It's been dreary and cold all day. It's an early spring rain, which we need I suppose, but it darkens my heart a bit. I'm grateful I had a busy weekend. I enjoyed laughing with a friend while sitting on the curb outside an ice cream shop, that felt nice to laugh. For a few moments, that feeling in my heart went a way.
Today I wonder how many miles I'll have to power on my bike, or how many mountains I will have to climb or how much wind I need blowing in my face hard before I stop feeling so sad? I just so badly miss being loved and I don't think people understand how hard that is. I'm living with it but it's sad. I spend time wondering if people can tell how sad I am. Often times I'll survey a room full of people to see if any of them are sad or if they can tell I'm hiding this broken heart. I manage to keep it together pretty well at work and then I get in my car to go home and I usually burst into tears for about half the way home and then I pull it together.
I don't know really why I'm telling the world this. I'm really trying to be strong. I guess I'm tired of keeping it all inside. I know I'll be okay. I think I'm going to have to cycle this pain away somehow. It hurts like hell to cycle up mountains but it makes me think less about how much everything else hurts, so I do it. The plus side to all of this is I am cycling away a bunch of inches too. I'm shrinking in this new life I'm figuring out I guess. A life without being loved and smaller pants. kindof funny.
One thing is for sure. I miss being loved.
Five Favorite Things
1. this big old favorite sweatshirt I'm wearing (it fits like a dress now but It's warm and comfy and I've been enjoying it for a couple of decades)
2. that my laundry was all done last night
3. having a good recovery day after a crazy cycling weekend
4. drakes coffee cakes
5. that I don't have to come up with a #5 if I don't want to.
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