A Year Ago

A year ago I was looking at these same trees and they looked so beautiful, but my heart was so heavy. I remembered stopping the car to call my now ex husband and urging him to reconsider what he was doing. I wanted so badly for all of the bad stuff to be shaken off. I wanted to understand why things happened. Well, it just wasn't in the cards. That's difficult, but it's the reality. There are no answers for the bad treatment, it was just a string of hurtful and bad decisions made that came my way. Are there regrets? I will never know.

Back then I was still trying to sort out why someone who I thought loved me just wanted to walk away and not think twice about it, not think about the hurt he caused to my family, my children to me. It was hard to accept that this special person would have lied and continued to lie, lie lie. I was still thinking that getting answers would make things better, or that it would at least help me understand.

I still carry sadness and there are days when I am reminded of some pretty difficult stuff. It's hard to have some pretty bad stuff come from a person who was a nice guy.

Here I am, a year later, shooting these trees with my good camera. I don't have the answers. I never will. But I do have far more now than I did then. I have my two boys, I have this mending heart and I have a new love. A year ago, I feared I'd never be able to love again and here I am and well, it's wonderful and scary and unpredictable and all that. It ain't just words, I can feel it!

Five Favorite Things
1. beautiful trees in Rock Creek Park
2. being a year later
3. that my heart is able to be mended
4. a comfortable bed
5. being loved

Before the Lens

I find myself in this new place. It is a melting pot of feelings and it does not feel like that stable barge of grief I've been floating on for the past two years. It feels more like a thin, sleek kayak that is low in the water and rocks around a bit with every little move or even the slightest wisp of wind.

Almost Always I am behind the lens, not in front of it. It is a safe place for me to capture the world. It's less scary that way and it feels less vulnerable. I think being vulnerable is okay, even with all the risks.

This is vulnerable, but it is also full of joy and hope and a few other things. I remind myself that feelings are not a destination, they are feelings. What truly is a destination is something that is continuous, joyful at times, difficult at times, safe at times and even uncertain at times.

I don't exactly know how you go from point A to point B. I thought I would have figured out by now the formula for having control over that sort of thing. But what I think I've figured out is that I am not sure if even trying to do so with absolute determination is really a worthwhile effort.

Five Favorite Things
1. being brave
2. being in front of the lens sometimes
3. sunlight filtering through the woods
4. an office with a door
5. kayaking (way more fun that being on a barge)

The Refugee Returns

I actually feel pretty happy. I have to pinch myself a bit. I'm still carrying a bit of grief with me, but I feel happy. Who would have known? I've been experiencing some kindness over the past few weeks that's growing into something really nice. It feels strange, like I'm having my first big meal on home soil after being away as a refugee for so long.

A year ago I would not be in this place. I'm not even sure where this place is, or what direction the path will lead, but so far so good. New things help you say goodbye to old things. And they give you hope. To be sure, they don't erase the old things, but they help you put that old stuff in the right place so your path isn't blocked.

Heading Out to Ohio

For the past few days, I've been operating on just a few hours of sleep. It's all by choice. It's great to explore and learn new things about people. I'm having fun in the process.
We are packing up to head out to Ohio today. It will be a long drive, bikes in tow- but I'm looking forward to getting away for a bit. (and then hurrying back :+))

For those of you who know me, this whole emoticon thing is not my thing, but I've been an emoticon person for the past couple of weeks. What does this mean? I have a full plate of things that lie ahead, but I'm pretty happy about all of it. (although I'm a bit sick of painting cows).

There's not much more that I can say at this point. New adventures!

Five favorite things:
1. being tired for a good reason
2. this really good cup of joe I'm drinking
3. having some really fun film projects/challenges on my plate
4. that we were able to get that complicated bike rack thing attached to the trailer hitch
5. acceptance, that it's here?

