Back on the Swells

It was rainy and dreary today on my way into work and to add to it, I was listening to sad music. Sometimes I feel like I'm addicted to this grief stuff. After a fun Thanksgiving weekend, I'm feeling a bit melancholy-- not because the weekend is over, but because I just am. I have a lot of things to be happy about, but my old friend sadness always hangs out too. Today sadness is getting center stage. Today I am feeling the loss of my partner. I lost him a while ago or maybe never had him. These are things I will not ever learn, but to me I really miss him.

I have not been great at the forgiving part, but a lot of that stems from not having the full picture. However, many say the full picture would not make me feel more at peace. I think that's true, but I accept that I will not ever know. I sure wish I could shake this grief stuff, but then again I also don't want to forget the things that mattered to me. They mattered to me. I can say that. I've been pretty under the weather, not sure this time I can shake it. In fact I know I won't be able to. So it goes.

Five Favorite Things
1. having enough $1 in my wallet to have the kids buy lunch today
2. big black boots
3. having a job
4. diving into video editing at work
5. a few years ago

P.S. I shot this picture over the Thanksgiving weekend. I got a little fancy with it. It was super over-exposed and when I went in to fix the exposure, I decided to play around with it a bit.

It Happens Every Day, But...

I shot this a few minutes ago, just before the sun actually came up. Stunning.

Everyday the sun comes up. Pretty normal stuff. But when you get the chance to actually see it happening, well, that's pretty special. I woke up and saw a few diehard surfers out there. What an experience for them in that cold November Atlantic. The waves are big today with long breaks. Perfect for East coast surfing.

We've had a nice Thanksgiving here. I've been battling some sort of flu thing, but generally I feel much better today and even with that I still got out on the bike with my two guys. It's great fun to ride with them. I'm happy we can all do this together. We've got a good little family. As I write this, Jack is eating up a plate of leftover Thanksgiving food. (Pretty good breakfast eh?) This will likely be the last year we do this beach Thanksgiving thing, but it sure is a special thing. With change comes new traditions. With each day the sun rises. Pretty hopeful.

Five Favorite Things
1. seeing the most spectacular sky
2. diehard surfers
3. little boys excited to see the sun rise
4. getting up that mountain even more
5. this cup of joe.

The Sun Also Rises

I caught this sunrise today. The sun rises every day indeed, but when you can stop and appreciate it, you realize how special and important it is.

Today, I will focus on the things and people for which I am thankful. I am thankful for Ben and Jack. They are growing into two great young men. I am thankful for my family-- you can be a pain - but you are mine. I am grateful for my friends, you have helped me at times and I can only hope that I can return that aid to you.

I'm thankful for my cameras. I'm thankful I know how to use them. I'm thankful and I get to use them for fun and also for work- both are a joy. I'm thankful for long bike rides on Thanksgiving morning. (this time I was joined by by Ben and Jack)
I am thankful for good coffee, good vision, good feet and good strength.

Five Favorite Things:
1. spinning wheels for about 10 miles with Ben and Jack today
2. clean, wide open beaches
3. sunny days and blue skies and unseasonably warm weather for Thanksgiving day
4. having dinner later
5. being happy

My Main Mode of Transport

I assembled this beauty in the 1970s when I was probably 15. I used it all through high school and college and I've managed to keep my kids from ruining it. As it turns out it's somewhat collectible so I'm likely to part ways with it for a few $$$.

I do have some good memories. I miss those days of skating. I'm taking it with me to the beach for one last little thing. I'm going to be careful though b/c I'm not at all at the same skillset. I remember for hours when I was in boarding school skateboarding on Chapman Drive and around the circle in front of Hopkins Hall. It was a good thing to go. I wish my kids were more into this sort of thing rather than losing themselves in computer games. This is the culprit for a few broken bones however. I snuck this to church b/c there was a really steep hill I went down. (crack, broken wrist)

I remember losing all the skin on my legs too- (note to self, if board is going faster than you, don't jump off b/c you will experience some serious road burn)

Five Favorite Things
1. good coffee
2. packing for the beach
3. my cameras
4. working from home
5. sunny days

Feeling a Bit Nostalgic

I remember the day I shot this picture. These two guys were fighting just minutes before I snapped this. It was about four years ago and we were getting pizza at our favorite place at the beach, all four of us. I felt so happy, like everything was perfect. That was a good feeling then, but it was not lasting. It feels better to remember that stuff, even if there is a little sharp edge of sadness with it.

The good news is three of us four are happy and together and we have had a lot of adventures and we plan to have many more. We are headed for the beach in a couple of days. It will be nice to get away and get my thoughts together, maybe shoot some photos and just enjoy some time looking out at the sea.

I've got pies baking in the oven right now and there will be more to come.

Five favorite things

1. thinking about that happy time and not having it hurt too much
2. good crisp apples
3. being a better person
4. having a heart
5. mending this heart.

I Often Wonder

Things are going pretty well for me. I will admit, after a couple of difficult years behind me it's nice that I don't have any bad stuff around me. I often wonder if there are any regrets on the part of my ex-husband for the bad choices he made, but as I lie here right now and listen to E's breathing, I don't really care if the ex has any regrets. It's really his life to live which ever way he chooses. A couple of years ago I was told by many there would be a day when I'd feel like this. I'm glad it's here.



