I know about now though. I know that I want to work on some things about myself (in progress) and I am taking small steps. It's like walking on ice right now and the best thing to do is just keep your feet close to the ground and take very very small steps. no rush. Forgiving for the really hard stuff is a huge challenge. I'm trying.
Five Favorite Things
1. third night of decent sleep
2. being sad, but being okay with it today
3. this lazy bulldog sleeping next to me
4. making better choices
5. trying not to make any mistakes
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Wishing This
I love you without knowing how or when, or from where. I love you simply without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.... Pablo Neruda
How to be Happy
It is hard to be happy when you have two different currents running inside you. Both are very strong. One current tells me walk away, don't go this route you know it will never work, you are lucky to know this now (very logical and the view that many people have. The other current tells me love is true, follow your heart, forgive him, understand what is happening and don't give up. That's a lot of conflict going on inside me. Two very different views working against each other. It's a whirlpool I guess.
So how do I go from here? Sometimes I feel like I don't. Sometimes I pull out my nuclear weapons and send some punishment his way. Sometimes I try to physically move forward by seeking out other people (hasn't worked). I wish there were some thing or a button I could push so I could end this. I wish there were some thing I could do to not be so sad. I wish I did not miss him. I wish I knew how much time it will take to fix this heart. I wish I knew what the future held. I wish none of this happened. These are all things I need to stop wishing for.
It's 5 am-- I slept to 4:30 today. So that is a good thing. Usually I wake up at 2:30 or 3:00 am. I am taking an honest look at myself. I don't like everything I see, but I like a good deal of what I see. I'm trying to be nice to myself but I keep fighting this temptation to believe that I caused all of this. I want to not have these two currents I'm swimming against any more. I am so very tired of it. I am fortunate, however. I've got some really positive stuff going on too. This art show is a big deal. Things are changing and fun at my job. My boys are doing well.
Five Favorite Things
1. sleeping till 4:30
2. this quiet time to write, it helps
3. kale chips. (i made them for the first time last night)
4. trying to come up with #4
5. being able to have 1, 2 and 3
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
A Full Night's Sleep
Today is the first day in MONTHS that I slept through the night. I woke up at 5:00 am rather than 2:30 or 3:30 am. I feel like a different person. I was going to go swimming this morning, but it's so nice just having a little extra time in bed writing, so I'm going to go to my gym downtown sometime later today instead and lift weights and do a little cardio.
This whole broken heart thing is truly a healing process and I'm in it. I'm not healed. I go from being mad to distracted with other things to confused. This time of day I wake up and feel pretty sad. It's really hard to live with a broken heart. I wake up and that first 30 seconds feels fine, then the fog of sadness comes back. I keep making sure all the trains are running in my life. (and they are) and I watch people move along who are not sad and I wish I could be in their shoes just for a little while. Alas, I am not.
I have had some pretty good things happen to me too so I cannot complain, but I'm also up against a bunch of challenges. I'm trying to move forward and I am doing that, but it feels like quicksand most of the time. I guess that will make me stronger? (how strong do I have to become?) I have a new life now. I wasn't expecting it, but here it is. I know it will be a good life. I know that, but I'm building it right now and I'm still in this whole grief thing and that's hard. When I tell people about what happened, they always tell me I'm strong I'm a survivor and I'll be fine. I hope all of that is true.
Five Favorite Things
1. first full night's sleep in months (no pills to assist)
2. relaxing this morning rather than rushing to the gym
3. that other people have faith in me
4. that I have my home
5. that the most important part of my life is intact and they are sleeping peacefully in their rooms
This whole broken heart thing is truly a healing process and I'm in it. I'm not healed. I go from being mad to distracted with other things to confused. This time of day I wake up and feel pretty sad. It's really hard to live with a broken heart. I wake up and that first 30 seconds feels fine, then the fog of sadness comes back. I keep making sure all the trains are running in my life. (and they are) and I watch people move along who are not sad and I wish I could be in their shoes just for a little while. Alas, I am not.