To Ask Yourself Every Morning

This is tough for me, especially when I'm sad and mad and some pretty crappy things happened to me by someone who was very special. but I'm trying. This has been my little routine of questions I ask myself every morning. Even in the hardest of times, there are good answers to these questions. I'm working through that whole forgiveness stuff- pretty hard- especially when the person involved isn't sorry, and has created a completely false version of the events that took place to benefit himself. But that isn't really what it's about. It isn't fair that the truth isn't out there, but that's okay. Forgiveness is about freedom. Forgiveness isn't something that requires a response from the person who did the wrong-- usually there isn't a response. Forgiveness is not forgetting, or minimizing or excusing. It's accepting.

It's hard to do. Every step of the way I get new hurdles, new bad behavior, new reasons to be mad etc. It's really really hard. I'm not going to ever really get a sense of remorse or regret or a heartfelt apology. It isn't there. I'm not going to get the answers I've needed. There's no desire to bring peace or closure on his part, so I find my own peace- it's hard.

 I have taken on a whole lot of difficult challenges in my life, and this one is the hardest. The story changes, the excuses, the meanness, the hostility etc. It's all very very difficult.  It's also the saddest. But sadness is only a feeling and it's not the only feeling I have. I do feel very very fortunate.

 It's most important to forgive those who least deserve it. There are people who have forgiven for far worse things so I can do this. It is something that will make me free and I am working through that. This posting is more preaching to myself more than anything else because I'm not doing such a good job at the whole anger, accepting, moving on, forgiving stuff. I feel today like I have taken several steps backward and I don't like it.

When I was in France it all seemed really easy- I felt removed from a lot of the hard stuff. I was doing one of my bucket list things and I felt pretty much at peace and ok that the bad stuff happened and it was behind me. But when I got back to my real life it kindof slapped me back in the face and the forgiving part and the sadness part got really really hard again.  All the stuff that happened came back like its fresh- the thing that's most upsetting is the cowardly behavior and the continual and changing lies. It's very very difficult. I try and remind myself that people with problems behave this way. But it's my heart that was hurt here. and It's the continual unkind, uncaring attitude that stupidly I expose myself to.

I need to forgive and let go. It's tough. I'm not doing so well at it. I did not use the word "should" our "ought" because I don't believe in those words. They crush the spirit. My spirit feels pretty crushed today. I'm doing some pretty amazing creative stuff too- things are going really well with my job, my kids are healthy and happy. I have a great home. These are all good things. Time to get back to creating.



1. What am I happiest about in my life right now?
2. What am I excited about in my life right now?
3. What am I most proud of in my life right now?
4. What am I most grateful for? (i realize the "for" should go at the beginning of this but i wanted the consistency)
5.  What am I enjoying?
6. What am I commited to?
7. Who or what do I love and who loves me?

How to Be Happy

1. be grateful for the family and friends who are true to you
2  recognize that you are strong, even when challenged or betrayed
3. work toward something that is challenging and exciting
4. look around and appreciate that which is beautiful
5. forgive, even when forgiveness does not feel like it is deserved

What a Challenge.

It occurred to me and was also suggested by a reader that I'm communicating that everything is fine and that I'm moving forward really successfully and that all is well.
Things are well. I'm fortunate and I remind myself of that all the time. Sometimes, I mean frequently, I feel like I've made no progress at all. In terms of moving forward, I'm doing my best, but it's not always a steady path forward. Sometimes there are roadblocks, sometimes I turn around and go back a bit, sometimes I'm standing still and looking back at something that has closed. I think all that is normal and I've decided not to beat myself up about it.

In early 2014 I was dealt an unexpected blow and my vision of who someone was became shattered. In reaction I tried to find all the pieces and push it back together, I sorted and sorted through all the pieces to try and make sense of things and in anger I stomped my feet and tried to crush the pieces.

