I look back at some of my posts over the past two months and I actually feel like some progress has been made. Things are certainly not perfect, but they are getting better.
Today I slept till 5:00 am-- this is the fourth night of sleep. It feels amazing and it's something I really need with everything going on.
I like not being totally immersed in the anger phase. Don't get me wrong. I am disturbed very much by what happened. But I can only control what I do. I've got a great group of friends who have all been so supportive and they worry. I wish I could reassure them about this. I look back on some things and I think to myself that it will be easy to let go. I have a whole life ahead of me and there will be mistakes, there will be uncertainties etc, but it will be a good life. There is no need to trouble or wrestle over someone who decided not to be honest and who still is not being honest. What kind of connection is that? I'll do my research and I'll do what I need to do to make sure I'm okay with saying goodbye and then I will say goodbye. (feels like those currents might calm down one day inside me)
Right now i am still "INNN the shit" I am getting out of it though. It feels like it is taking a long time some days, but this morning it doesn't feel that way. it's been a couple of months and already my life is so much more improved. I'm getting my bike legs back, I reconnected with some great people and made new connections with other great people, I've been swimming, I've been working on my health. I'll be fine. There's a life out there I'm living and It's a good one.
I'm pondering a high adventure trip this summer. (as I mentioned in earlier post). I feel good. I feel fearless again. I have not felt fearless in a long time and I like it.
Five Favorite Things
1. caring less about certain things
2. feeling pretty good this morning after a killer spin class last night
3. being hopeful
4. not missing coffee quite as much
5. being in sunny Florida in a few days
Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wrestling with Two Currents
What do you do? You've got two different currents going inside and there's not a whole lot of resolve from that. Well, you do nothing. You make no rash decisions, you take small steps and you take care of yourself. That's what you do. It's not a satisfying answer. Time and lots of it is not something an impatient results-driven woman wants to hear.-- but this is the reality. Time heals.
So here I am, two months out. I'm still very much in this mess, but I've dug out a bit and I have some perspective. Do I know all the answers? Do I know where I'll be or who I'll be with a year from now? Nope. Not a clue. Does that scare me? sometimes it does and sometimes it does not.
I'm contemplating doing a white water adventure trip out in Idaho for a week. It would be done by an outfitter. I think it might be kindof fun. I've never done whitewater rafting - category IV rapids- so not lightweight. Part of me thinks it would be a fun adventure and I'd meet some fun people in the process. Thoughts??
Five Favorite Things
1. a really good spin class
2. being inside away from this really cold weather
3. that tomorrow is Friday (kindof a good thing)
4. that I hope to bike this weekend-
5. that 1-4 came so easily
So here I am, two months out. I'm still very much in this mess, but I've dug out a bit and I have some perspective. Do I know all the answers? Do I know where I'll be or who I'll be with a year from now? Nope. Not a clue. Does that scare me? sometimes it does and sometimes it does not.
I'm contemplating doing a white water adventure trip out in Idaho for a week. It would be done by an outfitter. I think it might be kindof fun. I've never done whitewater rafting - category IV rapids- so not lightweight. Part of me thinks it would be a fun adventure and I'd meet some fun people in the process. Thoughts??
Five Favorite Things
1. a really good spin class
2. being inside away from this really cold weather
3. that tomorrow is Friday (kindof a good thing)
4. that I hope to bike this weekend-
5. that 1-4 came so easily
Dreaming-
I slept till 4:45 am today. Three good days of sleep. I feel like a new person and am hopeful this is a continuing trend. I had these amazing dreams last night. I was taking all these beautiful pictures of farmland and the sun was hitting the wheat and making it this lovely orange yellow. I woke up wanting to look at the pictures, but I shot them in my dream. (I was tempted to put an emoticon after that last sentence, this is what I've become)
I have NO IDEA what my future holds. None. There are some things I'd like and there are some things I don't want, but I have no idea what will happen in the future. I know about now though. I know that I want to work on some things about myself (in progress) and I am taking small steps. It's like walking on ice right now and the best thing to do is just keep your feet close to the ground and take very very small steps. no rush. Forgiving for the really hard stuff is a huge challenge. I'm trying.
Five Favorite Things
1. third night of decent sleep
2. being sad, but being okay with it today
3. this lazy bulldog sleeping next to me
4. making better choices
5. trying not to make any mistakes
I have NO IDEA what my future holds. None. There are some things I'd like and there are some things I don't want, but I have no idea what will happen in the future. I know about now though. I know that I want to work on some things about myself (in progress) and I am taking small steps. It's like walking on ice right now and the best thing to do is just keep your feet close to the ground and take very very small steps. no rush. Forgiving for the really hard stuff is a huge challenge. I'm trying.
