Some Landmarks

It has been 63 days since I stopped counting down when my husband left me. Today is the first day I stopped to think about how long it has been. It has been 82 days since he has left. It has been 100 days since I've eaten any meat and here I am.

I had a killer ride today on the Baltimore and Annapolis trail- then quickly back home- (after Indian food) to drive out to the Sharpsburg area to shoot pictures with my friend. Here are some of my photos. I have not edited any of these.

Today driving back home I had good music on the stereo in the car and I was feeling happy and for a moment I looked over to grab my husband's hand- it's something I always did instinctively when I was happy and we were in the car. And, of course, the seat was empty next to me, and I recalled that over the past few months we were together there wasn't a whole lot of hand holding going on. Made me sad, but not bursting into tears sad, which is how I might have felt 62 days ago, or for that matter. So I feel like I'm moving forward. Sometimes it feels like a really slow crawl. It's hard to be sad all the time, but there are a lot of great things out there and I'll just do what I can.

Five Favorite Things
1. a great ride to start off the day
2. a great afternoon with an old friend
3. laughing over ice cream
4. being okay
5. Day 83

Just Keep on Pedaling

I had an activity-filled day yesterday and that was a good thing. The weather was beautiful and it felt good to spend some time in the saddle and out in the sun. I'm headed out again briefly- a ride on the BWI trail from baltimore to annapolis and back and then quickly heading back home to shower and clean up to drive out to Frederick to shoot pictures with an old friend of mine.

What keeps haunting me is that I'm not loved and that I never was. It felt safe and happy to be loved and now it seems that was just something I imagined. I keep reminding myself of this. I went out and got coffee this morning and I was looking at all the other people in the restaurant wondering how many of them were not loved. Probably more than expected. So I'm one of those people walking around not loved I suppose. It's sad but It's liveable.

Anyway, it's a sunny day. I'm feeling okay-ish on the health front, and I'm going to get some time in the saddle. I need to figure out how I move ahead with my life. I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job but it's pretty darn sad at times and I never really envisioned myself being one of those sad types, so I keep it inside. Well I do  tell all of you here (which I suppose is the opposite of keeping it inside). Anyway, I welcome your comments. I'm going to just keep on pedaling I suppose.

Five Favorite things:
1. a bulldog keeping my feet warm
2. another fabulous sunny day
3. really good coffee (decaf of course)
4. More than 100 days and not having eaten anything with a heart or a face (total veg!)
5. that I'm toughing this out (I don't have a choice) but I am doing it.

A Very Good Day

It was a really blustery day and the marina was empty

That is Gibson Island out there

Another shot of Gibson Island (from the other side of the tracks!)

1971 Grampion (30 Ft and Needs a Lot of Work)

I loved the clouds, you can see how windy it is

Today was a crazy busy day. Alarm went off at 6:00 am- up and out for a ride in Baltimore. Then on my way back, I felt inclined to get in another short ride- So I added Sligo Creek Parkway to the mix. Mileage today was 36-
Then a quick lunch in Bethesda and then off to the Annapolis area for some time with a sailboat (pictured above). This is Sillary Bay, which is right across from Gibson Island. I nearly froze my ass off and it was REALLY windy today, so I did not take too many pics for fear of going overboard or dropping my camera. Tomorrow 40 mile ride planned from Baltimore to Annapolis and back and then in the afternoon- shooting photos with one my old friends from high school out in Frederick County.

Five Favorite Things
1. thawing out after some really cold boat time
2. getting in to rides in one day (16+ for the first ride and 18+ for the second)
3. having another great ride to look forward to
4. getting a little warmer as I write this
5. sunny windy days to help a sad heart.

A ride in Baltimore

It is a little brisk out but I expect to warm up a bit as we get rolling. It's a beautiful day today after some dreary rain. I like checking out all these other early risers. 

Five favorite things

1 a good night sleep

2 meeting some new folks in the cycling community

3 finishing off a busy workweek 

4 a good cup of decaf

5 friends

Stuck in a Meeting

I'm stuck in a meeting all day. Hot topics being discussed include- treatment of embedded volumetric optionality, de minimis thresholds for special entities and other very exciting things. It's nice out and a perfect day for riding. I plan to get home as soon as I can today to ride. very important. It will have to be a short ride b/c I have some other things I have to do. :+( 

Five Favorite Things:
1. coffee, even if it's decaf- very needed
2. eating a bunch of pumpkin seeds
3. no more snow
4. feeling rested
5. riding later today

Feeling a Bit Banged Up

Okay, so I did make it out for a ride yesterday and I did also manage to experience a little wipeout. My rim got caught in between boards on the boardwalk bridge thing on the trail and instinctively I held on to the bike, rather than getting flipped away from it- to protect the bike from damage. So I have a little bit of a bump to the head, a bruised elbow and bruised right leg. I will be fine, but it reminds me of my racing days. Always a little ouch.

