I find myself in this new place. It is a melting pot of feelings and it does not feel like that stable barge of grief I've been floating on for the past two years. It feels more like a thin, sleek kayak that is low in the water and rocks around a bit with every little move or even the slightest wisp of wind. Almost Always I am behind the lens, not in front of it. It is a safe place for me to capture the world. It's less scary that way and it feels less vulnerable. I think being vulnerable is okay, even with all the risks.
This is vulnerable, but it is also full of joy and hope and a few other things. I remind myself that feelings are not a destination, they are feelings. What truly is a destination is something that is continuous, joyful at times, difficult at times, safe at times and even uncertain at times.
I don't exactly know how you go from point A to point B. I thought I would have figured out by now the formula for having control over that sort of thing. But what I think I've figured out is that I am not sure if even trying to do so with absolute determination is really a worthwhile effort.
Five Favorite Things
1. being brave
2. being in front of the lens sometimes
3. sunlight filtering through the woods
4. an office with a door
5. kayaking (way more fun that being on a barge)
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