Five Favorite Things
1. third night of decent sleep
2. being sad, but being okay with it today
3. this lazy bulldog sleeping next to me
4. making better choices
5. trying not to make any mistakes
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Wishing This
I love you without knowing how or when, or from where. I love you simply without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.... Pablo Neruda
How to be Happy
It is hard to be happy when you have two different currents running inside you. Both are very strong. One current tells me walk away, don't go this route you know it will never work, you are lucky to know this now (very logical and the view that many people have. The other current tells me love is true, follow your heart, forgive him, understand what is happening and don't give up. That's a lot of conflict going on inside me. Two very different views working against each other. It's a whirlpool I guess.
So how do I go from here? Sometimes I feel like I don't. Sometimes I pull out my nuclear weapons and send some punishment his way. Sometimes I try to physically move forward by seeking out other people (hasn't worked). I wish there were some thing or a button I could push so I could end this. I wish there were some thing I could do to not be so sad. I wish I did not miss him. I wish I knew how much time it will take to fix this heart. I wish I knew what the future held. I wish none of this happened. These are all things I need to stop wishing for.
It's 5 am-- I slept to 4:30 today. So that is a good thing. Usually I wake up at 2:30 or 3:00 am. I am taking an honest look at myself. I don't like everything I see, but I like a good deal of what I see. I'm trying to be nice to myself but I keep fighting this temptation to believe that I caused all of this. I want to not have these two currents I'm swimming against any more. I am so very tired of it. I am fortunate, however. I've got some really positive stuff going on too. This art show is a big deal. Things are changing and fun at my job. My boys are doing well.
Five Favorite Things
1. sleeping till 4:30
2. this quiet time to write, it helps
3. kale chips. (i made them for the first time last night)
4. trying to come up with #4
5. being able to have 1, 2 and 3
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
A Full Night's Sleep
Today is the first day in MONTHS that I slept through the night. I woke up at 5:00 am rather than 2:30 or 3:30 am. I feel like a different person. I was going to go swimming this morning, but it's so nice just having a little extra time in bed writing, so I'm going to go to my gym downtown sometime later today instead and lift weights and do a little cardio.
This whole broken heart thing is truly a healing process and I'm in it. I'm not healed. I go from being mad to distracted with other things to confused. This time of day I wake up and feel pretty sad. It's really hard to live with a broken heart. I wake up and that first 30 seconds feels fine, then the fog of sadness comes back. I keep making sure all the trains are running in my life. (and they are) and I watch people move along who are not sad and I wish I could be in their shoes just for a little while. Alas, I am not.
I have had some pretty good things happen to me too so I cannot complain, but I'm also up against a bunch of challenges. I'm trying to move forward and I am doing that, but it feels like quicksand most of the time. I guess that will make me stronger? (how strong do I have to become?) I have a new life now. I wasn't expecting it, but here it is. I know it will be a good life. I know that, but I'm building it right now and I'm still in this whole grief thing and that's hard. When I tell people about what happened, they always tell me I'm strong I'm a survivor and I'll be fine. I hope all of that is true.
Five Favorite Things
1. first full night's sleep in months (no pills to assist)
2. relaxing this morning rather than rushing to the gym
3. that other people have faith in me
4. that I have my home
5. that the most important part of my life is intact and they are sleeping peacefully in their rooms
This whole broken heart thing is truly a healing process and I'm in it. I'm not healed. I go from being mad to distracted with other things to confused. This time of day I wake up and feel pretty sad. It's really hard to live with a broken heart. I wake up and that first 30 seconds feels fine, then the fog of sadness comes back. I keep making sure all the trains are running in my life. (and they are) and I watch people move along who are not sad and I wish I could be in their shoes just for a little while. Alas, I am not.
I have had some pretty good things happen to me too so I cannot complain, but I'm also up against a bunch of challenges. I'm trying to move forward and I am doing that, but it feels like quicksand most of the time. I guess that will make me stronger? (how strong do I have to become?) I have a new life now. I wasn't expecting it, but here it is. I know it will be a good life. I know that, but I'm building it right now and I'm still in this whole grief thing and that's hard. When I tell people about what happened, they always tell me I'm strong I'm a survivor and I'll be fine. I hope all of that is true.
Five Favorite Things
1. first full night's sleep in months (no pills to assist)
2. relaxing this morning rather than rushing to the gym
3. that other people have faith in me
4. that I have my home
5. that the most important part of my life is intact and they are sleeping peacefully in their rooms
Friday, February 14, 2014
Some Twitching Muscles
Second day of weight lifting this week. My arms are twitching right now. It was a heavy workout. Abs tomorrow morning if I'm feeling up to it. Have an appointment this afternoon and then my hopes are to get in a swim if I'm feeling up to it tonight.
