Saying Goodbye

Today, I said goodbye to two people. My first boyfriend in high school who passed away a couple of days ago and to my husband.

I'm so heartbroken about the loss of Andy (high school boyfriend) That tall skinny boy had my heart for many years when I was a young girl. I remember going to prom with him, I remember driving around in his little red Triumph Spitfire convertible (which broke down all the time). I remember how hard it was to be away from him when I went away to boarding school. I remember how hard it was to bring our thing to an end, I didn't do that part so well. There was a whole life lived among the both of us. It was 30 years ago and we never really kept in touch, but he was always very special to me. I can hear in my head his voice and remember some of the silly times we had and some of the growing up stuff we did together.

His passing makes me realize how important it is to be kind and make sure the last words you have with someone or the last actions you have are ones you can live with.

Today I also said farewell to James in my way. The way I wanted to do it. He can remember the pretty girl who brought him his boots, his favorite cookies and cast him a big smile as she drove off. I'm ok. I've made peace with this. I've lived a long time with grief. Many many years and it makes you into a better person. Part of being with someone is also saying goodbye. That is the full cycle of a relationship. This comes in many shapes and forms. Sometimes you get an entire lifetime with someone before you part, sometimes a few months and in my case just a few years. There were really good times and I thought the rest of my life was mapped out. I remember being so happy that I had to pinch myself to make sure this was my life. So now that is done.

I'm going to think about that good stuff and about some of the happy things, but I'm saying goodbye. I have to. It's time.

Five Favorite Things
1. the first boy I ever loved as a young girl
2. that I can still remember really good things
3. that I'm okay with being left by loved ones. I still keep living
4. following recipes
5. being okay with goodbye.

Goodbye.