I have had some pretty good things happen to me too so I cannot complain, but I'm also up against a bunch of challenges. I'm trying to move forward and I am doing that, but it feels like quicksand most of the time. I guess that will make me stronger? (how strong do I have to become?) I have a new life now. I wasn't expecting it, but here it is. I know it will be a good life. I know that, but I'm building it right now and I'm still in this whole grief thing and that's hard. When I tell people about what happened, they always tell me I'm strong I'm a survivor and I'll be fine. I hope all of that is true.
Five Favorite Things
1. first full night's sleep in months (no pills to assist)
2. relaxing this morning rather than rushing to the gym
3. that other people have faith in me
4. that I have my home
5. that the most important part of my life is intact and they are sleeping peacefully in their rooms
Friday, February 14, 2014
Some Twitching Muscles
Second day of weight lifting this week. My arms are twitching right now. It was a heavy workout. Abs tomorrow morning if I'm feeling up to it. Have an appointment this afternoon and then my hopes are to get in a swim if I'm feeling up to it tonight.
Five Favorite Things:
1. this big juicy orange I'm about to eat
2. scary personal trainers
3. liking the clarity
4. wearing the skinny jeans
5. progress
Five Favorite Things:
1. this big juicy orange I'm about to eat
2. scary personal trainers
3. liking the clarity
4. wearing the skinny jeans
5. progress
Something with More Juice
I had an interesting talk with a former boyfriend from many years ago yesterday afternoon. It was an interesting perspective. He's married now and quite happy. I'm kindof? married (not sure how to classify myself) anyway that prior relationship came to an abrupt end many years ago and there were things I always wondered about. I was really sad at the time. Irrationally sad, frankly, and now it seems all clear.
It was a pretty stormy relationship, but very intense. I was certain that I couldn't love anyone as much as I did then. But so many obstacles stood in the way at the time, ones I was willing to cross over but ones that I couldn't get past.
As it turns out, he was also deeply in love with me too. He discussed that yesterday and for some reason, it means a good deal to me to have heard that. The thing is back then we were like gladiators and it just didn't work. That and the long-distance issues involved. It's nice to know that I was just as special because I always wondered about that. It also gives me perspective on my current situation.
I have never had that strong intense love feeling. I love H2 (I think) but it's more of an attachment kind of thing and not an intense thing. There has never been that really strong connection thing or the passion that goes with it. It felt safe. (isn't now obviously). So maybe it wasn't meant to be for me. I'm an intense person and I need maybe a bit more juice in it? Over the past few years, I've let myself soften into a lifestyle that doesn't suit me and I became unhappy with myself in the process. I am fixing that now and I'm aware of this thing I do and I'm going to work on this.
I don't want to go back to making boring repeated dinners, watching hours of television and waiting for someone to wake up who won't have any ideas about how to spend the day anyway. (I'm going to read this sentence over and over and remind myself of this because it's important). That waiting around stuff was hard on me. I've always been with people who wake up early and tackle the day and that just isn't H2- he's muddling through and sleeping through a lot of it. We are so different in that respect.
So here I am. Only a few weeks into the new year and I got slapped with something pretty harsh some time ago. But it is a mountain I am climbing up, and my view becomes clearer and clearer and I'm getting more fit as I climb. I'm seeing more about myself now. I like the changes I've made in such a short time and there are so many that lie ahead.
Five Favorite Things
1. knowing that A was just as much in love with me as it felt at the time. (thanks for being straightforward about that)
2. flirty vegetable talk with someone else -- silly silly silly
3. The sun is out in full force.
4. down 31 lbs! (yay!)
5. that it's Valentine's day and I'm okay with not having a Valentine.
It was a pretty stormy relationship, but very intense. I was certain that I couldn't love anyone as much as I did then. But so many obstacles stood in the way at the time, ones I was willing to cross over but ones that I couldn't get past.
As it turns out, he was also deeply in love with me too. He discussed that yesterday and for some reason, it means a good deal to me to have heard that. The thing is back then we were like gladiators and it just didn't work. That and the long-distance issues involved. It's nice to know that I was just as special because I always wondered about that. It also gives me perspective on my current situation.
I have never had that strong intense love feeling. I love H2 (I think) but it's more of an attachment kind of thing and not an intense thing. There has never been that really strong connection thing or the passion that goes with it. It felt safe. (isn't now obviously). So maybe it wasn't meant to be for me. I'm an intense person and I need maybe a bit more juice in it? Over the past few years, I've let myself soften into a lifestyle that doesn't suit me and I became unhappy with myself in the process. I am fixing that now and I'm aware of this thing I do and I'm going to work on this.