During 2014 at times it was hard to get past that first 30 seconds when you wake up and it just seems like a new day. Then the glaze of grief hangs over you. I've had ample opportunities to get some pretty good perspective on things. It's easy to count my blessings and they are plentiful, but there is still that broken heart... and I don't know how long it will take to completely mend or if it ever will. I do know by experience and fruitless efforts that you can't get around grief, you have to get through it.

It's really, really hard to let go of something that mattered so much. I wish there were a switch or some sort of medical procedure that would help, but there isn't. And the reality is, my love was really true and strong and that's why it's hard to let go. This strong glue in my heart really holds.

So here I am, it's been a year and four months. I remember way back in 2014 when I was counting days. I stopped doing that. There are no scratches on the walls here marking how long I've been imprisoned in sadness. I didn't have to force myself, it just happened. So that was progress. I am truly grateful for any progress.

I've climbed mountains, rushed down rivers, taken off in the skies, captured the world with all my new lenses and I still have this grief, but I'm trekking along on this road called life. It's really, really hard to say goodbye. It's really, really hard to let something go, but it's what has to be and unfortunately it's not a quick process. I suppose I'm telling myself this over and over. Some days I think I'm doing pretty well at it and sometimes not so well. I guess I've been putting on this brave front on this blog. I am brave, but not always so strong. That's ok, I think it's alright not to be strong at times.

So you came into my life as I continued on this path called life
 and it was really wonderful to have you by my side for a time.
It took away some fear, I felt loved,  and safe, and happy.
It seemed that I would know exactly what would be on the horizon.
 As it turns out, we never really know what lies ahead,
but we still walk on this road called life.
Sometimes it’s bumpy, and rainy, and steep and cold.
Sometimes it's lovely
 and things are green and warm and colorful.
But the road continues,
and what lies ahead is the path to acceptance.

I've been getting into the whole video thing. Here's a video of me with my kids and my family at the beach in 2010. It was really touching to go through old video and put this together and it was also sad to leave out my ex-husband. He looked really happy in the videos and pictures, but he's searching for a new happiness now.

FIVE FAVORITE THINGS:
1. That I got up after that first 30 seconds when the weight of grief came back
2. That I will continue to get up
3. Smaller jeans today, tucked into riding boots
4. Tulips I brought back from Holland that are now peeking up
5. Not beating myself up and being okay that I'm still very sad.

The Onion Snow!

Today is the first day of Spring and it is snowing. My mother calls it "the Onion Snow."  I guess this means its time to plant the onions (i don't plant onions fyi)

Things have been very busy at work and on the home front, but I'm doing my best to plow through and keep on task as much as possible.

Today I woke up feeling pretty fortunate. I've had some opportunity to get some pretty good perspective on things. I can't say I'm not sad. Yes I am sad at times, but I'm also pretty darn lucky. On a very high point, I fixed my outdoor lamp-post myself. Yay!!

I've got a big swollen eye (i think an infection of some sort) so I'm not looking my best, but it's just temporary.

This coffee I'm drinking right now is pretty good. I feel ok.

Five Favorite Things:
1. having the opportunity to see things from a new perspective
2. that today is Friday
3. that opportunity lies ahead
4. that I'm gettin on gettin on
5. ok, just gotta be thankful again for this great cup of Joe!

Happy First Day of Spring! (the bikes will be out this weekend!)

A Guest Column from Jack

Below is a guest column from my 11 year old son. (pictured below)

So when you're feeling sad, things might not be the best. This can happen for many different reasons, but their are some mistakes that happen that you or someone you know might be making while fighting sadness.

Today I'm going to tell you what I think works to solve this problem. The first thing to do is, find out what you're sad about. This will help us understand what you have. To do this, imagine what ever caused your sadness, never happened. See what you would still have even if the cause of your problem never existed. You'll find values that make you, you. Now, when ever you do for some reason think of the cause, don't act hostile to it. It's like scratching a rash. The
more you scratch, the more itchy your rash will be. Don't scratch, and the itchiness will degrade. The same goes with your sadness, keep on thinking and talking about it, it'll bother you more. Don't, and it will get less affective. And my last final point is to get help if you need it. Now I know, you may not want to get some help, but you may have too. So, with all these things to keep in mind, all you need to do, is forget about your sadness. You might have problems on the first steps, But after that, you'll feel like it never happened! And remember, life has many opportunities, don't waste time thinking about the past, move forward.

