Something with More Juice

I had an interesting talk with a former boyfriend from many years ago yesterday afternoon. It was an interesting perspective. He's married now and quite happy. I'm kindof? married (not sure how to classify myself)  anyway that prior relationship came to an abrupt end many years ago and there were things I always wondered about. I was really sad at the time. Irrationally sad, frankly, and now it seems all clear.

It was a pretty stormy relationship, but very intense. I was certain that I couldn't love anyone as much as I did then. But so many obstacles stood in the way at the time, ones I was willing to cross over but ones that I couldn't get past.

As it turns out, he was also deeply in love with me too. He discussed that yesterday and for some reason, it means a good deal to me to have heard that.  The thing is back then we were like gladiators  and it just didn't work. That and the long-distance issues involved. It's nice to know that I was just as special because I always wondered about that. It also gives me perspective on my current situation.

I have never had that strong intense love feeling. I love H2 (I think) but it's more of an attachment kind of thing and not an intense thing. There has never been that really strong connection thing or the passion that goes with it. It felt safe. (isn't now obviously). So maybe it wasn't meant to be for me. I'm an intense person and I need maybe a bit more juice in it? Over the past few years, I've let myself soften into a lifestyle that doesn't suit me and I became unhappy with myself in the process. I am fixing that now and I'm aware of this thing I do and I'm going to work on this.

I don't want to go back to making boring repeated dinners, watching hours of television and waiting for someone to wake up who won't have any ideas about how to spend the day anyway. (I'm going to read this sentence over and over and remind myself of this because it's important). That waiting around stuff was hard on me. I've always been with people who wake up early and tackle the day and that just isn't H2- he's muddling through and sleeping through a lot of it. We are so different in that respect.

So here I am. Only a few weeks into the new year and I got slapped with something pretty harsh some time ago. But it is a mountain I am climbing up, and my view becomes clearer and clearer and I'm getting more fit as I climb.  I'm seeing more about myself now. I like the changes I've made in such a short time and there are so many that lie ahead.

Five Favorite Things
1. knowing that A was just as much in love with me as it felt at the time. (thanks for being straightforward about that)
2. flirty vegetable talk with someone else -- silly silly silly
3. The sun is out in full force.
4. down 31 lbs! (yay!)
5. that it's Valentine's day and I'm okay with not having a Valentine.