I don't want to go back to making boring repeated dinners, watching hours of television and waiting for someone to wake up who won't have any ideas about how to spend the day anyway. (I'm going to read this sentence over and over and remind myself of this because it's important). That waiting around stuff was hard on me. I've always been with people who wake up early and tackle the day and that just isn't H2- he's muddling through and sleeping through a lot of it. We are so different in that respect.
So here I am. Only a few weeks into the new year and I got slapped with something pretty harsh some time ago. But it is a mountain I am climbing up, and my view becomes clearer and clearer and I'm getting more fit as I climb. I'm seeing more about myself now. I like the changes I've made in such a short time and there are so many that lie ahead.
Five Favorite Things
1. knowing that A was just as much in love with me as it felt at the time. (thanks for being straightforward about that)
2. flirty vegetable talk with someone else -- silly silly silly
3. The sun is out in full force.
4. down 31 lbs! (yay!)
5. that it's Valentine's day and I'm okay with not having a Valentine.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
That Which Doesn't Kill You
Over the past several weeks I've heard the saying "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I know this to be true, but I also am tired of the whole strength thing too. Sometimes a person just has to be a little weak, or sad or whatever. I don't feel so strong right now.
It's snowing like crazy outside. I'm going to go out at midnight or 1:00 am and do the first layer of shoveling. I don't feel so great, so I'm not looking forward to it. I'm really sick of snow. and this year has really been hard -- the winter of my discontent.
I had a stressful car breaking down thing last night. yes, tears and all on 16th street. My car blocked traffic in one of the major intersections in downtown DC- people were screaming at me, pounding on my windshield, you name it.-- like I chose to do it. It took Triple A more than 2 hours to show up. I was cold, the guy did not speak English very well and I was pretty frazzled by that point. I could reach no one to help me - it was all very stressful. I did get some help from an unexpected source however. It wasn't fun going to that source under the current circumstances, but I needed help. I keep avoiding help from this source out of principle or something and I need help sometimes. I will figure things out at some point.
Love is very very complicated. I guess that makes it so fascinating to us. It is why people paint paintings, why songs are written, how ships are named and what oftentimes keeps us going. I know all about love and its challenges, but I'm working on forgiveness right now and it's a hard one. How do you forgive when your trust was completely taken advantage of? How do you live with someone doing something completely out of character? How do you move from that? Do you forgive? Do you open up your heart? (not sure mine really has been closed) Do you live in fear? Are you able to go back to something you had? Will I find this person again? Or is he gone? Or did he never exist as I thought him to exist?
In a way, I'd say that there is no way to go back to how things were in life. And not everything was perfect by a long shot. I'm not going to re-write the past, not everything was perfect. That being said, you just can't go backwards, the world doesn't work that way. Going forward is the way to move. Will that be with him? Will it not? I don't know. I'm not making decisions right now. I'm getting through this time and trying to learn more about myself. This truly is the hardest and saddest thing that I've had to deal with in my life, but I know it's not the saddest thing in the world. Things are hard for people-- There is a lot more suffering out there than what I am going through. I know this, but I still feel pretty sad. I wish there were a switch I could flip, but there isn't. I have to get through this marathon of sadness and I'm not sure how many miles I've done.
So I guess that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I keep telling myself that. I don't feel strong at all right now but maybe there's some strength building. It's been a hard day today but there are many many great people out there. I hope I never overlook that. When you are sad and walking around in grief, the nice things that even strangers do can mean so much. I need to remember this, so I can help someone.
Five favorite things:
1. a fixed car safe in the driveway
2. finally found my down booties
3. snow, (okay it's kindof nice to have a big bunch of snow)
4. edamame (tj's lightly salted)
5.yoga pants, seagull century t-shirt and down booties- worn all together. I look like a bumble bee with blue feet.
It's snowing like crazy outside. I'm going to go out at midnight or 1:00 am and do the first layer of shoveling. I don't feel so great, so I'm not looking forward to it. I'm really sick of snow. and this year has really been hard -- the winter of my discontent.