(Jack's) Five Favorite Things:
1. Sherman (our bulldog)
2. Going to church today
3. Sleeping in my bed
4. Playing with the cat
5. Arizona sweet tea

Some Airport Thoughts

Sitting in the airport waiting to go home. Last year at this time,  I got knocked out at this very airport when a sign smacked into my head.-- nice concussion recovery thereafter (not fun)

Today, luckily I have no concussion, but I am feeling a bit sad. It's an ok sad, but it's sad. I googled how to mend a broken heart when I woke up this morning. I've actually googled that several times over the past year and there really isn't any advice other than- just get through it and don't try to get around it. So, right now, I'm in it I guess. I look forward to getting through it.

A good friend told me that a fast recovery, or very little recovery time would not really be a good sign-- It's normal to be sad. I've gotten all the answers and pretty much uncovered as much as I need to and while that process was necessary for me, the discovery was not so fun. Finding out the truth about people is necessary but it can be heart breaking. Everyone tells you when you go through things like this that it's all preparation for something better (or worse).

Well, I'm looking forward to getting home to see my kiddos and the doggy and the lazy cat and the demanding guinea pigs. I hope to put the brush to the canvas a bit and i will just keep carrying this broken heart until I don't have to.

Five Favorite Things:
1. free internet at the airport
2. just being here by myself after a busy week
3. getting through the past year and enjoying it.
4. extinguishing that hope stuff.
5. getting home.

A Humorous Bit of Irony

I have always found that the folks who post or share sayings on their facebook pages about loyalty, the importance of love etc, being kind to people, valuing family etc, are the ones who least follow that advice or understand it.

just sayin

Five Favorite things
1.that the people in my life are true to their words
2. that art is alive
3. that hotel room coffee sometimes does the trick
4. that this week is almost over (very busy)
5. a good early morning swim!

Ugh, Another Ice Storm. Here's Wishing for Spring

Five Favorite Things:
1. A good spin class
2. Coffee with a good friend
3. Finishing up things for my art show
4. Finishing up things for my job
5. Tasty Chili with two silly boys

Ready for Spring

This has been a cold and dreary winter. I know things have been worse up in Boston etc, but it's been plenty wintery here for my liking. I like those strange mild winters when we can enjoy our patio at night with the firepit and sweatshirts etc.  Everything is covered in snow and ice right now. I feel like I haven't been outside enough.

I have a few paintings I need to finish up (some of which have not been started) for my art show-- My paintings go up monday. Yikes! nothing like last minute.

I'm feeling okay. Some pretty bad headaches as of late, but I do what I can. I think moving away from the anger stuff has helped quite a bit. I hope I stay on this course.

Five Favorite Things:
1. cold filtered water
2. this strong cup of joe
3. that today is Friday
4. how this painting I started last night looks so far
5. a lazy dog and a chubby cat and two messy boys

A Change of Focus

It occurred to me, and to many this was probably something very obvious, but I'm spending too much energy on the wrong stuff. I've been spending the last 14 months trying to make someone who hurt me and my children feel just as bad as he made us feel, and frankly it's not likely to happen and/or I would never know how that person would feel. Most importantly, it's a bad way to spend my energy. I have a lot of things going on, most good, and that's what I will focus on.

I will accept that things happened, I could not have predicted it, but I know now a lot more about a person than I did as recently as a year ago. And this is someone I spent several years with. I will let him sort out his own demons, or not. I'm going to just really focus on moving on.

