Ready for Spring

This has been a cold and dreary winter. I know things have been worse up in Boston etc, but it's been plenty wintery here for my liking. I like those strange mild winters when we can enjoy our patio at night with the firepit and sweatshirts etc.  Everything is covered in snow and ice right now. I feel like I haven't been outside enough.

I have a few paintings I need to finish up (some of which have not been started) for my art show-- My paintings go up monday. Yikes! nothing like last minute.

I'm feeling okay. Some pretty bad headaches as of late, but I do what I can. I think moving away from the anger stuff has helped quite a bit. I hope I stay on this course.

Five Favorite Things:
1. cold filtered water
2. this strong cup of joe
3. that today is Friday
4. how this painting I started last night looks so far
5. a lazy dog and a chubby cat and two messy boys

A Change of Focus

It occurred to me, and to many this was probably something very obvious, but I'm spending too much energy on the wrong stuff. I've been spending the last 14 months trying to make someone who hurt me and my children feel just as bad as he made us feel, and frankly it's not likely to happen and/or I would never know how that person would feel. Most importantly, it's a bad way to spend my energy. I have a lot of things going on, most good, and that's what I will focus on.

I will accept that things happened, I could not have predicted it, but I know now a lot more about a person than I did as recently as a year ago. And this is someone I spent several years with. I will let him sort out his own demons, or not. I'm going to just really focus on moving on.

I read an interesting article today about passive aggressive men, and the final line in the article stated that in order to be in a successful relationship with a passive aggressive one must a: have really good mind-reading skills and b: have very low expectations.  That pretty much sums things up very wisely. I was trying to navigate something that just isn't possible to navigate. So we let it go.

Five Favorite Things:
1. a working car
2. a cozy house
3. 2 lovely boys
4. no candy consumed today
5. feeling less mad

Seeing the Ugly Truth

It's good to see who someone really is, but it sure does hurt. The things I have seen and heard and how I have been treated are so different than the experience I was having just a couple of years ago. It was all such a different life. But there was some pretty dark stuff I didn't see.  I didn't know all that ugliness was inside, it's not on the inside now. It's on the outside. People look different when they are turned inside out. It's not a good look.

I am a widow of a person who never really existed as I thought he did. I did spend some time looking for that person, but he doesn't exist. My distorted view certainly gave me happiness for a few years, that happiness was real for me, but it was built on sand. The face I see now is the true face. It's always better to see the truth, even if it's ugly.

What I see makes me want to stop searching, and that feels like a relief in a way.There is nothing to search for, nothing worth hanging onto. Just a big ball of unkindness. I think when guilt eats at someone a whole lot of toxic stuff is brought out. It's good to be away from it.

I wonder what it's like to think so poorly of oneself?

I'm glad I can be happy with the person I see every morning in the mirror. That's important stuff. And it doesn't happen on it's own. It comes through hard work and taking the right path not the easy path.

Five Favorite things:
1. that most people are very kind
2. that I am away from that toxic stuff
3. that i can learn how not to be
4. that honesty always prevails
5. that I had another day and it all worked out pretty well.

Oy! What a Day

It was a pretty complicated day today and all that could have gone wrong, went wrong. Through some quick thinking and a bit of perseverance I managed to get to the places I needed to go and finish the things I needed to finish.

Tomorrow I will find out that my car probably needs thousands of dollars in repair. I'm not thinking about it. Right now, I'm thinking about my son's band concert. He's been looking forward to it. It's a big deal and the highlight of what has been a pretty challenging day.

five favorite things
1. managing things
2. knowing that there are great people in the world who outshine the bad guys
3. putting a magazine to bed
4. Not completely falling on my ass today in RCP
5. Not letting the bad guys knock me down. I'm way too strong for that.

Really Look at Things When You Can

I shot this photo in August 2012. We were spending time out in Western Pennsylvania and out of the corner of my eye I saw a field of sunflowers (the top photo of this blog), but I also came across this field. I am no expert photographer, I think things just came together in this perfection. The sun was beginning to set and it had that honey glow that makes everything perfect.

Ben and Jack and I often talk about that field and that moment. I'm glad we took the time to see it. Things like that touch your soul. One day, when I'm older and perhaps can't see things as well with my eyes, I will still see this.

Five Favorite THings:
1. choking down nasty juice of kale, carrots, ginger and apples
2. this great cup of coffee
3. that I can rest a bit this morning
4. that the snow has stopped
5. this warm bulldog keeping my feet toasty

Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich could not have made a better point than this. It is always amazing when you share this concept with women who have behaved. I envy the caution and precision of those folks who concentrate on good behavior, but I also feel for me that would have been energy poorly spent. If one's energy is directed toward repressing rather than expressing, is that time well spent?




I've been spending a lot of time over the past 14 months examining how I react to things. It truly takes a  difficult test to drive us to make such thorough examinations. I found some things about myself that needed work, but I also found some things I really liked about myself. To be sure, I haven't always fit in and I know this is because I am not such a great conformist. In younger years, this made me feel sad and a bit of an outsider at times. Now, well, I guess I embrace the fact that I don't conform so well. I think it's cool not to "behave" the way we are supposed to as women in this culture. I'm sorry today's post is a bit rambling, but I guess my point is- fXck being well-behaved!

Five Favorite Things:
1. A big pot of black beans n rice, slow-cooked to perfection
2. A day off
3. Big fat fluffy snow flakes.
4. A nice conversation with a really talented and creative photographer
5. Brunch tomorrow.

What's Next on the Horizon?

Lots of great roads ahead!

Five favorite things:
1. having a best friend for 41 years
2. sinking well into 2015
3. no tears today
4. a good parking spot
5. a good parking spot

I AM A WRITER

Been carrying this around for 35 Years now

I've been carrying this in my wallet since 1981. I want to say I truly understand this and believe in it. It's a good thing to think about, but it's probably an ideal, just another ghost to mourn.

Five Favorite Things:
1. having a cozy home
2. having a good job
3. strong coffee
4. not falling on my icy driveway
5. marching forward, albeit with a broken heart.