I had a stressful car breaking down thing last night. yes, tears and all on 16th street. My car blocked traffic in one of the major intersections in downtown DC- people were screaming at me, pounding on my windshield, you name it.-- like I chose to do it. It took Triple A more than 2 hours to show up. I was cold, the guy did not speak English very well and I was pretty frazzled by that point. I could reach no one to help me - it was all very stressful. I did get some help from an unexpected source however. It wasn't fun going to that source under the current circumstances, but I needed help. I keep avoiding help from this source out of principle or something and I need help sometimes. I will figure things out at some point.
Love is very very complicated. I guess that makes it so fascinating to us. It is why people paint paintings, why songs are written, how ships are named and what oftentimes keeps us going. I know all about love and its challenges, but I'm working on forgiveness right now and it's a hard one. How do you forgive when your trust was completely taken advantage of? How do you live with someone doing something completely out of character? How do you move from that? Do you forgive? Do you open up your heart? (not sure mine really has been closed) Do you live in fear? Are you able to go back to something you had? Will I find this person again? Or is he gone? Or did he never exist as I thought him to exist?
In a way, I'd say that there is no way to go back to how things were in life. And not everything was perfect by a long shot. I'm not going to re-write the past, not everything was perfect. That being said, you just can't go backwards, the world doesn't work that way. Going forward is the way to move. Will that be with him? Will it not? I don't know. I'm not making decisions right now. I'm getting through this time and trying to learn more about myself. This truly is the hardest and saddest thing that I've had to deal with in my life, but I know it's not the saddest thing in the world. Things are hard for people-- There is a lot more suffering out there than what I am going through. I know this, but I still feel pretty sad. I wish there were a switch I could flip, but there isn't. I have to get through this marathon of sadness and I'm not sure how many miles I've done.
So I guess that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I keep telling myself that. I don't feel strong at all right now but maybe there's some strength building. It's been a hard day today but there are many many great people out there. I hope I never overlook that. When you are sad and walking around in grief, the nice things that even strangers do can mean so much. I need to remember this, so I can help someone.
Five favorite things:
1. a fixed car safe in the driveway
2. finally found my down booties
3. snow, (okay it's kindof nice to have a big bunch of snow)
4. edamame (tj's lightly salted)
5.yoga pants, seagull century t-shirt and down booties- worn all together. I look like a bumble bee with blue feet.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Up Before the Sun
I swam a mile this morning. Got up at 4:45 and headed to the YMCA. I was thinking about those other people there, dedicated, hard-working, full of integrity. I shared a lane with an incredibly handsome man who was really lean and fit and was swimming beautifully. I Cannot complain about that.
It made me wonder why I am sad about a person who has been cheating on me since October with a woman who was okay with that- okay with him sending her romantic messages and vice versa often times when I was sleeping right next to him in bed. That is not normal behavior. People are gross and there is no sense trying to figure things like this out.
I do wonder why he decided to downgrade to a woman who looks like she's been around the block MANY TIMES. Used up man-faced looking thing with fake wrinkly boobs that are down to her belly button. Gross. It certainly explains the need for the manufacture of antibiotics. I feel like I need some just writing this description. :+).
Anyway, their bad behavior is their bad behavior. It is not a reflection on me, I just happened to be the recipient. Bad Karma will get them. (by the looks of that woman, it seems it already has gotten to her.)
It has been a month since I found out about all this. I was the last person to find out. I think that is typical. Yes, I feel incredibly violated. While I was victimized, I am not a victim anymore and I will never allow this type of abuse to happen again. It is true, this behavior was happening in my home and even in my bed. I never suspected anything because I trusted my husband and thought he was a good person. I will trust people, but I will be more careful. When you love someone, you also have to take care of yourself and I didn't do that.
So here I am-- I've lost 3 clothing sizes. I swim a mile practically every day. I work hard at my job and I have a wonderful group of friends and family. Today I enjoyed my first juice from my new juicer.
Kale, Ginger, Pear and Carrots (a few blueberries too)
Five Favorite Things
1. being very different from those who deceived me
2. my first juice
3.grabbing the day
4. swimming in a lane with a really hot swimmer (very lean and fit he was and quite friendly)
5. being happy, even though I am moving through a pretty tough grieving process.
