Hello again, as usual I am awake at 4:15-4:30. It is a strange time of day-- is it morning? or is it still the middle of the night? Lately I've been waking up wondering if am I going to be sad today? Am I going to be mad today? Am I going to be scared today?
Yesterday, I felt pretty mad all day and resolved about what it is I need to do. This morning, I feel tired about it. I'm tired of explaining what happened to people, I'm tired of talking to people like I'm going to be strong about it. What's interesting is that the story I have to tell has been so upsetting to people, I've learned to tell it in a brave way so they feel okay. It's hard, because I'm just as horrified too. I've honed in on my brave face stuff. I even smile and laugh every once in a while. That's a good thing.
Today is going to be a hard day on many levels. My biggest goal is not to smash H2's phone to bits on his big fat ugly over-sized crappy face. There is a 95% chance that might happen, so I'm going to be sitting on my hands. My knee hurts a little this morning, so I'm going to do all of the exercises my PT assigned shortly.
I'm trying to decide if I should swim now or do it after H2 leaves? If I wait, the outdoor pool will be completely empty-- Okay, I'm going to wait. I've got some stuff going on in the afternoon, so I will have to be quick about it.
Gotta figure out how to set up this new iPod so I can have playlists. Apple is not easy about stuff- I really get frustrated with iTunes.
My dinner last night at Matchbox was nice. In the past when I have gone there, I would get their wood-fired pizza or their renowned mini burgers served on buttered brioche rolls. (both are amazing) But last night I had the chef make me broccoli rabe sauted with portobello mushrooms in garlic and olive oil with a white wine reduction. (in an earlier post I said Kale, it was broccoli rabe). My brother had fish. It looked good. He looked good. He's been really focusing on his health lately.
He gave me a pep talk. I can tell behind the scenes, friends and family are discussing how to help etc. They all seem like they are worried but are hiding it from me. I can always tell that stuff- that's what I do, read people. I can tell a lot about a person from a photo even. (I admit I wasn't so great at reading H2's character) So here I am, today is Friday, there will be a couple of hours with H2 getting the car situation sorted. He's getting as much stuff out of the house as possible today, then I have some things I need to deal with in the afternoon. I'm squeezing in a swim for sure. Part of me feels like I should swim now, but it will be crowded, so I will wait.
Five Favorite Things
1. That I can be honest about this situation
2. That I am feeling some bravery today
3. That being at the bottom of a mountain is better than being at the bottom of a well
4. That I will be enjoying blueberries and strawberries after I finish this post
5. That I have all of you. I need you.
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