It is hard to be happy when you have two different currents running inside you. Both are very strong. One current tells me walk away, don't go this route you know it will never work, you are lucky to know this now (very logical and the view that many people have. The other current tells me love is true, follow your heart, forgive him, understand what is happening and don't give up. That's a lot of conflict going on inside me. Two very different views working against each other. It's a whirlpool I guess.
So how do I go from here? Sometimes I feel like I don't. Sometimes I pull out my nuclear weapons and send some punishment his way. Sometimes I try to physically move forward by seeking out other people (hasn't worked). I wish there were some thing or a button I could push so I could end this. I wish there were some thing I could do to not be so sad. I wish I did not miss him. I wish I knew how much time it will take to fix this heart. I wish I knew what the future held. I wish none of this happened. These are all things I need to stop wishing for.
It's 5 am-- I slept to 4:30 today. So that is a good thing. Usually I wake up at 2:30 or 3:00 am. I am taking an honest look at myself. I don't like everything I see, but I like a good deal of what I see. I'm trying to be nice to myself but I keep fighting this temptation to believe that I caused all of this. I want to not have these two currents I'm swimming against any more. I am so very tired of it. I am fortunate, however. I've got some really positive stuff going on too. This art show is a big deal. Things are changing and fun at my job. My boys are doing well.
Five Favorite Things
1. sleeping till 4:30
2. this quiet time to write, it helps
3. kale chips. (i made them for the first time last night)
4. trying to come up with #4
5. being able to have 1, 2 and 3
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