I read an interesting article today about passive aggressive men, and the final line in the article stated that in order to be in a successful relationship with a passive aggressive one must a: have really good mind-reading skills and b: have very low expectations.  That pretty much sums things up very wisely. I was trying to navigate something that just isn't possible to navigate. So we let it go.

Five Favorite Things:
1. a working car
2. a cozy house
3. 2 lovely boys
4. no candy consumed today
5. feeling less mad

Seeing the Ugly Truth

It's good to see who someone really is, but it sure does hurt. The things I have seen and heard and how I have been treated are so different than the experience I was having just a couple of years ago. It was all such a different life. But there was some pretty dark stuff I didn't see.  I didn't know all that ugliness was inside, it's not on the inside now. It's on the outside. People look different when they are turned inside out. It's not a good look.

I am a widow of a person who never really existed as I thought he did. I did spend some time looking for that person, but he doesn't exist. My distorted view certainly gave me happiness for a few years, that happiness was real for me, but it was built on sand. The face I see now is the true face. It's always better to see the truth, even if it's ugly.

What I see makes me want to stop searching, and that feels like a relief in a way.There is nothing to search for, nothing worth hanging onto. Just a big ball of unkindness. I think when guilt eats at someone a whole lot of toxic stuff is brought out. It's good to be away from it.

I wonder what it's like to think so poorly of oneself?

I'm glad I can be happy with the person I see every morning in the mirror. That's important stuff. And it doesn't happen on it's own. It comes through hard work and taking the right path not the easy path.

Five Favorite things:
1. that most people are very kind
2. that I am away from that toxic stuff
3. that i can learn how not to be
4. that honesty always prevails
5. that I had another day and it all worked out pretty well.

Oy! What a Day

It was a pretty complicated day today and all that could have gone wrong, went wrong. Through some quick thinking and a bit of perseverance I managed to get to the places I needed to go and finish the things I needed to finish.

Tomorrow I will find out that my car probably needs thousands of dollars in repair. I'm not thinking about it. Right now, I'm thinking about my son's band concert. He's been looking forward to it. It's a big deal and the highlight of what has been a pretty challenging day.

five favorite things
1. managing things
2. knowing that there are great people in the world who outshine the bad guys
3. putting a magazine to bed
4. Not completely falling on my ass today in RCP
5. Not letting the bad guys knock me down. I'm way too strong for that.

Really Look at Things When You Can

I shot this photo in August 2012. We were spending time out in Western Pennsylvania and out of the corner of my eye I saw a field of sunflowers (the top photo of this blog), but I also came across this field. I am no expert photographer, I think things just came together in this perfection. The sun was beginning to set and it had that honey glow that makes everything perfect.

Ben and Jack and I often talk about that field and that moment. I'm glad we took the time to see it. Things like that touch your soul. One day, when I'm older and perhaps can't see things as well with my eyes, I will still see this.

Five Favorite THings:
1. choking down nasty juice of kale, carrots, ginger and apples
2. this great cup of coffee
3. that I can rest a bit this morning
4. that the snow has stopped
5. this warm bulldog keeping my feet toasty

Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich could not have made a better point than this. It is always amazing when you share this concept with women who have behaved. I envy the caution and precision of those folks who concentrate on good behavior, but I also feel for me that would have been energy poorly spent. If one's energy is directed toward repressing rather than expressing, is that time well spent?




I've been spending a lot of time over the past 14 months examining how I react to things. It truly takes a  difficult test to drive us to make such thorough examinations. I found some things about myself that needed work, but I also found some things I really liked about myself. To be sure, I haven't always fit in and I know this is because I am not such a great conformist. In younger years, this made me feel sad and a bit of an outsider at times. Now, well, I guess I embrace the fact that I don't conform so well. I think it's cool not to "behave" the way we are supposed to as women in this culture. I'm sorry today's post is a bit rambling, but I guess my point is- fXck being well-behaved!

