Just a few more pictures

KEEP ON KEEPING ON

This is us. We are doing just fine, Silly Jack, my thoughtful Benjamin, deaf little Scotty who's been with us for so many years and well, me- a self portrait that highlights probably more wrinkles than I'd like to admit I have- I didn't do photoshop with that because I am who I am.

I woke up this morning after more sleep than I've had in days and I am still very sad but I'm a believer in "the glass is half full" approach. So here's a really good memory.

About five weeks ago I took out Red Beauty One for a ride. It was a strangely warm day but well past the peak of fall. There is this parkway I ride, it's not a hard ride and it's more a thing just to make me happy rather than work out. The sky was this sapphire blue and the sun was so very bright. As I streamed through the air on the road leaves were falling everywhere, golden, brown, red, yellow, orange.It was this shower of color and I was in it and it was so quiet. All could hear was the wind and my breath.

We have the ability to store memories. Some are good and some not so good. I think it's important to focus on the good stuff, like the first time you lay eyes on your newborn child, or the clanking of masts of empty sail boats docked at Sand Street Beach first thing in the morning. I remember those moments so clearly.

This fall I drove out to the end of Long Island. I hadn't been since I graduated from high school. I got gravely sick but that is another story and I am better now. But on my way home I stopped off at all the places I went to when I was a teenager and the things that were so important to me hadn't changed. It is nice that some things stay the same.

It is nice that some things change too. I guess it's a balancing out. Well, I'm going to go downstairs and try and eat something- It will be the first time since Monday. Wish me luck today.

FIVE FAVORITE THINGS
1. being ok
2. a strong will
3. sleep
4. things and people that matter
5. accepting what matters and leaving behind what doesnt'

ANOTHER DAY. THIS IS GOOD

I managed to get in a few hours of sleep last night, so I feel a little stronger. I remember when I was pregnant, I was so sick the entire time and first thing in the morning for maybe 30 seconds I would not feel sick and it was strange and then it would kick back in again.

I felt that way this morning. I woke up at about 4 am (better than last night). And for a few seconds I felt ok and then my heart started hurting again. I know I will feel better soon. I always do.

I need to take some time and reflect and figure out how I can take care of myself better.

So here is the deal, I will get up, I will put my strongest foot forward and I will take small steps if I have to. Strength comes, I know this.



FIVE FAVORITE THINGS:
1.having gotten at least a few hours of sleep
2.getting a better perspective
3.realizing that the goodness in people isn’t the stuff full of vibrato but the quiet kindness
4.learning that actions speak louder than words.
5.this comfortable room with all my paintings and bikes

This Girl's Got Bike!

Wow, How do I even begin to explain why I have not posted here in so long. All I can say is it’s been an interesting year. I’ve had some ups and downs over the past several months and I am learning that a road full of bumps is a normal thing- that’s why we have shock absorbers.

Well, here I am and this feels right now like one of the most difficult days in my life, much of what I brought on myself. I didn’t sleep at all last night. I really wanted to and my alarm clock kept staring back at me, so I finally tossed it under my bed. (didn’t need the mean reminder)

I bought a new bike. I can’t afford it and one could certainly argue that I don’t need it, but I am keeping it. I’ve named her Azul. She is a deep sapphire blue like the desert sky or the water that you see when you look down over La Jolla Cove in San Diego. So Azul is the name- it came to me this morning.

Speaking of which, I did something this morning I haven’t taken the time to do in months, it was dark and I quietly went down to the kitchen at 5 am and looked out the window. It’s cloudy out so I couldn’t see any stars but the day was so new and a gift to me. I used to do this ritual every morning, sometimes I would feel lonely, but I always felt hopeful. Today I felt hopeful. Love is this thing that feels wonderful but it also feels like it can kill you at times. I just have not found the balance here. But I do have this new day and I’ll have another one tomorrow and thereafter.

So my new Azul, she is a tough Cannondale cyclocross and she will be dependable and safe enough for me to commute to work. I didn’t ride her in today because I didn’t have any sleep, but when I am stronger I will ride her in and it will put a smile on this face.

I don’t have lost hope and I don’t want readers to think this. Quite the opposite. I am just writing to say I’m having a tough time right now, my heart is a bit heavy but I have many wonderful things in my life, and friends and good family- so things will be better.

FIVE FAVORITE THINGS
1. brand new days
2. really really trying to be strong- it’s so hard but it’s worth the effort
3. the kind people in this world who so often get overlooked
4. angst- (it makes me lose weight)
5. being able to get through things, abeit 15 minutes at a time.

ENJOY LIFE! FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR THE BAD CHOICES YOU MAKE AND KEEP TRAVELING THIS ROAD CALLED LIFE. A FLAT ROAD WITH NO TURNS OR BUMPS IS NOT A CHALLENGE.