Before the Lens

I find myself in this new place. It is a melting pot of feelings and it does not feel like that stable barge of grief I've been floating on for the past two years. It feels more like a thin, sleek kayak that is low in the water and rocks around a bit with every little move or even the slightest wisp of wind.

Almost Always I am behind the lens, not in front of it. It is a safe place for me to capture the world. It's less scary that way and it feels less vulnerable. I think being vulnerable is okay, even with all the risks.

This is vulnerable, but it is also full of joy and hope and a few other things. I remind myself that feelings are not a destination, they are feelings. What truly is a destination is something that is continuous, joyful at times, difficult at times, safe at times and even uncertain at times.

I don't exactly know how you go from point A to point B. I thought I would have figured out by now the formula for having control over that sort of thing. But what I think I've figured out is that I am not sure if even trying to do so with absolute determination is really a worthwhile effort.

Five Favorite Things
1. being brave
2. being in front of the lens sometimes
3. sunlight filtering through the woods
4. an office with a door
5. kayaking (way more fun that being on a barge)

The Refugee Returns

I actually feel pretty happy. I have to pinch myself a bit. I'm still carrying a bit of grief with me, but I feel happy. Who would have known? I've been experiencing some kindness over the past few weeks that's growing into something really nice. It feels strange, like I'm having my first big meal on home soil after being away as a refugee for so long.

A year ago I would not be in this place. I'm not even sure where this place is, or what direction the path will lead, but so far so good. New things help you say goodbye to old things. And they give you hope. To be sure, they don't erase the old things, but they help you put that old stuff in the right place so your path isn't blocked.

Heading Out to Ohio

For the past few days, I've been operating on just a few hours of sleep. It's all by choice. It's great to explore and learn new things about people. I'm having fun in the process.
We are packing up to head out to Ohio today. It will be a long drive, bikes in tow- but I'm looking forward to getting away for a bit. (and then hurrying back :+))

For those of you who know me, this whole emoticon thing is not my thing, but I've been an emoticon person for the past couple of weeks. What does this mean? I have a full plate of things that lie ahead, but I'm pretty happy about all of it. (although I'm a bit sick of painting cows).

There's not much more that I can say at this point. New adventures!

Five favorite things:
1. being tired for a good reason
2. this really good cup of joe I'm drinking
3. having some really fun film projects/challenges on my plate
4. that we were able to get that complicated bike rack thing attached to the trailer hitch
5. acceptance, that it's here?