Five Favorite Things:
1. A big pot of black beans n rice, slow-cooked to perfection
2. A day off
3. Big fat fluffy snow flakes.
4. A nice conversation with a really talented and creative photographer
5. Brunch tomorrow.

What's Next on the Horizon?

Lots of great roads ahead!

Five favorite things:
1. having a best friend for 41 years
2. sinking well into 2015
3. no tears today
4. a good parking spot
5. a good parking spot

I AM A WRITER

Been carrying this around for 35 Years now

I've been carrying this in my wallet since 1981. I want to say I truly understand this and believe in it. It's a good thing to think about, but it's probably an ideal, just another ghost to mourn.

Five Favorite Things:
1. having a cozy home
2. having a good job
3. strong coffee
4. not falling on my icy driveway
5. marching forward, albeit with a broken heart.

2015-

(Pt. Loma, Calif. Dec. 2014)

Yes, I know I'm a bit late to the gate here but I just wanted to say that I'm so grateful for 2015. Last year was full of challenges, but when I look back it was also full of adventures and great memories. Distance provides a really good perspective on things.

The beginning of last year began with an abrupt and unexpected change in my life. It took me some time to come to grips with that and frankly it's still a work in progress, but I can tell you that time truly does heal. If I were to do a side-by-side comparing how I feel now to how I felt then, there would be a very big difference. Yes, I'm sad and hugely heartbroken over some terrible choices that were made that impacted me and my two sons, but I'm also all the wiser. I learned things I needed to learn.

I'm sitting here looking at this beautiful picture of Idaho in my office that was taken last summer on my big adventure and I would not have had that experience had it not been for the life-changing, albeit hurtful, experiences that took place at the beginning of the year. (Above is a picture I shot in San Diego in December.) I've spent a good deal of time behind the lens and I hope to continue to do so. No one wants to be betrayed or cheated on and then blamed for things. That isn't fun. I spent a good amount of time trying to find justice or common sense of that and there just isn't. So I'm working on accepting that there are people who make really bad choices without caring or considering the consequence and it's not likely there will be remorse or that apology for which I kept hoping. Sadly, it's an empty life that lies ahead for someone like that and for that reason it is best to feel sorry for them. That's how I feel now.

 (I shot this picture a week ago. One morning while preparing for work, this lovely guy was perched in my apple tree.)

So here is 2015. So far it's been good and there are prospects for even more good to come or be built.

Five Favorite Things
1. that we are not having a blizzard
2. that time has been my friend
3. that an open outlook is a good thing
4. that an uncertain future holds promise
5. that time really does heal quite a bit.

New Chapter

Sometimes it is so hard to move forward. Believe me, I feel like I've been walking through quicksand for the past nine months. I've been told this is not a very long period of time in terms of recovering from a major change in my life, but it feels like forever to me. Even so, I can't speed up the recovery process. Grief has its own schedule. What I can do is look forward, focus on building good things in my life and strengthening that which is already in my life and not being hard on myself.

I've been angry, sad, numb, happy, scared, tired, sleepless etc  over the past several months and given the circumstances, much of this was with an emotional dial fixed on the highest setting. It's been really challenging. I can honestly say that I have learned a great deal over the past several months. Sometimes I have been stubborn and in denial too. I've learned not only much about life and people and expectations, but I've learned a lot about myself. Hardships can also bring about good things. I can't say I'd like to sign up for hardship, but if hardship comes the best thing is to learn and build from it. Believe me, it's a work in progress.

Anyway, as trite as it sounds: Life does indeed go on. The goal is to make the next steps be steps that build. Sometimes bad steps will be taken. Ultimately, I can still have a smile on my face and yes, I still will have many more tears to shed. Either way, there is a path ahead.

Five Favorite Things:
1. That six years is only a small portion of 50 years
2. My upcoming trip
3. Getting some projects done at work
4. Having healthy, happy boys in my life
5. Doing my best to move forward

Time to Get Away from This