Five Favorite Things
1. that the half day meeting I was in is over
2. a really amazing lunch today- kale, sesame seeds, sundried tomatoes and quinoa- yum
3. that a friendly woman at work has been giving me free fruit all week
4. tix to a fun play on Friday night with a good friend
5. that the pants i'm wearing today are too big (could not even button them in 2013)

A little Back-Pedaling Today

Today it is sunny and warm and I plan to get out and ride again at lunch on my bike, but I woke up sad and a bit tired. I keep waiting for this grief stuff to subside, but it doesn't seem to be happening and I feel a bit alienated. I think my friends and family are sick of it, so I don't talk about it much any more. (just discuss with the hired help so to speak) It's been several months and I know I should be seeing some progress right?  When will it get better and go away completely?

Five Favorite Things
1. this new jacket i'm wearing
2. that it's sunny outside
3. don't know
4. ""
5.""

I will snap a picture or two from my ride and post later.

Getting Out for Lunchtime Ride

Brought the Kestrel girl to work with me. I'm going to get out and ride into Old Town Alexandria today and back- I used to do this years ago but things got busy and I got lazy. I'm still very busy, but I'm making the time. It is important. I need the sunshine too after a really hard winter.

I'm feeling a bit distant from my past. That makes me feel sad a bit, but it also makes me feel better b/c I can function and I can move forward. I'm still processing some anger stuff but It's getting there and I have a right to be mad. Some bad stuff happened. I am not going to forget it. I will forgive, but I'm not going to forget. My forgiving is going to come when it comes and it's not something I need to do or worry about right now.

Five Favorite Things
1. having an open mind
2. being okay with the crisis management stuff
3. that it is sunny outside
4. that things are moving along
5. being at this point in time, already weathering the worst part of the storm.

Rain Rain Rain Rain

It's really raining hard outside. I did brave the rain yesterday for a brief ride but it is raining too hard today. Disappointed.

It was an interesting weekend- still happening clearly. Saw a great movie yesterday: Grand Budapest Hotel. I highly recommend it.

Five Favorite Things:
1. warm covers
2. a snuggly bulldog
3. feeling less sad each day
4. being okay with a bit of uncertainty
5. not missing the past quite as much

Lining Up the Season

I signed up for two metric rides in April-- a little ambitious. http://www.cecillandtrust.org/ Cycle for Cecil- which is a charity ride to fund the Cecil County Land Trust-- (i basically picked it b/c it is fairly flat) this is on Saturday April 26. Then -- (b/c i am insane) I signed up for this: the Draw For Life Poker Ride on April 27- which is in Kent County (again flat) http://chestertownlions.org/DFSonline%20registration_2014.pdf. It will be a biking weekend.

My plans are to get in as many rides as possible.

I'm feeling Okay today. I had a good night's sleep again!!! Love that I can sleep now. I'm drinking a decaf cup of Joe right now. I figured out how to fix my coffee maker on my own-- independence is a good thing.

Anyway, I've had some learning experiences. I can't say I'm completely educated but certainly a work in progress. Now it's time to stop putting important things on the back burner. All my work goes up this friday- gotta figure out how to get it there on my own. I will. I can do a lot of things on my own and be okay with that. It's only been a few months, but I'm feeling more and more myself and I'm happy about that. and also sad. I miss that I loved someone but that's okay.

Five Favorite Things
1. owning the day (first up at 4:45 and okay with that)
2. that little black dresses are little black dresses
3. that I can look back and have a better understanding of why certain things happen
4. that the third weekend in April will be packed with cycling- something I love to do
5. that the REI clothes I bought look great.

In the Full Swing

Wow, I've been so distracted by things. A week after a bad concussion and it's hard to get focused on what matters. My art goes up this Friday! I'm not even done with any of my new pieces.

I'm going to hustle and finish this big landscape tonight!

I did not get up in time to swim today. I'm going to take a break. Maybe do spin at lunch but I might just take a recovery day today and be cool. There is snow on the ground -- again. This has been a really snowy winter and frankly, its spring. The snow needs to stop.

Five Favorite Things
1. this comfy bed
2. another great night of sleep
3. a really good opportunity with this art show
4. not being so sad
5. the end of some things and the start of new things