New Chapter

Sometimes it is so hard to move forward. Believe me, I feel like I've been walking through quicksand for the past nine months. I've been told this is not a very long period of time in terms of recovering from a major change in my life, but it feels like forever to me. Even so, I can't speed up the recovery process. Grief has its own schedule. What I can do is look forward, focus on building good things in my life and strengthening that which is already in my life and not being hard on myself.

I've been angry, sad, numb, happy, scared, tired, sleepless etc  over the past several months and given the circumstances, much of this was with an emotional dial fixed on the highest setting. It's been really challenging. I can honestly say that I have learned a great deal over the past several months. Sometimes I have been stubborn and in denial too. I've learned not only much about life and people and expectations, but I've learned a lot about myself. Hardships can also bring about good things. I can't say I'd like to sign up for hardship, but if hardship comes the best thing is to learn and build from it. Believe me, it's a work in progress.

Anyway, as trite as it sounds: Life does indeed go on. The goal is to make the next steps be steps that build. Sometimes bad steps will be taken. Ultimately, I can still have a smile on my face and yes, I still will have many more tears to shed. Either way, there is a path ahead.

Five Favorite Things:
1. That six years is only a small portion of 50 years
2. My upcoming trip
3. Getting some projects done at work
4. Having healthy, happy boys in my life
5. Doing my best to move forward

Time to Get Away from This

Haven't Been Biking in a Long Time, But That's Okay

I realized today, that I have not been out on the bike in about a month! But this is okay. I've been busy, hiking, wildernessing in Idaho, painting etc. So it's all good.

This weekend I had an outdoor adventure with my two sons and one of their friends. It was great fun, even in a rain storm. We had a good team and a lot of fun together. A little tent shortage situation, but we were able to double up and work things out.

Five Favorite Things:
1. focusing on happy stuff
2. getting outside
3. sleeping in my real bed last night (I'll admit)
4. looking forward to another trip
5. managing a bunch of things and accepting that you can be sad and happy and maybe not feeling all that well at the same time and it will be okay.

The last weekend of Summer

It was a busy weekend and also a bit sad being the last weekend of Summer. My oldest son marched in the parade today with his band and later we spent time with friends at the pool. Tomorrow, back to the grind.

Five Favorite Things
1. a clean house
2. getting all the dessert stuff out of here
3. a good night's sleep
4. cold water
5. a comfy home

Partnering with Me

I am back now from my Idaho Wilderness Adventure. What a trip. It took jets, more jets, cars on windy roads, small single engine planes and a variety of small inflatable boats to navigate about 100 miles north on the Middle Fork of the Salmon River.

I went alone with an outfitted group. It was great fun and it felt good to be a part of something, particularly as I am now alone.

I am back in the daily grind and I am definitely not part of something with someone I loved. No life partnership stuff anymore. I am a mother and I have my family and they keep me going every day and I am grateful for that. I've been struggling with losing my partner for the past nine months and everything now is final. There is no uncertainty. I'm not surprised. I was hoping things would snap back to when all seemed happy and wonderful, but it is not going to happen. So I let that little light of hope go out. It was to be expected, but it hurts like nothing else.

All this and I'm keeping the trains running and keeping a brave smile on my face. Accepting and saying goodbye permanently to what I thought was going to be the rest of my life is hard. A year ago I never would have expected to be in this place, but here I am and I will move forward.

I will write more about my trip. It was a great adventure.

Five Favorite Things
1. that I am genuinely happy in the photo above
2. that my two boys are doing well
3. that I have a long weekend coming up
4. that a sad heart will heal
5. clarity, albeit very hard.

Aint Nothin to Fix

Still feeling pretty crappy. A dose of pnemonia but the walking version. I missed the Chesapeake Bay Swim, but I'm okay with that. I've had a great time training and building and that's the most important part.

I've spent a lot of energy on a lost cause and I'm done doing that. I'm going to get back to focusing on healing and being with my family. I can only change my behavior.