Five Favorite Things:
1. this big juicy orange I'm about to eat
2. scary personal trainers
3. liking the clarity
4. wearing the skinny jeans
5. progress
Five Favorite Things:
1. this big juicy orange I'm about to eat
2. scary personal trainers
3. liking the clarity
4. wearing the skinny jeans
5. progress
Something with More Juice
I had an interesting talk with a former boyfriend from many years ago yesterday afternoon. It was an interesting perspective. He's married now and quite happy. I'm kindof? married (not sure how to classify myself) anyway that prior relationship came to an abrupt end many years ago and there were things I always wondered about. I was really sad at the time. Irrationally sad, frankly, and now it seems all clear.
It was a pretty stormy relationship, but very intense. I was certain that I couldn't love anyone as much as I did then. But so many obstacles stood in the way at the time, ones I was willing to cross over but ones that I couldn't get past.
As it turns out, he was also deeply in love with me too. He discussed that yesterday and for some reason, it means a good deal to me to have heard that. The thing is back then we were like gladiators and it just didn't work. That and the long-distance issues involved. It's nice to know that I was just as special because I always wondered about that. It also gives me perspective on my current situation.
I have never had that strong intense love feeling. I love H2 (I think) but it's more of an attachment kind of thing and not an intense thing. There has never been that really strong connection thing or the passion that goes with it. It felt safe. (isn't now obviously). So maybe it wasn't meant to be for me. I'm an intense person and I need maybe a bit more juice in it? Over the past few years, I've let myself soften into a lifestyle that doesn't suit me and I became unhappy with myself in the process. I am fixing that now and I'm aware of this thing I do and I'm going to work on this.
I don't want to go back to making boring repeated dinners, watching hours of television and waiting for someone to wake up who won't have any ideas about how to spend the day anyway. (I'm going to read this sentence over and over and remind myself of this because it's important). That waiting around stuff was hard on me. I've always been with people who wake up early and tackle the day and that just isn't H2- he's muddling through and sleeping through a lot of it. We are so different in that respect.
So here I am. Only a few weeks into the new year and I got slapped with something pretty harsh some time ago. But it is a mountain I am climbing up, and my view becomes clearer and clearer and I'm getting more fit as I climb. I'm seeing more about myself now. I like the changes I've made in such a short time and there are so many that lie ahead.
Five Favorite Things
1. knowing that A was just as much in love with me as it felt at the time. (thanks for being straightforward about that)
2. flirty vegetable talk with someone else -- silly silly silly
3. The sun is out in full force.
4. down 31 lbs! (yay!)
5. that it's Valentine's day and I'm okay with not having a Valentine.
It was a pretty stormy relationship, but very intense. I was certain that I couldn't love anyone as much as I did then. But so many obstacles stood in the way at the time, ones I was willing to cross over but ones that I couldn't get past.
As it turns out, he was also deeply in love with me too. He discussed that yesterday and for some reason, it means a good deal to me to have heard that. The thing is back then we were like gladiators and it just didn't work. That and the long-distance issues involved. It's nice to know that I was just as special because I always wondered about that. It also gives me perspective on my current situation.
I have never had that strong intense love feeling. I love H2 (I think) but it's more of an attachment kind of thing and not an intense thing. There has never been that really strong connection thing or the passion that goes with it. It felt safe. (isn't now obviously). So maybe it wasn't meant to be for me. I'm an intense person and I need maybe a bit more juice in it? Over the past few years, I've let myself soften into a lifestyle that doesn't suit me and I became unhappy with myself in the process. I am fixing that now and I'm aware of this thing I do and I'm going to work on this.
I don't want to go back to making boring repeated dinners, watching hours of television and waiting for someone to wake up who won't have any ideas about how to spend the day anyway. (I'm going to read this sentence over and over and remind myself of this because it's important). That waiting around stuff was hard on me. I've always been with people who wake up early and tackle the day and that just isn't H2- he's muddling through and sleeping through a lot of it. We are so different in that respect.
So here I am. Only a few weeks into the new year and I got slapped with something pretty harsh some time ago. But it is a mountain I am climbing up, and my view becomes clearer and clearer and I'm getting more fit as I climb. I'm seeing more about myself now. I like the changes I've made in such a short time and there are so many that lie ahead.
Five Favorite Things
1. knowing that A was just as much in love with me as it felt at the time. (thanks for being straightforward about that)
2. flirty vegetable talk with someone else -- silly silly silly
3. The sun is out in full force.
4. down 31 lbs! (yay!)
5. that it's Valentine's day and I'm okay with not having a Valentine.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
That Which Doesn't Kill You
Over the past several weeks I've heard the saying "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I know this to be true, but I also am tired of the whole strength thing too. Sometimes a person just has to be a little weak, or sad or whatever. I don't feel so strong right now.
