I also did something I should have done back in January. Well, I've tried to do it several times without the greatest success. It's hard when you have to tell someone that there needs to be no more contact and they don't even flinch. That alone speaks volumes. I think I was hoping for some pleading, or some desire to not cut off contact- but none of that happened. I could hear the relief in his voice- that's pretty harsh stuff but it is what it is.
Everyone tells me it takes time, grief takes time. So I'm in it now and waiting for that time period to be up. It will happen I know. I had a great conversation with a dear old friend last night and that was great. When I listed to him all the things I have going on he said "wow, you've got such a great life!" It doesn't feel so great right now, but I am fortunate.- I have great friends, great family, I'm strong enough to deal with some health challenges, there are fabulous roads out there waiting for me to get out and explore on the bike, I've got two lovely boys who never cease to amaze me, I've got a lovely little home, I've got some blank canvases that need some life put into them, I've got some canvases that have already come to life.
I have not even scratched the surface. All the good things are so plentiful. right down to the juicy grapefruit I squeezed a couple of days ago that produced a glass full of this pinkish wonderful stuff that I shared with my son Jack- we both agreed it was the best juice ever.
This picture, which I shot in August of last year when we all went out to Western Pennsylvania for a long weekend, is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I've painted a few versions of it and I can't do it justice. It's hard to believe that something this beautiful existed and I'm grateful I saw it- It changed my life. I'm lucky to have a few experiences that changed my life. Those are lasting.
Unfortunately, I got myself wrapped up and in love with someone who has no moral compass and did not have the same intentions. I loved. It was not love well spent but it was true and I can live with the fact that I was true about my love. I went into it with the best of intentions and fully committed to being the best partner I could be. (I'm not perfect by a long shot I know) I was in it to do my best.
I don't have control over anything except how I manage myself. I tend to put myself last just out of fear of being alone or being sad or abandoned and I need to stop doing that. So I'm really trying to stick to this goodbye stuff. I don't know if it will be permanent, I think it should be, and I know I need to take care of myself and not spend any more empty time with someone hoping he will see the light. Being with someone who doesn't love and probably never did you makes you feel worse and I put an end to that.
anyway, sorry this isn't about biking- I love biking as you know. It's about trying to be brave and good to myself. I am spending my time in the saddle, but I'm also juggling some health issues at the same time. It is an interesting process and the bike is a great thing. I got in more than 70 miles this past weekend-- My smaller pants I purchased a couple of months ago are now getting too loose. - that's a good thing.
So here's the deal. In an effort to simplify, this is what's on my plate: being a good mother to two of the best boys ever and taking care of myself. A simple two-course meal.
Five Favorite Things:
1. finally figuring out how to turn the heat on in the stupid Toyota
2. that my office has a door and I can have some quiet privacy to work and write
3. stir fry with tofu
4. that I'm not bitter. Sad, but not bitter. The world is full of both good and bad. We must search for the good.
5. that I am able to keep trying and keep trying at this moving forward stuff.
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