I shot this photo in HDR (high dynamic range) when E and I were taking a hike back in October. Now the leaves are all off of the trees and it's cold. But here we are. He's sleeping right now as I write this. I am sitting here trying to imagine what I would have been doing on a cold November night back in 2013. This was during the time that things were falling apart in my marriage, but I was blind to it. I didn't know the full story and I was cut out from things, despite my attempts to want to resolve things. It was a really hard time. Being cut out is really hurtful. I never thought I'd be one of those cuckolded types, but I was. It's because I trusted him and loved him. During that time, I didn't sleep at all and I knew something was terribly wrong but I didn't know the full scope of things. As it turns out, a whole lot of lying and mean stuff was going on right in my home and I was unaware. I can say now the reason why I was unaware is because I loved my ex husband. I never would have imagined he could be the person who did the things he did. That's the hard part. It's hard for me to accept that, I imagine it's much harder for him to live with himself and he's exploring the concept of dating people, I can only imagine what storyline he has- unfortunately it's probably very far from the truth. Once you go down a bad path like that it's hard to turn it around. Looking back at it now, it looks so horrible. I'm glad I've never treated anyone that way. If he has any moral compass, he has to live with that.

So here I am, I look younger, happier and healthier. I still am reminded of the bad stuff once in a while b/c it's a pretty deep wound, but I am no longer living in it. I have a nice man here, great kids who pulled through all the bad stuff (no children should have to go through that) All of this came about because my ex husband needed some gratification-- and he found it from some seriously sleazy low hanging fruit. (gross and extremely ugly). A few months of gratification at the expense of others. That kindof choice is never one that pays out.

I don't have to deal with that- I get to take great pictures. I get to be in some strong arms- (no lies, no gross stuff) and I get to heal. As I write this, I do feel very fortunate, but I will admit I'd like to punch the crap out of my ex husband's squishy friends who encouraged him to lie and didn't help him. as for the sleazy low hanging fruit, well, best to let that be. Gross is gross. enough said.

I'm tired, but wide awake right now. I'm going through some pictures. Usually it's pictures of marching bands, or Capitol hill hearings, etc. But I'm going through the few pictures I have of myself. (im usually behind the lens). I've actually gotten younger looking since the ex left- strange isnt it?
here's a headshot from early 2014

This one was taken a few weeks ago. I'm not a fan of headshots, but I think it's very different from my old one.

This was taken about a month ago. I was a happy girl, driving into work. Knowing that I am truly loved. It's nice to be loved by someone who really means it.

Five Favorite Things
1. E's breathing
2. that it's 2015 and not the sad days of November 2013 when I didn't know what was going on.
3. taking pictures and getting pretty good at it (big shoot this week)
4. being warm right now as I write this. (E smells good)
5. that time heals.

P.S. I know I won't ever get that apology or sense of remorse. I won't ever get answers to questions I have. I don't think there are answers when people make choices like the ex made and if there are answers, they are not ones that will make me understand things. I won't ever really know why my ex took the hurtful turn he did. It's really been hard to accept that I will never have that clarity. I'm not sure that getting a close loser look at some bad shit is really all that beneficial anyway (in theory I know this at least) These were choices made by someone who chose to be dishonest and unfaithful to the people who loved him. I don't get the sense it's paid off for him, but that is not my problem. All I see is a ghost of a person with no real life to speak of, just some shitty bad actions to live with.

A Brisk November Walk

I had a pretty bad panic attack today on the metro. I actually had to get off and calm myself down a bit. It was super crowded and I don't usually ride it for several reasons. These panic attacks are something new for me. I had my first attack in early 2014, shortly after the trauma of my husband leaving abruptly. It feels like I can't breathe. It's pretty awful stuff. My heart races, I feel disoriented and the entire time I'm trying to talk myself out of having an attack and my advice just makes it worse.

Fortunately, I've not had many attacks. It's new stuff to me. Never had anything like this prior to early 2014. To be sure, it doesn't really seem fair to have some sort of condition as a result of bad choices (terrible choices) someone else made. The good thing is, I'm fine. And I do have faith that over time these panic attacks will be a thing of the past. They are strange. I never understood why people had them. Now I know.

Anyway, my man came over tonight. I was supposed to be on business travel this week but that changed and it's nice to have him here. We took a nice walk to get dinner. For all the bad stuff in the world, there are kind wonderful people. Very calming evening and such a stark difference from the metro ride.


Five Favorite Things:
1. not being on the metro
2. a good brisk walk to get dinner
3. that i'm not going to be the recipient of bad stuff from the ex
4. this man right next to me
5. this man

Where's That Girl?

I took a quick peek at some of my posts back in early 2014. Boy was I really trying to be brave and strong. I feel sad that I was so sad, but also proud that I was strong enough to be grateful for the good things in my life, my kids, my family, my friends and that I was setting out to heal in a good way.

I can't say the healing process has been all that smooth and it certainly has not been a straight path. I spend a lot of time missing my former partner and being mad at him and myself. It's a different kind of sadness. I can breath ok for example and I'm also pretty happy at times but I still have this grief stuff and it seems that when things don't go so well in my current life or when there is bump in the road a whole lot of things get triggered about my past life.

I shot this picture over the weekend. I can at least say that I think it's a beautiful photo. I'm still learning the photography thing. I've spent probably way too much money on equipment and now it's time to settle in and really focus on getting better at using it. I miss spending time behind the glass for no reason other than just wanting to.

It's also time to really focus on those goals I set nearly two years ago. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Perhaps if I took a broader look, I would see that I am indeed slowly making progress on those goals. I remind myself all the time that happiness is a feeling not a destination. That sucks. But it's the reality. So what triggers happiness and what triggers other feelings?

I don't like dark curtains that keep out the light (easily fixed) and I don't feel great about myself when I backslide. (work in progress)

This morning I wanted to wake up to a warm text message asking how I am and that didn't happen. So I'm asking myself how I am. I'm ok. Kinda sad, but ok.

Five Favorite Things:
1. that the office is closing early
2. that I'm writing
3. that I'm sad but still ok
4. this beautiful picture, (seeing it in person was even better and I'm glad I take the time to soak things in)
5. mending this heart.