It's snowing like crazy outside. I'm going to go out at midnight or 1:00 am and do the first layer of shoveling. I don't feel so great, so I'm not looking forward to it. I'm really sick of snow. and this year has really been hard -- the winter of my discontent.
I had a stressful car breaking down thing last night. yes, tears and all on 16th street. My car blocked traffic in one of the major intersections in downtown DC- people were screaming at me, pounding on my windshield, you name it.-- like I chose to do it. It took Triple A more than 2 hours to show up. I was cold, the guy did not speak English very well and I was pretty frazzled by that point. I could reach no one to help me - it was all very stressful. I did get some help from an unexpected source however. It wasn't fun going to that source under the current circumstances, but I needed help. I keep avoiding help from this source out of principle or something and I need help sometimes. I will figure things out at some point.
Love is very very complicated. I guess that makes it so fascinating to us. It is why people paint paintings, why songs are written, how ships are named and what oftentimes keeps us going. I know all about love and its challenges, but I'm working on forgiveness right now and it's a hard one. How do you forgive when your trust was completely taken advantage of? How do you live with someone doing something completely out of character? How do you move from that? Do you forgive? Do you open up your heart? (not sure mine really has been closed) Do you live in fear? Are you able to go back to something you had? Will I find this person again? Or is he gone? Or did he never exist as I thought him to exist?
In a way, I'd say that there is no way to go back to how things were in life. And not everything was perfect by a long shot. I'm not going to re-write the past, not everything was perfect. That being said, you just can't go backwards, the world doesn't work that way. Going forward is the way to move. Will that be with him? Will it not? I don't know. I'm not making decisions right now. I'm getting through this time and trying to learn more about myself. This truly is the hardest and saddest thing that I've had to deal with in my life, but I know it's not the saddest thing in the world. Things are hard for people-- There is a lot more suffering out there than what I am going through. I know this, but I still feel pretty sad. I wish there were a switch I could flip, but there isn't. I have to get through this marathon of sadness and I'm not sure how many miles I've done.
So I guess that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I keep telling myself that. I don't feel strong at all right now but maybe there's some strength building. It's been a hard day today but there are many many great people out there. I hope I never overlook that. When you are sad and walking around in grief, the nice things that even strangers do can mean so much. I need to remember this, so I can help someone.
Five favorite things:
1. a fixed car safe in the driveway
2. finally found my down booties
3. snow, (okay it's kindof nice to have a big bunch of snow)
4. edamame (tj's lightly salted)
5.yoga pants, seagull century t-shirt and down booties- worn all together. I look like a bumble bee with blue feet.
It's snowing like crazy outside. I'm going to go out at midnight or 1:00 am and do the first layer of shoveling. I don't feel so great, so I'm not looking forward to it. I'm really sick of snow. and this year has really been hard -- the winter of my discontent.
I had a stressful car breaking down thing last night. yes, tears and all on 16th street. My car blocked traffic in one of the major intersections in downtown DC- people were screaming at me, pounding on my windshield, you name it.-- like I chose to do it. It took Triple A more than 2 hours to show up. I was cold, the guy did not speak English very well and I was pretty frazzled by that point. I could reach no one to help me - it was all very stressful. I did get some help from an unexpected source however. It wasn't fun going to that source under the current circumstances, but I needed help. I keep avoiding help from this source out of principle or something and I need help sometimes. I will figure things out at some point.
Love is very very complicated. I guess that makes it so fascinating to us. It is why people paint paintings, why songs are written, how ships are named and what oftentimes keeps us going. I know all about love and its challenges, but I'm working on forgiveness right now and it's a hard one. How do you forgive when your trust was completely taken advantage of? How do you live with someone doing something completely out of character? How do you move from that? Do you forgive? Do you open up your heart? (not sure mine really has been closed) Do you live in fear? Are you able to go back to something you had? Will I find this person again? Or is he gone? Or did he never exist as I thought him to exist?
In a way, I'd say that there is no way to go back to how things were in life. And not everything was perfect by a long shot. I'm not going to re-write the past, not everything was perfect. That being said, you just can't go backwards, the world doesn't work that way. Going forward is the way to move. Will that be with him? Will it not? I don't know. I'm not making decisions right now. I'm getting through this time and trying to learn more about myself. This truly is the hardest and saddest thing that I've had to deal with in my life, but I know it's not the saddest thing in the world. Things are hard for people-- There is a lot more suffering out there than what I am going through. I know this, but I still feel pretty sad. I wish there were a switch I could flip, but there isn't. I have to get through this marathon of sadness and I'm not sure how many miles I've done.
So I guess that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I keep telling myself that. I don't feel strong at all right now but maybe there's some strength building. It's been a hard day today but there are many many great people out there. I hope I never overlook that. When you are sad and walking around in grief, the nice things that even strangers do can mean so much. I need to remember this, so I can help someone.
