Kicked my BUTT!

This was taken at Mile 30. I thought the open field was pretty

Dexter The Bike Bulldog Would Not Pose for Me

 

I took this at Mile 17 on my ride. One of the very few flat parts of the ride

The picture doesn't do justice. It was this cool 200 yr old tree

One of Maryland's Few Remaining Covered Bridges

So apparently Cecil County Maryland is not flat. I climbed over 2,000 feet on this ride. almost 36 miles. It was a hard one so early in the season. I met some friendly cyclists, most of whom were from Delaware- they said they come here for the hills. (funny that I signed up for this 50K ride b/c I thought it would be flat)

It was a beautiful ride. Bicentennial Farms, old stone-houses dating before the revolutionary war. Big open fields, cows that look at you curiously, horse farms, old tractors, clean air. All in all, a very good day but I'm beat and I'm going to take a nap now.

Five Favorite Things
1. that I am sometimes quite determined about things
2. the homeade ice cream I ate after that grueling ride
3. that I finished
4. that I did not stop at the Indian Buffet (even though i had blinkers on, blinkers off- toying with the idea)
5. this comfy bed

Dealing with what I have

So yesterday I received some pretty bad news about my knee. It's shot- eventually I will need a replacement, I have advanced osteoarthritis, the meniscus is spent etc. I was hoping there would be some very solvable problem, but that is not the case. My doctor will not perform a knee replacement on me because I am too young and too active. I need to figure out how to navigate with this bum knee.
I gave myself a bit of "woe is me" time and then decided to have an action plan, much of which is already in place. This is my life. I have a bad knee- I know people with worse situations. So I'm going to continue the weight loss. I think getting at the bottom range of my recommended weight will help and reduce as much stress as possible on the knee. Secondly I'm going to push through it. I can't run or do high impact sports but I can cycle and swim and lift weights. So that's what I'm going to do.

On another more personal note, I've been thinking about taking more control of the things I want. I've been doing a bit of waiting around and I'm not going to do that anymore. It's making me feel bad about myself.

five favorite things
1. that I am the kind of person who comes up with an action plan
2. that I will manage all of this
3. that i'm here and not where I was a few months ago
4. that I will learn to take better care of myself
5. greek yogurt.

Bad Knee, But Still Riding (hopefully)

Sorry It's been a while since I've posted. I had a great weekend. Perfect weather- I managed to get in 50 miles on Saturday and on Sunday I shot some great photos of some of my racing friends (I will post them once I get permission to do so). My knee is killing me. It's awful. I can't sleep. It hurts to walk, like something is tearing etc. -- this is all because a couple of weeks ago I had the grand idea of wearing high heels. Today I am getting another MRI and then I will find out if I have a torn meniscus-- if so it is likely I will need surgery, which will indeed put riding on hold for a month or so- VERY DISAPPOINTED.

Anyway. I'm doing my best to keep my spirits up. I will turn to swimming for a while.

Five Favorite Things
1. that the boxes of peeps are all gone
2. that my kiddos are back in town
3. my improvement with using photoshop
4. that I finished a painting (kindof) for my art show
5. that the sun is shining today and my apple tree is blooming

Big Bad Sore Knee

I wore heels on Wednesday and now my knee is swollen and very sore. I'm keeping it cool today b/c i have a couple of good rides planned for the weekend. I'm really disappointed about my knee.

On the sadness front, well yes, it's still there. I'm working on it. I have started work to grow my women's cycling group- only a few members so far but I'm confident it will grow into something big and fun.

Five Favorite Things
1. getting back on the wagon
2. hoping my knee will be better
3. no more snow
4. a cold glass of water
5. that today is Friday

Missing

It's been dreary and cold all day. It's an early spring rain, which we need I suppose, but it darkens my heart a bit. I'm grateful I had a busy weekend. I enjoyed laughing with a friend while sitting on the curb outside an ice cream shop, that felt nice to laugh. For a few moments, that feeling in my heart went a way.

Today I wonder how many miles I'll have to power on my bike, or how many mountains I will have to climb or how much wind I need blowing in my face hard before I stop feeling so sad? I just so badly miss being loved and I don't think people understand how hard that is. I'm living with it but it's sad. I spend time wondering if people can tell how sad I am. Often times I'll survey a room full of people to see if any of them are sad or if they can tell I'm hiding this broken heart. I manage to keep it together pretty well at work and then I get in my car to go home and I usually burst into tears for about half the way home and then I pull it together.