Five Favorite Things
1. strong antibiotics
2. that these pants I'm wearing are loose
3. that it's June and not January anymore
4. that I'm not going to make a fool out of myself anymore
5. that being done means being done!

Sick as a Dog!

Well, a gorgeous weekend, perfect for swimming and biking and enjoying the outdoors and I'm sick. High fever, sore throat, stomach not so great and I feel very weak. Bummed. My kids are being pretty good sports and helpful under the circumstances. I could sure use some TLC right now.

Five Favorite Things
1. cold water
2. that my chills are not too bad right this moment
3. that the kids are being such good sports
4. that hopefully this will be short-lived
5. that I have a book to read and I'm ok just taking care of myself

2,200 miles, 234,000 feet (44 miles) 145 Days

Wow, I feel like I've been loafing around feeling sad all the time. Well, I do feel pretty sad most of the time, but I also feel happy too--
I just added up all the miles on my bike and the miles in the pool since the beginning of this year. It is the middle of May and I've nearly made it across the country on my bike- I suppose I'd be in New Mexico? I've done 44 miles in the pool too. It adds up doesn't it?
well, I know I have a good deal of progress ahead but I sure feel a lot better now than I did back in January. I remember feeling like I couldn't even move my chest it hurt so bad. I've not experienced that degree of sadness too often in my life. I feel like I am looking back at it though. I've been reminding myself since January that I'm at the bottom of a mountain, not the bottom of a well. I don't feel like I'm at the bottom anymore. I'm not at the top, but I'm definitely not at the bottom

It has been quite a journey. Here I am. Still me, still sad, but I've got 2,200 miles on the bike behind me and 234,000 feet in the pool. All that in 145 days.

Five Favorite Things
1. swimming with Jack
2. being able to tally up some pretty good stuff
3. this quiet room
4. sunny days
5. that I'm being okay.

Mother's Day Ride

Feeling a bit under the weather, but I'm going to get out and do a little ride. i will post pictures later

Five Favorite Things
1. great weather
2. a good cup of joe
3. a cozy home with bulldogs, guinea pigs and boys
4. eggs n toast
5. strawberry/pineapple smoothie

Ready to Go

All my art is up now at the restaurant, I added five more pieces. I also put up my artist statement in several areas- (a little unnerving)

I'm a bit tired, because it was a late night for me and a lot of work to do by myself, but I did it. I was thinking that it was sad not to have my partner with me but if he were with me he'd probably be thinking how much he hated me and hated being married anyway, so I suppose it's better just to handle things alone.

I'm not feeling well. I have been feeling under the weather for several days, but I'm still moving forward. It's really hard at times, but I suppose what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. Sometimes the lines between being killed or strengthened feel a bit blurred. :+)

I'm excited about the show and I'm glad it's going to be really good weather this weekend.

Five Favorite Things
1. that I got a lot of stuff done
2. that it's going to be a beautiful day
3. that all the laundry is done
4. a good night's sleep
5. another day

Art Show This Weekend, Some Last Minute Painting!

I finished this last night at 1:00 am. I'm going to have to install this as the show is in process, which is kindof against the rules, but so be it.

This weekend is my art show. I have an all-artists opening reception on Friday night and then I will be onsite for most of the weekend as my art is viewed.

Five Favorite Things:
1. wearing a new dress
2. NO PAIN! in my knee
3. accepting that I am sad but also happy about things too
4. that my basement did not leak with the deluge of rain we received
5. that I finished the above painting!

My art show is part of the Takoma Art Hop. Click on these two logos- (Art Hop and Roscoe's) for details and directions.

Please come. I will be onsite where my art is on display at: (click on logo for details) I have a reception in the main dining room on Sunday May 4 from 3:30 to 5:30. Please come, I'll be there, you can ask me questions about my work and you can enjoy some amazing wood-fired pizza and some other tasty treats from this great establishment- lovely wine too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Got Some Gel

So I had an injection of this special gel into my knee- it is supposed to last up to 6 months. I'm crossing my fingers this will buy me some time. The next step after this is surgery- which might not even fix my problems.- I have a very conservative doctor who wants to take this one step at a time. My knee feels squishy right now, which is better than throbbing- so I'm pretty hopeful.