Five favorite things:
1. a fixed car safe in the driveway
2. finally found my down booties
3. snow, (okay it's kindof nice to have a big bunch of snow)
4. edamame (tj's lightly salted)
5.yoga pants, seagull century t-shirt and down booties- worn all together. I look like a bumble bee with blue feet.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Up Before the Sun
I swam a mile this morning. Got up at 4:45 and headed to the YMCA. I was thinking about those other people there, dedicated, hard-working, full of integrity. I shared a lane with an incredibly handsome man who was really lean and fit and was swimming beautifully. I Cannot complain about that.
It made me wonder why I am sad about a person who has been cheating on me since October with a woman who was okay with that- okay with him sending her romantic messages and vice versa often times when I was sleeping right next to him in bed. That is not normal behavior. People are gross and there is no sense trying to figure things like this out.
I do wonder why he decided to downgrade to a woman who looks like she's been around the block MANY TIMES. Used up man-faced looking thing with fake wrinkly boobs that are down to her belly button. Gross. It certainly explains the need for the manufacture of antibiotics. I feel like I need some just writing this description. :+).
Anyway, their bad behavior is their bad behavior. It is not a reflection on me, I just happened to be the recipient. Bad Karma will get them. (by the looks of that woman, it seems it already has gotten to her.)
It has been a month since I found out about all this. I was the last person to find out. I think that is typical. Yes, I feel incredibly violated. While I was victimized, I am not a victim anymore and I will never allow this type of abuse to happen again. It is true, this behavior was happening in my home and even in my bed. I never suspected anything because I trusted my husband and thought he was a good person. I will trust people, but I will be more careful. When you love someone, you also have to take care of yourself and I didn't do that.
So here I am-- I've lost 3 clothing sizes. I swim a mile practically every day. I work hard at my job and I have a wonderful group of friends and family. Today I enjoyed my first juice from my new juicer.
Kale, Ginger, Pear and Carrots (a few blueberries too)
Five Favorite Things
1. being very different from those who deceived me
2. my first juice
3.grabbing the day
4. swimming in a lane with a really hot swimmer (very lean and fit he was and quite friendly)
5. being happy, even though I am moving through a pretty tough grieving process.
Oh, and a final note. You guys are excellent. I love the readership. Thanks. We are now over 1,000 hits. I'm glad I have your support and I appreciate all your kind words of encouragement. Sorry I have not posted your comments. I will.
It made me wonder why I am sad about a person who has been cheating on me since October with a woman who was okay with that- okay with him sending her romantic messages and vice versa often times when I was sleeping right next to him in bed. That is not normal behavior. People are gross and there is no sense trying to figure things like this out.
I do wonder why he decided to downgrade to a woman who looks like she's been around the block MANY TIMES. Used up man-faced looking thing with fake wrinkly boobs that are down to her belly button. Gross. It certainly explains the need for the manufacture of antibiotics. I feel like I need some just writing this description. :+).
Anyway, their bad behavior is their bad behavior. It is not a reflection on me, I just happened to be the recipient. Bad Karma will get them. (by the looks of that woman, it seems it already has gotten to her.)
It has been a month since I found out about all this. I was the last person to find out. I think that is typical. Yes, I feel incredibly violated. While I was victimized, I am not a victim anymore and I will never allow this type of abuse to happen again. It is true, this behavior was happening in my home and even in my bed. I never suspected anything because I trusted my husband and thought he was a good person. I will trust people, but I will be more careful. When you love someone, you also have to take care of yourself and I didn't do that.
So here I am-- I've lost 3 clothing sizes. I swim a mile practically every day. I work hard at my job and I have a wonderful group of friends and family. Today I enjoyed my first juice from my new juicer.
Kale, Ginger, Pear and Carrots (a few blueberries too)
1. being very different from those who deceived me
2. my first juice
3.grabbing the day
4. swimming in a lane with a really hot swimmer (very lean and fit he was and quite friendly)
5. being happy, even though I am moving through a pretty tough grieving process.
Oh, and a final note. You guys are excellent. I love the readership. Thanks. We are now over 1,000 hits. I'm glad I have your support and I appreciate all your kind words of encouragement. Sorry I have not posted your comments. I will.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Keepin it Moving
Alarm is set for my 5:00 am swim. This morning I swam in the Masters' lane, and it was scary hard to keep up. The bay swim is just around the corner. I like having something to prepare for. My energy is better spent focusing on goals rather than thinking about the unpleasant stuff I'm trying to recover from.