Oh, and a final note. You guys are excellent. I love the readership. Thanks. We are now over 1,000 hits. I'm glad I have your support and I appreciate all your kind words of encouragement. Sorry I have not posted your comments. I will.
It made me wonder why I am sad about a person who has been cheating on me since October with a woman who was okay with that- okay with him sending her romantic messages and vice versa often times when I was sleeping right next to him in bed. That is not normal behavior. People are gross and there is no sense trying to figure things like this out.
I do wonder why he decided to downgrade to a woman who looks like she's been around the block MANY TIMES. Used up man-faced looking thing with fake wrinkly boobs that are down to her belly button. Gross. It certainly explains the need for the manufacture of antibiotics. I feel like I need some just writing this description. :+).
Anyway, their bad behavior is their bad behavior. It is not a reflection on me, I just happened to be the recipient. Bad Karma will get them. (by the looks of that woman, it seems it already has gotten to her.)
It has been a month since I found out about all this. I was the last person to find out. I think that is typical. Yes, I feel incredibly violated. While I was victimized, I am not a victim anymore and I will never allow this type of abuse to happen again. It is true, this behavior was happening in my home and even in my bed. I never suspected anything because I trusted my husband and thought he was a good person. I will trust people, but I will be more careful. When you love someone, you also have to take care of yourself and I didn't do that.
So here I am-- I've lost 3 clothing sizes. I swim a mile practically every day. I work hard at my job and I have a wonderful group of friends and family. Today I enjoyed my first juice from my new juicer.
Kale, Ginger, Pear and Carrots (a few blueberries too)
1. being very different from those who deceived me
2. my first juice
3.grabbing the day
4. swimming in a lane with a really hot swimmer (very lean and fit he was and quite friendly)
5. being happy, even though I am moving through a pretty tough grieving process.
Oh, and a final note. You guys are excellent. I love the readership. Thanks. We are now over 1,000 hits. I'm glad I have your support and I appreciate all your kind words of encouragement. Sorry I have not posted your comments. I will.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Keepin it Moving
Alarm is set for my 5:00 am swim. This morning I swam in the Masters' lane, and it was scary hard to keep up. The bay swim is just around the corner. I like having something to prepare for. My energy is better spent focusing on goals rather than thinking about the unpleasant stuff I'm trying to recover from.
My big fat juicer arrived. I can't wait to use it tomorrow morning. It's going to make a world of difference. But what a scary looking contraption
Five favorite things:
1. speaking my mind
2. that the day-long CFTC meeting is over
3. watching two boys enjoy spaghetti
4. that I'm inside and not in the cold
5. that each day gets better
My big fat juicer arrived. I can't wait to use it tomorrow morning. It's going to make a world of difference. But what a scary looking contraption
Five favorite things:
1. speaking my mind
2. that the day-long CFTC meeting is over
3. watching two boys enjoy spaghetti
4. that I'm inside and not in the cold
5. that each day gets better
Speaking My Mind
Well,
I finally spoke my mind. It's all there. I don't regret what I've said because it all holds true. It was said in an email- not because I was too scared to say it in person, but because I want it there as a record to be read over and and over. My words have been mischaracterized over the past year and even several years to accommodate some pretty nasty stuff and that isn't going to happen anymore.
I don't expect to hear from him with any apologies or explanations. He doesn't have it in his character.
I have to live with being betrayed. I can do it and I will because I have to. One day I might even forgive him, but right now I'm going to take care of myself and my two little boys. We have a great life ahead of us. It is on a new and unexpected turn right now and I'm going to put my all into it.
Fear of being alone is not governing my thoughts. Quite the contrary. I was in a marriage with someone who did not regard my feelings, THAT was being alone.
I just got back from swimming this morning. So far this is a good day. Cold, but good.
Five Favorite Things:
1. my faithful bulldog keeping my feet warm
2. a good night's sleep
3. facing the reality that I have no more words to say or secret hopes that things will be repaired
4. feeling a little stronger today
5. that I have a job to go to.
I finally spoke my mind. It's all there. I don't regret what I've said because it all holds true. It was said in an email- not because I was too scared to say it in person, but because I want it there as a record to be read over and and over. My words have been mischaracterized over the past year and even several years to accommodate some pretty nasty stuff and that isn't going to happen anymore.