My art show/reception is coming up this weekend. http://arthoptakoma.com/
My art is showing at Roscoe's in Takoma Park-- 7040 Carroll Avenue, Takoma Park MD 20912-- my reception is on Sunday May 4 from 3:30 to 5:30.

A lot of stuff is going on and I'm happy about it. I'm lucky to have things in my life it helps with the hard stuff.

Five Favorite Things
1. Dr. Faucett putting this gel in my knee
2. Being here, rather than in the pouring down rain
3. My lovely friends (Thanks Ruthie)
4. My pants are loose and comfy (prol a bit too loose)
5. A good night's sleep

Hard to Sleep

I didn't sleep so well last night. My knee was hurting, the doggy had to go out several times and I was feeling a bit sad. (I feel sad pretty frequently on this journey as you know and I'm told I need to live with grief for a while) My mother was set to fly in tomorrow for my art show and a nice visit with my kiddies and she had to cancel because my father needs a serious eye operation. I sure hope all goes well with that. He's had a lot of health challenges and it's hard on my mother too.

I also did something I should have done back in January. Well, I've tried to do it several times without the greatest success. It's hard when you have to tell someone that there needs to be no more contact and they don't even flinch. That alone speaks volumes. I think I was hoping for some pleading, or some desire to not cut off contact- but none of that happened. I could hear the relief in his voice- that's pretty harsh stuff but it is what it is.

Everyone tells me it takes time, grief takes time. So I'm in it now and waiting for that time period to be up. It will happen I know. I had a great conversation with a dear old friend last night and that was great. When I listed to him all the things I have going on he said "wow, you've got such a great life!" It doesn't feel so great right now, but I am fortunate.- I have great friends, great family, I'm strong enough to deal with some health challenges, there are fabulous roads out there waiting for me to get out and explore on the bike, I've got two lovely boys who never cease to amaze me, I've got a lovely little home, I've got some blank canvases that need some life put into them, I've got some canvases that have already come to life.

I have not even scratched the surface. All the good things are so plentiful. right down to the juicy grapefruit I squeezed a couple of days ago that produced a glass full of this pinkish wonderful stuff that I shared with my son Jack- we both agreed it was the best juice ever.

This picture, which I shot in August of last year when we all went out to Western Pennsylvania for a long weekend, is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I've painted a few versions of it and I can't do it justice. It's hard to believe that something this beautiful existed and I'm grateful I saw it- It changed my life. I'm lucky to have a few experiences that changed my life. Those are lasting.

Unfortunately, I got myself wrapped up and in love with someone who has no moral compass and did not have the same intentions. I loved. It was not love well spent but it was true and I can live with the fact that I was true about my love. I went into it with the best of intentions and fully committed to being the best partner I could be. (I'm not perfect by a long shot I know) I was in it to do my best.

I don't have control over anything except how I manage myself. I tend to put myself last just out of fear of being alone or being sad or abandoned and I need to stop doing that. So I'm really trying to stick to this goodbye stuff. I don't know if it will be permanent, I think it should be, and I know I need to take care of myself and not spend any more empty time with someone hoping he will see the light. Being with someone who doesn't love and probably never did you makes you feel worse and I put an end to that.

anyway, sorry this isn't about biking- I love biking as you know. It's about trying to be brave and good to myself. I am spending my time in the saddle, but I'm also juggling some health issues at the same time. It is an interesting process and the bike is a great thing. I got in more than 70 miles this past weekend-- My smaller pants I purchased a couple of months ago are now getting too loose. - that's a good thing.

So here's the deal. In an effort to simplify, this is what's on my plate: being a good mother to two of the best boys ever and taking care of myself. A simple two-course meal.

Five Favorite Things:
1. finally figuring out how to turn the heat on in the stupid Toyota
2. that my office has a door and I can have some quiet privacy to work and write
3. stir fry with tofu
4. that I'm not bitter. Sad, but not bitter. The world is full of both good and bad. We must search for the good.
5. that I am able to keep trying and keep trying at this moving forward stuff.