My big fat juicer arrived. I can't wait to use it tomorrow morning. It's going to make a world of difference. But what a scary looking contraption
Five favorite things:
1. speaking my mind
2. that the day-long CFTC meeting is over
3. watching two boys enjoy spaghetti
4. that I'm inside and not in the cold
5. that each day gets better
My big fat juicer arrived. I can't wait to use it tomorrow morning. It's going to make a world of difference. But what a scary looking contraption
Five favorite things:
1. speaking my mind
2. that the day-long CFTC meeting is over
3. watching two boys enjoy spaghetti
4. that I'm inside and not in the cold
5. that each day gets better
Speaking My Mind
Well,
I finally spoke my mind. It's all there. I don't regret what I've said because it all holds true. It was said in an email- not because I was too scared to say it in person, but because I want it there as a record to be read over and and over. My words have been mischaracterized over the past year and even several years to accommodate some pretty nasty stuff and that isn't going to happen anymore.
I don't expect to hear from him with any apologies or explanations. He doesn't have it in his character.
I have to live with being betrayed. I can do it and I will because I have to. One day I might even forgive him, but right now I'm going to take care of myself and my two little boys. We have a great life ahead of us. It is on a new and unexpected turn right now and I'm going to put my all into it.
Fear of being alone is not governing my thoughts. Quite the contrary. I was in a marriage with someone who did not regard my feelings, THAT was being alone.
I just got back from swimming this morning. So far this is a good day. Cold, but good.
Five Favorite Things:
1. my faithful bulldog keeping my feet warm
2. a good night's sleep
3. facing the reality that I have no more words to say or secret hopes that things will be repaired
4. feeling a little stronger today
5. that I have a job to go to.
I finally spoke my mind. It's all there. I don't regret what I've said because it all holds true. It was said in an email- not because I was too scared to say it in person, but because I want it there as a record to be read over and and over. My words have been mischaracterized over the past year and even several years to accommodate some pretty nasty stuff and that isn't going to happen anymore.
I don't expect to hear from him with any apologies or explanations. He doesn't have it in his character.
I have to live with being betrayed. I can do it and I will because I have to. One day I might even forgive him, but right now I'm going to take care of myself and my two little boys. We have a great life ahead of us. It is on a new and unexpected turn right now and I'm going to put my all into it.
Fear of being alone is not governing my thoughts. Quite the contrary. I was in a marriage with someone who did not regard my feelings, THAT was being alone.
I just got back from swimming this morning. So far this is a good day. Cold, but good.
Five Favorite Things:
1. my faithful bulldog keeping my feet warm
2. a good night's sleep
3. facing the reality that I have no more words to say or secret hopes that things will be repaired
4. feeling a little stronger today
5. that I have a job to go to.
Sunday, February 09, 2014
Coming Up for Air
I didn't realize how very cold it is outside. I've been hibernating a bit.
Okay, I just have to say it. I know we are early into it, but I am so ready for 2014 to be over with. This has been the worst year I've ever had and it's only five weeks into it. Yes, yes, yes, all the positive strength stuff is still there, I'm just tired and cold today. Hungry, but my stomach hurts. Tired, but wide awake. Bored, but very distracted. I could go on.
Today I ventured out to get pet stuff and groceries for the week. I wore this running jacket I bought about a year ago to run with my then husband. It now fits like a dress. The backpacking pants I ordered from eddie bauer arrived yesterday, too big. pain, bc I like them. I'm in between sizes right now, which is a total pain.
I'm trying to decide if I should swim today, but my back is burning a bit. Maybe I'll give it a rest today. Two days of hibernating then, I suppose.
Five favorite things:
1. sleeping in your clothes
2. not having to be at work today
3. long talks with old friends
4. being carb free, meat free, processed food free, caffeine free, and alcohol free for more than a month. (the alcohol thing is going to change soon probably)
5. having a good hair day? spend a couple of days hibernating and this happens?
Okay, I just have to say it. I know we are early into it, but I am so ready for 2014 to be over with. This has been the worst year I've ever had and it's only five weeks into it. Yes, yes, yes, all the positive strength stuff is still there, I'm just tired and cold today. Hungry, but my stomach hurts. Tired, but wide awake. Bored, but very distracted. I could go on.
Today I ventured out to get pet stuff and groceries for the week. I wore this running jacket I bought about a year ago to run with my then husband. It now fits like a dress. The backpacking pants I ordered from eddie bauer arrived yesterday, too big. pain, bc I like them. I'm in between sizes right now, which is a total pain.
I'm trying to decide if I should swim today, but my back is burning a bit. Maybe I'll give it a rest today. Two days of hibernating then, I suppose.
Five favorite things:
1. sleeping in your clothes
2. not having to be at work today
3. long talks with old friends
4. being carb free, meat free, processed food free, caffeine free, and alcohol free for more than a month. (the alcohol thing is going to change soon probably)
5. having a good hair day? spend a couple of days hibernating and this happens?
Friday, February 07, 2014
Holding Tight
Oy, so much waiting waiting waiting for appointments. Things went pretty quickly this morning, but now it's just a whole bunch of waiting, forms, etc.
