I Often Wonder

Things are going pretty well for me. I will admit, after a couple of difficult years behind me it's nice that I don't have any bad stuff around me. I often wonder if there are any regrets on the part of my ex-husband for the bad choices he made, but as I lie here right now and listen to E's breathing, I don't really care if the ex has any regrets. It's really his life to live which ever way he chooses. A couple of years ago I was told by many there would be a day when I'd feel like this. I'm glad it's here.



I shot this photo in HDR (high dynamic range) when E and I were taking a hike back in October. Now the leaves are all off of the trees and it's cold. But here we are. He's sleeping right now as I write this. I am sitting here trying to imagine what I would have been doing on a cold November night back in 2013. This was during the time that things were falling apart in my marriage, but I was blind to it. I didn't know the full story and I was cut out from things, despite my attempts to want to resolve things. It was a really hard time. Being cut out is really hurtful. I never thought I'd be one of those cuckolded types, but I was. It's because I trusted him and loved him. During that time, I didn't sleep at all and I knew something was terribly wrong but I didn't know the full scope of things. As it turns out, a whole lot of lying and mean stuff was going on right in my home and I was unaware. I can say now the reason why I was unaware is because I loved my ex husband. I never would have imagined he could be the person who did the things he did. That's the hard part. It's hard for me to accept that, I imagine it's much harder for him to live with himself and he's exploring the concept of dating people, I can only imagine what storyline he has- unfortunately it's probably very far from the truth. Once you go down a bad path like that it's hard to turn it around. Looking back at it now, it looks so horrible. I'm glad I've never treated anyone that way. If he has any moral compass, he has to live with that.

So here I am, I look younger, happier and healthier. I still am reminded of the bad stuff once in a while b/c it's a pretty deep wound, but I am no longer living in it. I have a nice man here, great kids who pulled through all the bad stuff (no children should have to go through that) All of this came about because my ex husband needed some gratification-- and he found it from some seriously sleazy low hanging fruit. (gross and extremely ugly). A few months of gratification at the expense of others. That kindof choice is never one that pays out.

I don't have to deal with that- I get to take great pictures. I get to be in some strong arms- (no lies, no gross stuff) and I get to heal. As I write this, I do feel very fortunate, but I will admit I'd like to punch the crap out of my ex husband's squishy friends who encouraged him to lie and didn't help him. as for the sleazy low hanging fruit, well, best to let that be. Gross is gross. enough said.

I'm tired, but wide awake right now. I'm going through some pictures. Usually it's pictures of marching bands, or Capitol hill hearings, etc. But I'm going through the few pictures I have of myself. (im usually behind the lens). I've actually gotten younger looking since the ex left- strange isnt it?
here's a headshot from early 2014

This one was taken a few weeks ago. I'm not a fan of headshots, but I think it's very different from my old one.

This was taken about a month ago. I was a happy girl, driving into work. Knowing that I am truly loved. It's nice to be loved by someone who really means it.

Five Favorite Things
1. E's breathing
2. that it's 2015 and not the sad days of November 2013 when I didn't know what was going on.
3. taking pictures and getting pretty good at it (big shoot this week)
4. being warm right now as I write this. (E smells good)
5. that time heals.

P.S. I know I won't ever get that apology or sense of remorse. I won't ever get answers to questions I have. I don't think there are answers when people make choices like the ex made and if there are answers, they are not ones that will make me understand things. I won't ever really know why my ex took the hurtful turn he did. It's really been hard to accept that I will never have that clarity. I'm not sure that getting a close loser look at some bad shit is really all that beneficial anyway (in theory I know this at least) These were choices made by someone who chose to be dishonest and unfaithful to the people who loved him. I don't get the sense it's paid off for him, but that is not my problem. All I see is a ghost of a person with no real life to speak of, just some shitty bad actions to live with.