A Biking Weekend

More than 70 miles this weekend in the saddle. I can assure you I can feel it. In some unmentionable places let's just say.

I think going forward, I'm not going to do two charity rides in one weekend. It takes a lot of energy- the getting up at 5:00 am stuff to the riding a whole lot stuff.  Here are some pictures from my ride today, which was on the Eastern shore. It was flat-ish but a whole lot of wind. At times felt like I was riding into a wall.

As you can see, much of my time was spent in the middle of nowhere and it was quiet and open. It was a nice day. Although I'm beat. I'm also figuring out some things. I think today I came to a pretty big decision, one I needed to come to a while ago. More on that later

Five Favorite Things
1. that i did it!
2. pbj sandwiches out on the bike
3. indian food to top off two full days of biking
4. that the most important parts of my weekends are ones I can enjoy again and count on
5. that i will be ok. I'm strong

Kicked my BUTT!

This was taken at Mile 30. I thought the open field was pretty

Dexter The Bike Bulldog Would Not Pose for Me

 

I took this at Mile 17 on my ride. One of the very few flat parts of the ride

The picture doesn't do justice. It was this cool 200 yr old tree

One of Maryland's Few Remaining Covered Bridges

So apparently Cecil County Maryland is not flat. I climbed over 2,000 feet on this ride. almost 36 miles. It was a hard one so early in the season. I met some friendly cyclists, most of whom were from Delaware- they said they come here for the hills. (funny that I signed up for this 50K ride b/c I thought it would be flat)

It was a beautiful ride. Bicentennial Farms, old stone-houses dating before the revolutionary war. Big open fields, cows that look at you curiously, horse farms, old tractors, clean air. All in all, a very good day but I'm beat and I'm going to take a nap now.

Five Favorite Things
1. that I am sometimes quite determined about things
2. the homeade ice cream I ate after that grueling ride
3. that I finished
4. that I did not stop at the Indian Buffet (even though i had blinkers on, blinkers off- toying with the idea)
5. this comfy bed

Dealing with what I have

So yesterday I received some pretty bad news about my knee. It's shot- eventually I will need a replacement, I have advanced osteoarthritis, the meniscus is spent etc. I was hoping there would be some very solvable problem, but that is not the case. My doctor will not perform a knee replacement on me because I am too young and too active. I need to figure out how to navigate with this bum knee.
I gave myself a bit of "woe is me" time and then decided to have an action plan, much of which is already in place. This is my life. I have a bad knee- I know people with worse situations. So I'm going to continue the weight loss. I think getting at the bottom range of my recommended weight will help and reduce as much stress as possible on the knee. Secondly I'm going to push through it. I can't run or do high impact sports but I can cycle and swim and lift weights. So that's what I'm going to do.

On another more personal note, I've been thinking about taking more control of the things I want. I've been doing a bit of waiting around and I'm not going to do that anymore. It's making me feel bad about myself.

five favorite things
1. that I am the kind of person who comes up with an action plan
2. that I will manage all of this
3. that i'm here and not where I was a few months ago
4. that I will learn to take better care of myself
5. greek yogurt.

Bad Knee, But Still Riding (hopefully)

Sorry It's been a while since I've posted. I had a great weekend. Perfect weather- I managed to get in 50 miles on Saturday and on Sunday I shot some great photos of some of my racing friends (I will post them once I get permission to do so). My knee is killing me. It's awful. I can't sleep. It hurts to walk, like something is tearing etc. -- this is all because a couple of weeks ago I had the grand idea of wearing high heels. Today I am getting another MRI and then I will find out if I have a torn meniscus-- if so it is likely I will need surgery, which will indeed put riding on hold for a month or so- VERY DISAPPOINTED.

Anyway. I'm doing my best to keep my spirits up. I will turn to swimming for a while.