Today has its challenges. I'm still in them, but the race gun has fired so It's all just moving forward I suppose.
I did stop for a minute in time today. Someone held me and it felt like he didn't want to let go.
Now I'm here. Still have not figured out how to get this iPod to work with the playlists I want. So here is the playlist I want.
1.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq9UbWrg6cA
2.www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XMZNI1qKh8&feature=kp
3.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EfHZtCKJGY&feature=kp
4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6duhLeR7LeY&feature=kp
5.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YTh1Wsqo2c&feature=kp
6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4-IZTZkTY8&feature=kp
7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfG47NsWVYA&feature=kp
8.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU615FaODCg&feature=kp
9. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGlR6oFjC3A&feature=kp
Five Favorite Things:
1. that tomorrow I can rest up
2. being kindof brave
3. not arguing
4. having a good hair day
5. having time to post this.
Today has its challenges. I'm still in them, but the race gun has fired so It's all just moving forward I suppose.
I did stop for a minute in time today. Someone held me and it felt like he didn't want to let go.
Now I'm here. Still have not figured out how to get this iPod to work with the playlists I want. So here is the playlist I want.
1.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq9UbWrg6cA
2.www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XMZNI1qKh8&feature=kp
3.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EfHZtCKJGY&feature=kp
4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6duhLeR7LeY&feature=kp
5.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YTh1Wsqo2c&feature=kp
6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4-IZTZkTY8&feature=kp
7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfG47NsWVYA&feature=kp
8.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU615FaODCg&feature=kp
9. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGlR6oFjC3A&feature=kp
Five Favorite Things:
1. that tomorrow I can rest up
2. being kindof brave
3. not arguing
4. having a good hair day
5. having time to post this.
No need for an Alarm Clock
Hello again, as usual I am awake at 4:15-4:30. It is a strange time of day-- is it morning? or is it still the middle of the night? Lately I've been waking up wondering if am I going to be sad today? Am I going to be mad today? Am I going to be scared today?
Yesterday, I felt pretty mad all day and resolved about what it is I need to do. This morning, I feel tired about it. I'm tired of explaining what happened to people, I'm tired of talking to people like I'm going to be strong about it. What's interesting is that the story I have to tell has been so upsetting to people, I've learned to tell it in a brave way so they feel okay. It's hard, because I'm just as horrified too. I've honed in on my brave face stuff. I even smile and laugh every once in a while. That's a good thing.
Today is going to be a hard day on many levels. My biggest goal is not to smash H2's phone to bits on his big fat ugly over-sized crappy face. There is a 95% chance that might happen, so I'm going to be sitting on my hands. My knee hurts a little this morning, so I'm going to do all of the exercises my PT assigned shortly.
I'm trying to decide if I should swim now or do it after H2 leaves? If I wait, the outdoor pool will be completely empty-- Okay, I'm going to wait. I've got some stuff going on in the afternoon, so I will have to be quick about it.
Gotta figure out how to set up this new iPod so I can have playlists. Apple is not easy about stuff- I really get frustrated with iTunes.
My dinner last night at Matchbox was nice. In the past when I have gone there, I would get their wood-fired pizza or their renowned mini burgers served on buttered brioche rolls. (both are amazing) But last night I had the chef make me broccoli rabe sauted with portobello mushrooms in garlic and olive oil with a white wine reduction. (in an earlier post I said Kale, it was broccoli rabe). My brother had fish. It looked good. He looked good. He's been really focusing on his health lately.
He gave me a pep talk. I can tell behind the scenes, friends and family are discussing how to help etc. They all seem like they are worried but are hiding it from me. I can always tell that stuff- that's what I do, read people. I can tell a lot about a person from a photo even. (I admit I wasn't so great at reading H2's character) So here I am, today is Friday, there will be a couple of hours with H2 getting the car situation sorted. He's getting as much stuff out of the house as possible today, then I have some things I need to deal with in the afternoon. I'm squeezing in a swim for sure. Part of me feels like I should swim now, but it will be crowded, so I will wait.
Five Favorite Things
1. That I can be honest about this situation
2. That I am feeling some bravery today
3. That being at the bottom of a mountain is better than being at the bottom of a well
4. That I will be enjoying blueberries and strawberries after I finish this post
5. That I have all of you. I need you.
Yesterday, I felt pretty mad all day and resolved about what it is I need to do. This morning, I feel tired about it. I'm tired of explaining what happened to people, I'm tired of talking to people like I'm going to be strong about it. What's interesting is that the story I have to tell has been so upsetting to people, I've learned to tell it in a brave way so they feel okay. It's hard, because I'm just as horrified too. I've honed in on my brave face stuff. I even smile and laugh every once in a while. That's a good thing.
