That Which Doesn't Kill You

Over the past several weeks I've heard the saying "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I know this to be true, but I also am tired of the whole strength thing too. Sometimes a person just has to be a little weak, or sad or whatever. I don't feel so strong right now.

It's snowing like crazy outside. I'm going to go out at midnight or 1:00 am and do the first layer of shoveling. I don't feel so great, so I'm not looking forward to it. I'm really sick of snow. and this year has really been hard -- the winter of my discontent.

I had a stressful car breaking down thing last night. yes, tears and all on 16th street. My car blocked traffic in one of the major intersections in downtown DC- people were screaming at me, pounding on my windshield, you name it.-- like I chose to do it. It took Triple A more than 2 hours to show up. I was cold, the guy did not speak English very well and I was pretty frazzled by that point. I could reach no one to help me - it was all very stressful. I did get some help from an unexpected source however. It wasn't fun going to that source under the current circumstances, but I needed help. I keep avoiding help from this source out of principle or something and I need help sometimes. I will figure things out at some point.

Love is very very complicated. I guess that makes it so fascinating to us. It is why people paint paintings, why songs are written, how ships are named and what oftentimes keeps us going. I know all about love and its challenges, but I'm working on forgiveness right now and it's a hard one. How do you forgive when your trust was completely taken advantage of? How do you live with someone doing something completely out of character?  How do you move from that? Do you forgive? Do you open up your heart? (not sure mine really has been closed) Do you live in fear? Are you able to go back to something you had? Will I find this person again? Or is he gone?  Or did he never exist as I thought him to exist?

In a way, I'd say that there is no way to go back to how things were in life. And not everything was perfect by a long shot. I'm not going to re-write the past, not everything was perfect.  That being said, you  just can't go backwards, the world doesn't work that way. Going forward is the way to move. Will that be with him? Will it not? I don't know. I'm not making decisions right now. I'm getting through this time and trying to learn more about myself. This truly is the hardest and saddest thing that I've had to deal with in my life, but I know it's not the saddest thing in the world. Things are hard for people-- There is a lot more suffering out there than what I am going through. I know this, but I still feel pretty sad. I wish there were a switch I could flip, but there isn't. I have to get through this marathon of sadness and I'm not sure how many miles I've done.

So I guess that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I keep telling myself that. I don't feel strong at all right now but maybe there's some strength building. It's been a hard day today but there are many many great people out there. I hope I never overlook that. When you are sad and walking around in grief, the nice things that even strangers do can mean so much. I need to remember this, so I can help someone.

Five favorite things:
1. a fixed car safe in the driveway
2. finally found my down booties
3. snow, (okay it's kindof nice to have a big bunch of snow)
4. edamame (tj's lightly salted)
5.yoga pants, seagull century t-shirt and down booties- worn all together. I look like a bumble bee with blue feet.