Five Favorite Things
1. that the boxes of peeps are all gone
2. that my kiddos are back in town
3. my improvement with using photoshop
4. that I finished a painting (kindof) for my art show
5. that the sun is shining today and my apple tree is blooming

Big Bad Sore Knee

I wore heels on Wednesday and now my knee is swollen and very sore. I'm keeping it cool today b/c i have a couple of good rides planned for the weekend. I'm really disappointed about my knee.

On the sadness front, well yes, it's still there. I'm working on it. I have started work to grow my women's cycling group- only a few members so far but I'm confident it will grow into something big and fun.

Five Favorite Things
1. getting back on the wagon
2. hoping my knee will be better
3. no more snow
4. a cold glass of water
5. that today is Friday

Missing

It's been dreary and cold all day. It's an early spring rain, which we need I suppose, but it darkens my heart a bit. I'm grateful I had a busy weekend. I enjoyed laughing with a friend while sitting on the curb outside an ice cream shop, that felt nice to laugh. For a few moments, that feeling in my heart went a way.

Today I wonder how many miles I'll have to power on my bike, or how many mountains I will have to climb or how much wind I need blowing in my face hard before I stop feeling so sad? I just so badly miss being loved and I don't think people understand how hard that is. I'm living with it but it's sad. I spend time wondering if people can tell how sad I am. Often times I'll survey a room full of people to see if any of them are sad or if they can tell I'm hiding this broken heart. I manage to keep it together pretty well at work and then I get in my car to go home and I usually burst into tears for about half the way home and then I pull it together.

I don't know really why I'm telling the world this. I'm really trying to be strong. I guess I'm tired of keeping it all inside. I know I'll be okay. I think I'm going to have to cycle this pain away somehow. It hurts like hell to cycle up mountains but it makes me think less about how much everything else hurts, so I do it. The plus side to all of this is I am cycling away a bunch of inches too. I'm shrinking in this new life I'm figuring out I guess. A life without being loved and smaller pants. kindof funny.

One thing is for sure. I miss being loved.

Five Favorite Things

1. this big old favorite sweatshirt I'm wearing (it fits like a dress now but It's warm and comfy and I've been enjoying it for a couple of decades)
2. that my laundry was all done last night
3. having a good recovery day after a crazy cycling weekend
4. drakes coffee cakes
5. that I don't have to come up with a #5 if I don't want to.

Rainy and Monday

Wow,

I feel a bit tired after such a busy weekend. I haven't had such a busy weekend in a very long time, but it was all good stuff.-- Lots of miles on the bike, some boat time, some friend time, some photo taking time. It was all good.

It's rainy today and dreary but at least it isn't snowing. I can deal with a spring rain. My britches are too big. I'm running out of clothes.  As you can see faintly in this selfie I just took I have a bit of windburn on my face from being outside all weekend. It's kindof a sad/happy look. I'm getting there.

Five Favorite Things:
1. that I was able to get another 5 weeks of physical therapy-
2. that all my laundry is done
3. that I see the kiddos tonight
4. this cup of decaf I'm enjoying
5. feeling rested after an active weekend.

Some Landmarks

It has been 63 days since I stopped counting down when my husband left me. Today is the first day I stopped to think about how long it has been. It has been 82 days since he has left. It has been 100 days since I've eaten any meat and here I am.

I had a killer ride today on the Baltimore and Annapolis trail- then quickly back home- (after Indian food) to drive out to the Sharpsburg area to shoot pictures with my friend. Here are some of my photos. I have not edited any of these.

Today driving back home I had good music on the stereo in the car and I was feeling happy and for a moment I looked over to grab my husband's hand- it's something I always did instinctively when I was happy and we were in the car. And, of course, the seat was empty next to me, and I recalled that over the past few months we were together there wasn't a whole lot of hand holding going on. Made me sad, but not bursting into tears sad, which is how I might have felt 62 days ago, or for that matter. So I feel like I'm moving forward. Sometimes it feels like a really slow crawl. It's hard to be sad all the time, but there are a lot of great things out there and I'll just do what I can.

Five Favorite Things
1. a great ride to start off the day
2. a great afternoon with an old friend
3. laughing over ice cream
4. being okay
5. Day 83