I don't expect to hear from him with any apologies or explanations. He doesn't have it in his character.
I have to live with being betrayed. I can do it and I will because I have to. One day I might even forgive him, but right now I'm going to take care of myself and my two little boys. We have a great life ahead of us. It is on a new and unexpected turn right now and I'm going to put my all into it.
Fear of being alone is not governing my thoughts. Quite the contrary. I was in a marriage with someone who did not regard my feelings, THAT was being alone.
I just got back from swimming this morning. So far this is a good day. Cold, but good.
Five Favorite Things:
1. my faithful bulldog keeping my feet warm
2. a good night's sleep
3. facing the reality that I have no more words to say or secret hopes that things will be repaired
4. feeling a little stronger today
5. that I have a job to go to.
Sunday, February 09, 2014
Coming Up for Air
I didn't realize how very cold it is outside. I've been hibernating a bit.
Okay, I just have to say it. I know we are early into it, but I am so ready for 2014 to be over with. This has been the worst year I've ever had and it's only five weeks into it. Yes, yes, yes, all the positive strength stuff is still there, I'm just tired and cold today. Hungry, but my stomach hurts. Tired, but wide awake. Bored, but very distracted. I could go on.
Today I ventured out to get pet stuff and groceries for the week. I wore this running jacket I bought about a year ago to run with my then husband. It now fits like a dress. The backpacking pants I ordered from eddie bauer arrived yesterday, too big. pain, bc I like them. I'm in between sizes right now, which is a total pain.
I'm trying to decide if I should swim today, but my back is burning a bit. Maybe I'll give it a rest today. Two days of hibernating then, I suppose.
Five favorite things:
1. sleeping in your clothes
2. not having to be at work today
3. long talks with old friends
4. being carb free, meat free, processed food free, caffeine free, and alcohol free for more than a month. (the alcohol thing is going to change soon probably)
5. having a good hair day? spend a couple of days hibernating and this happens?
Okay, I just have to say it. I know we are early into it, but I am so ready for 2014 to be over with. This has been the worst year I've ever had and it's only five weeks into it. Yes, yes, yes, all the positive strength stuff is still there, I'm just tired and cold today. Hungry, but my stomach hurts. Tired, but wide awake. Bored, but very distracted. I could go on.
Today I ventured out to get pet stuff and groceries for the week. I wore this running jacket I bought about a year ago to run with my then husband. It now fits like a dress. The backpacking pants I ordered from eddie bauer arrived yesterday, too big. pain, bc I like them. I'm in between sizes right now, which is a total pain.
I'm trying to decide if I should swim today, but my back is burning a bit. Maybe I'll give it a rest today. Two days of hibernating then, I suppose.
Five favorite things:
1. sleeping in your clothes
2. not having to be at work today
3. long talks with old friends
4. being carb free, meat free, processed food free, caffeine free, and alcohol free for more than a month. (the alcohol thing is going to change soon probably)
5. having a good hair day? spend a couple of days hibernating and this happens?
Friday, February 07, 2014
Holding Tight
Oy, so much waiting waiting waiting for appointments. Things went pretty quickly this morning, but now it's just a whole bunch of waiting, forms, etc.
Today has its challenges. I'm still in them, but the race gun has fired so It's all just moving forward I suppose.
I did stop for a minute in time today. Someone held me and it felt like he didn't want to let go.
Now I'm here. Still have not figured out how to get this iPod to work with the playlists I want. So here is the playlist I want.
1.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq9UbWrg6cA
2.www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XMZNI1qKh8&feature=kp
3.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EfHZtCKJGY&feature=kp
4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6duhLeR7LeY&feature=kp
5.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YTh1Wsqo2c&feature=kp
6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4-IZTZkTY8&feature=kp
7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfG47NsWVYA&feature=kp
8.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU615FaODCg&feature=kp
9. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGlR6oFjC3A&feature=kp
Five Favorite Things:
1. that tomorrow I can rest up
2. being kindof brave
3. not arguing
4. having a good hair day
5. having time to post this.
Today has its challenges. I'm still in them, but the race gun has fired so It's all just moving forward I suppose.
I did stop for a minute in time today. Someone held me and it felt like he didn't want to let go.