I don't know really why I'm telling the world this. I'm really trying to be strong. I guess I'm tired of keeping it all inside. I know I'll be okay. I think I'm going to have to cycle this pain away somehow. It hurts like hell to cycle up mountains but it makes me think less about how much everything else hurts, so I do it. The plus side to all of this is I am cycling away a bunch of inches too. I'm shrinking in this new life I'm figuring out I guess. A life without being loved and smaller pants. kindof funny.

One thing is for sure. I miss being loved.

Five Favorite Things

1. this big old favorite sweatshirt I'm wearing (it fits like a dress now but It's warm and comfy and I've been enjoying it for a couple of decades)
2. that my laundry was all done last night
3. having a good recovery day after a crazy cycling weekend
4. drakes coffee cakes
5. that I don't have to come up with a #5 if I don't want to.

Rainy and Monday

Wow,

I feel a bit tired after such a busy weekend. I haven't had such a busy weekend in a very long time, but it was all good stuff.-- Lots of miles on the bike, some boat time, some friend time, some photo taking time. It was all good.

It's rainy today and dreary but at least it isn't snowing. I can deal with a spring rain. My britches are too big. I'm running out of clothes.  As you can see faintly in this selfie I just took I have a bit of windburn on my face from being outside all weekend. It's kindof a sad/happy look. I'm getting there.

Five Favorite Things:
1. that I was able to get another 5 weeks of physical therapy-
2. that all my laundry is done
3. that I see the kiddos tonight
4. this cup of decaf I'm enjoying
5. feeling rested after an active weekend.

Some Landmarks

It has been 63 days since I stopped counting down when my husband left me. Today is the first day I stopped to think about how long it has been. It has been 82 days since he has left. It has been 100 days since I've eaten any meat and here I am.

I had a killer ride today on the Baltimore and Annapolis trail- then quickly back home- (after Indian food) to drive out to the Sharpsburg area to shoot pictures with my friend. Here are some of my photos. I have not edited any of these.

Today driving back home I had good music on the stereo in the car and I was feeling happy and for a moment I looked over to grab my husband's hand- it's something I always did instinctively when I was happy and we were in the car. And, of course, the seat was empty next to me, and I recalled that over the past few months we were together there wasn't a whole lot of hand holding going on. Made me sad, but not bursting into tears sad, which is how I might have felt 62 days ago, or for that matter. So I feel like I'm moving forward. Sometimes it feels like a really slow crawl. It's hard to be sad all the time, but there are a lot of great things out there and I'll just do what I can.

Five Favorite Things
1. a great ride to start off the day
2. a great afternoon with an old friend
3. laughing over ice cream
4. being okay
5. Day 83

Just Keep on Pedaling

I had an activity-filled day yesterday and that was a good thing. The weather was beautiful and it felt good to spend some time in the saddle and out in the sun. I'm headed out again briefly- a ride on the BWI trail from baltimore to annapolis and back and then quickly heading back home to shower and clean up to drive out to Frederick to shoot pictures with an old friend of mine.

What keeps haunting me is that I'm not loved and that I never was. It felt safe and happy to be loved and now it seems that was just something I imagined. I keep reminding myself of this. I went out and got coffee this morning and I was looking at all the other people in the restaurant wondering how many of them were not loved. Probably more than expected. So I'm one of those people walking around not loved I suppose. It's sad but It's liveable.

Anyway, it's a sunny day. I'm feeling okay-ish on the health front, and I'm going to get some time in the saddle. I need to figure out how I move ahead with my life. I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job but it's pretty darn sad at times and I never really envisioned myself being one of those sad types, so I keep it inside. Well I do  tell all of you here (which I suppose is the opposite of keeping it inside). Anyway, I welcome your comments. I'm going to just keep on pedaling I suppose.

Five Favorite things:
1. a bulldog keeping my feet warm
2. another fabulous sunny day
3. really good coffee (decaf of course)
4. More than 100 days and not having eaten anything with a heart or a face (total veg!)
5. that I'm toughing this out (I don't have a choice) but I am doing it.