Today is going to be a hard day on many levels. My biggest goal is not to smash H2's phone to bits on his big fat ugly over-sized crappy face. There is a 95% chance that might happen, so I'm going to be sitting on my hands. My knee hurts a little this morning, so I'm going to do all of the exercises my PT assigned shortly.
I'm trying to decide if I should swim now or do it after H2 leaves? If I wait, the outdoor pool will be completely empty-- Okay, I'm going to wait. I've got some stuff going on in the afternoon, so I will have to be quick about it.
Gotta figure out how to set up this new iPod so I can have playlists. Apple is not easy about stuff- I really get frustrated with iTunes.
My dinner last night at Matchbox was nice. In the past when I have gone there, I would get their wood-fired pizza or their renowned mini burgers served on buttered brioche rolls. (both are amazing) But last night I had the chef make me broccoli rabe sauted with portobello mushrooms in garlic and olive oil with a white wine reduction. (in an earlier post I said Kale, it was broccoli rabe). My brother had fish. It looked good. He looked good. He's been really focusing on his health lately.
He gave me a pep talk. I can tell behind the scenes, friends and family are discussing how to help etc. They all seem like they are worried but are hiding it from me. I can always tell that stuff- that's what I do, read people. I can tell a lot about a person from a photo even. (I admit I wasn't so great at reading H2's character) So here I am, today is Friday, there will be a couple of hours with H2 getting the car situation sorted. He's getting as much stuff out of the house as possible today, then I have some things I need to deal with in the afternoon. I'm squeezing in a swim for sure. Part of me feels like I should swim now, but it will be crowded, so I will wait.
Five Favorite Things
1. That I can be honest about this situation
2. That I am feeling some bravery today
3. That being at the bottom of a mountain is better than being at the bottom of a well
4. That I will be enjoying blueberries and strawberries after I finish this post
5. That I have all of you. I need you.
Thursday, February 06, 2014
Dinner with My Big Brother
I had dinner with my brother tonight. It was nice to talk and actually laugh about a few things. I'm grateful I have a good family. People have been really nice, even strangers have been nice. I had lunch today in the District Tea Lodge and the manager was so welcoming, they invited me to take Yoga there too. It was a great lunch too, kale with sundried tomato slices, mushrooms, a bunch of different types of seeds and a soy ginger dressing. I'm going to have it again next week.
I was able to tell the entire story to my brother about what has transpired over the past few weeks and the nasty stuff that had been going on behind my back since at least November. He was pretty sickened by it, as are many many other people. It's very ugly behavior. While it is heartbreaking to have something like this happen, it is far worse to have to be the person who has to live with this knowing he did this. That is definitely the consensus among a lot of people.
What was nice about the evening is that there really wasn't much focus on what happened, but more discussion about what next. It is all very positive stuff. I have a good story to tell about this journey, all that nasty stuff is behind. I'm lucky to have discovered this now versus several years from now. I can make a clean break and learn from all this and move on. It will be a closed chapter in my book.
I'm feeling a little sore today from my PT visit. I guess that's a good thing right?
anyway. All is well. I'm loved-- by the best people in the world. They accept me for being me and we are all certain that I am going to get up this mountain and see some really wonderful things at the top. I've got a lot of people helping me out, so I can do it.
Five Favorite Things:
1. big brother
2. not having that pain in my gut today
3. being bold enough to have the chef create exactly what I wanted for dinner (roasted kale and portobello mushrooms in a shallot, white wine reduction with browned garlic)
4. my knee feels a little better
5. being just fine with the gal I see in the mirror
I was able to tell the entire story to my brother about what has transpired over the past few weeks and the nasty stuff that had been going on behind my back since at least November. He was pretty sickened by it, as are many many other people. It's very ugly behavior. While it is heartbreaking to have something like this happen, it is far worse to have to be the person who has to live with this knowing he did this. That is definitely the consensus among a lot of people.
What was nice about the evening is that there really wasn't much focus on what happened, but more discussion about what next. It is all very positive stuff. I have a good story to tell about this journey, all that nasty stuff is behind. I'm lucky to have discovered this now versus several years from now. I can make a clean break and learn from all this and move on. It will be a closed chapter in my book.
I'm feeling a little sore today from my PT visit. I guess that's a good thing right?
anyway. All is well. I'm loved-- by the best people in the world. They accept me for being me and we are all certain that I am going to get up this mountain and see some really wonderful things at the top. I've got a lot of people helping me out, so I can do it.
Five Favorite Things:
1. big brother
2. not having that pain in my gut today
3. being bold enough to have the chef create exactly what I wanted for dinner (roasted kale and portobello mushrooms in a shallot, white wine reduction with browned garlic)
4. my knee feels a little better
5. being just fine with the gal I see in the mirror