Now I'm here. Still have not figured out how to get this iPod to work with the playlists I want. So here is the playlist I want.
1.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq9UbWrg6cA
2.www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XMZNI1qKh8&feature=kp
3.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EfHZtCKJGY&feature=kp
4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6duhLeR7LeY&feature=kp
5.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YTh1Wsqo2c&feature=kp
6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4-IZTZkTY8&feature=kp
7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfG47NsWVYA&feature=kp
8.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU615FaODCg&feature=kp
9. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGlR6oFjC3A&feature=kp
Five Favorite Things:
1. that tomorrow I can rest up
2. being kindof brave
3. not arguing
4. having a good hair day
5. having time to post this.
No need for an Alarm Clock
Hello again, as usual I am awake at 4:15-4:30. It is a strange time of day-- is it morning? or is it still the middle of the night? Lately I've been waking up wondering if am I going to be sad today? Am I going to be mad today? Am I going to be scared today?
Yesterday, I felt pretty mad all day and resolved about what it is I need to do. This morning, I feel tired about it. I'm tired of explaining what happened to people, I'm tired of talking to people like I'm going to be strong about it. What's interesting is that the story I have to tell has been so upsetting to people, I've learned to tell it in a brave way so they feel okay. It's hard, because I'm just as horrified too. I've honed in on my brave face stuff. I even smile and laugh every once in a while. That's a good thing.
Today is going to be a hard day on many levels. My biggest goal is not to smash H2's phone to bits on his big fat ugly over-sized crappy face. There is a 95% chance that might happen, so I'm going to be sitting on my hands. My knee hurts a little this morning, so I'm going to do all of the exercises my PT assigned shortly.
I'm trying to decide if I should swim now or do it after H2 leaves? If I wait, the outdoor pool will be completely empty-- Okay, I'm going to wait. I've got some stuff going on in the afternoon, so I will have to be quick about it.
Gotta figure out how to set up this new iPod so I can have playlists. Apple is not easy about stuff- I really get frustrated with iTunes.
My dinner last night at Matchbox was nice. In the past when I have gone there, I would get their wood-fired pizza or their renowned mini burgers served on buttered brioche rolls. (both are amazing) But last night I had the chef make me broccoli rabe sauted with portobello mushrooms in garlic and olive oil with a white wine reduction. (in an earlier post I said Kale, it was broccoli rabe). My brother had fish. It looked good. He looked good. He's been really focusing on his health lately.
He gave me a pep talk. I can tell behind the scenes, friends and family are discussing how to help etc. They all seem like they are worried but are hiding it from me. I can always tell that stuff- that's what I do, read people. I can tell a lot about a person from a photo even. (I admit I wasn't so great at reading H2's character) So here I am, today is Friday, there will be a couple of hours with H2 getting the car situation sorted. He's getting as much stuff out of the house as possible today, then I have some things I need to deal with in the afternoon. I'm squeezing in a swim for sure. Part of me feels like I should swim now, but it will be crowded, so I will wait.
Five Favorite Things
1. That I can be honest about this situation
2. That I am feeling some bravery today
3. That being at the bottom of a mountain is better than being at the bottom of a well
4. That I will be enjoying blueberries and strawberries after I finish this post
5. That I have all of you. I need you.
Yesterday, I felt pretty mad all day and resolved about what it is I need to do. This morning, I feel tired about it. I'm tired of explaining what happened to people, I'm tired of talking to people like I'm going to be strong about it. What's interesting is that the story I have to tell has been so upsetting to people, I've learned to tell it in a brave way so they feel okay. It's hard, because I'm just as horrified too. I've honed in on my brave face stuff. I even smile and laugh every once in a while. That's a good thing.
Today is going to be a hard day on many levels. My biggest goal is not to smash H2's phone to bits on his big fat ugly over-sized crappy face. There is a 95% chance that might happen, so I'm going to be sitting on my hands. My knee hurts a little this morning, so I'm going to do all of the exercises my PT assigned shortly.
I'm trying to decide if I should swim now or do it after H2 leaves? If I wait, the outdoor pool will be completely empty-- Okay, I'm going to wait. I've got some stuff going on in the afternoon, so I will have to be quick about it.
Gotta figure out how to set up this new iPod so I can have playlists. Apple is not easy about stuff- I really get frustrated with iTunes.
My dinner last night at Matchbox was nice. In the past when I have gone there, I would get their wood-fired pizza or their renowned mini burgers served on buttered brioche rolls. (both are amazing) But last night I had the chef make me broccoli rabe sauted with portobello mushrooms in garlic and olive oil with a white wine reduction. (in an earlier post I said Kale, it was broccoli rabe). My brother had fish. It looked good. He looked good. He's been really focusing on his health lately.
He gave me a pep talk. I can tell behind the scenes, friends and family are discussing how to help etc. They all seem like they are worried but are hiding it from me. I can always tell that stuff- that's what I do, read people. I can tell a lot about a person from a photo even. (I admit I wasn't so great at reading H2's character) So here I am, today is Friday, there will be a couple of hours with H2 getting the car situation sorted. He's getting as much stuff out of the house as possible today, then I have some things I need to deal with in the afternoon. I'm squeezing in a swim for sure. Part of me feels like I should swim now, but it will be crowded, so I will wait.
Five Favorite Things
1. That I can be honest about this situation
2. That I am feeling some bravery today
3. That being at the bottom of a mountain is better than being at the bottom of a well
4. That I will be enjoying blueberries and strawberries after I finish this post
5. That I have all of you. I need you.
Thursday, February 06, 2014
Dinner with My Big Brother
I had dinner with my brother tonight. It was nice to talk and actually laugh about a few things. I'm grateful I have a good family. People have been really nice, even strangers have been nice. I had lunch today in the District Tea Lodge and the manager was so welcoming, they invited me to take Yoga there too. It was a great lunch too, kale with sundried tomato slices, mushrooms, a bunch of different types of seeds and a soy ginger dressing. I'm going to have it again next week.
I was able to tell the entire story to my brother about what has transpired over the past few weeks and the nasty stuff that had been going on behind my back since at least November. He was pretty sickened by it, as are many many other people. It's very ugly behavior. While it is heartbreaking to have something like this happen, it is far worse to have to be the person who has to live with this knowing he did this. That is definitely the consensus among a lot of people.
What was nice about the evening is that there really wasn't much focus on what happened, but more discussion about what next. It is all very positive stuff. I have a good story to tell about this journey, all that nasty stuff is behind. I'm lucky to have discovered this now versus several years from now. I can make a clean break and learn from all this and move on. It will be a closed chapter in my book.
I'm feeling a little sore today from my PT visit. I guess that's a good thing right?
anyway. All is well. I'm loved-- by the best people in the world. They accept me for being me and we are all certain that I am going to get up this mountain and see some really wonderful things at the top. I've got a lot of people helping me out, so I can do it.
Five Favorite Things:
1. big brother
2. not having that pain in my gut today
3. being bold enough to have the chef create exactly what I wanted for dinner (roasted kale and portobello mushrooms in a shallot, white wine reduction with browned garlic)
4. my knee feels a little better
5. being just fine with the gal I see in the mirror
I was able to tell the entire story to my brother about what has transpired over the past few weeks and the nasty stuff that had been going on behind my back since at least November. He was pretty sickened by it, as are many many other people. It's very ugly behavior. While it is heartbreaking to have something like this happen, it is far worse to have to be the person who has to live with this knowing he did this. That is definitely the consensus among a lot of people.
What was nice about the evening is that there really wasn't much focus on what happened, but more discussion about what next. It is all very positive stuff. I have a good story to tell about this journey, all that nasty stuff is behind. I'm lucky to have discovered this now versus several years from now. I can make a clean break and learn from all this and move on. It will be a closed chapter in my book.
I'm feeling a little sore today from my PT visit. I guess that's a good thing right?
anyway. All is well. I'm loved-- by the best people in the world. They accept me for being me and we are all certain that I am going to get up this mountain and see some really wonderful things at the top. I've got a lot of people helping me out, so I can do it.
Five Favorite Things:
1. big brother
2. not having that pain in my gut today
3. being bold enough to have the chef create exactly what I wanted for dinner (roasted kale and portobello mushrooms in a shallot, white wine reduction with browned garlic)
4. my knee feels a little better
5. being just fine with the gal I see in the mirror