ERDCO

Spent a great weekend in Louisville, hence the photo for this posting. It was really hot there, but we had a great time- good food, good drink, happy people. I toured four different distilleries, which was fun as well- although the process is pretty similar so only one extensive tour is really needed.

Why the title ERDCO? Well, given that I live in the land of acronyms here in Washington, D.C. I decided to memorialize a lifestyle theme- something to remember. I'll admit- I am not always able to remember these. The main theme here is that you don't find happiness from others, you find it from within. I'me now getting pretty far away from a relationship that turned out to be very toxic and hurtful. I'm relieved to say that I'm the one who is able to look myself in the mirror. I'm relieved its almost three years past. It's a better place. That's not to say the bad stuff doesn't sting anymore. It does, but I'm not in it anymore.

Ok, back to the important stuff. E.R.D.C.O.
Exercise-- move those bones. get outdoors
Rest - take care of yourself. get sleep. get down time
Diet - enjoy yourself, don't beat yourself up about the fattening foods but try and eat stuff that makes you feel better
Creativity-- Learn new skills, paint things, produce good videos, write, design a great garden, whatever it might be
Organization- Get things in order. get rid of the old. Having an orderly life is less stressful.

I thought about designing a logo to put on t-shirts or whatever to remind myself- so ridiculous I know- but the process would have been practicing the C- part in the acronym. just sayin.

Five Favorite Things:
1. a window with a view for a change
2. a long weekend ahead
3. having a plan?
4. a fat cat sleeping next to me
5. not being sad the same way I was a few years ago. (still sad though)

Retiring a Flag

I came in last evening and witnessed my soon-to-be Eagle Scout son meticulously cutting away stripes from a worn flag. It seemed like such a tedious process as he carefully removed every stripe and then rolled each of those faded red and white strips carefully into a row.

It seems strange to put so much effort into something easily replaced. The stripes are removed carefully, but the blue square with all the stars stays in one piece. All of the flag's parts are then burned in a solemn procedure only conducted by authorized types, such as scouts. Why must some parts be removed?

Taking apart some of the flag, but leaving some of it whole seems puzzling to me, but on the other hand it also makes a bit of sense. You say goodbye to something and that means certain parts are not a part of it anymore and it becomes just one small important piece. I guess that's how my heart feels at times. It is inevitable that one must say goodbye to people, places, times and phases of our lives. What remains is a smaller, but core piece. It's better to do all that with honor, but it's not always easy and unfortunately it doesn't always happen that way.

I haven't written here in a while because I've been busy and I just wanted to process things a bit differently. I'm still carrying around a heavy heart, but it's also one that has joy in it too and it feels like that acceptance stuff is getting close.

Five Favorite Things:
1. rushing water after a rain storm on my drive this morning
2. a quiet place to work
3. that I still remembered how to tag a photo so words will wrap around it
4. strong coffee
5. a sense of accomplishment

Snow, Snow, Snow

I've been in this house now for five straight days. We had more than two feet of snow. At first it was pretty cozy working inside, but I'm getting a little stir crazy now. Also the shoveling was a huge deal. Holden Caufield (pictured here) has been a great companion and I've also had some great conversations with friends and family. Everyone is safe, so that's the main thing. I'm still dealing with grief, but it is different now. It isn't keeping me from being happy, if that makes sense.

I have had my fill of snow. .


I've been doing a great deal of work in video editing. Frankly I love the solice for that. It's a perfect scenario. I start another course in a couple of weeks, so I will then be trained in all of the major video editing software tools used in the industry. Yay-- who would have thought. Also been working on this giant painting. The cables are hard to paint but I'm slowly progressing. I have more bridge paintings planned. Excited. Painting makes me happy. I'm lucky to have it as a side interest.

Anyway, I haven't turned into a crazy person. Although I feel like I look like it now. I won't display a picture of how I look today. I've been wearing the same t-shirt for two days and I have on faded pajama pants. but hey- this is my home office uniform.

Goals for 2016. Finish my second film,
Set dates for filming next project
finish my series of "structures" paintings for upcoming art show
be more organized
continue losing weight (a little challenging this weekend)
cut out carbs
move forward and appreciate the silver linings (even the bad stuff has silver linings)

There is joy to be found in anything. Sometimes its a skill that's hard to maintain. I will keep trying. I am very blessed with two beautiful boys, a great job, wonderful life-long friends, a loving family and lots and lots of great projects on my plate. I've enjoyed this cozy house this weekend in the snow and I generally have good health. These are all priceless.

Five Favorite Things.
1. A plowed streets (finally!)
2. Truly wishing for a happy birthday for people (only good wishes even though they are not nice)
3. the ability to learn
4. having power
5. being ok.

This is Joy!

Cold January Evening: To Paint a Bridge

It was a cold weekend. I was warm at times, but it is super cold. I am pondering a lot of things going on in my life and wondering why I have a beautiful film I've not finished editing. Today I worked a bit on this. I have a good deal more to do but it's fun in the process.

Five Favorite Things:
1. dark chocolate ice cream
2. painting again
3. being ok
4. things that are like big baguettes (:+)
5. long restful weekends

The Last Big Push!

I'm actually glad I took a little bit of time to shoot some pretty pictures yesterday. It was a lot of running round, Costco, firewood, groceries etc. Loading/unloading. E was with me, so I had great company. I must say, taking just a little glance back a few years, I'm certainly in a better spot. I have gained perspective on things.

It's much nicer to be with someone who is happy and wants to be engaged in life. I didn't realize how much that was weighing me and my family down. It took some unfortunate choices that actually ended up being a better scenario for me. You don't see these things when you are in a situation. Enough of that. Today, you get eye candy. These are HDR photos (high dynamic range) They each are essentially three photos in one. I shot these at a nursery in Beltsville that has been operating by the same family since the 1940s. (perhaps another film project??)

Anyhow, I've been writing this blog now for a decade. A lot sure has happened over that time. Much of it was exciting, scary, sad but all-in-all it's been a good thing. And here I am. So what lies ahead is hopeful and also uncertain. I wish everyone a happy holiday season. Please enjoy these pictures.

Five Favorite Things:
1. A good camera
2. A good look back
3. Being in a healthier/happier place (it was at times pretty challenging to get here)
4. being at peace with permanent goodbyes
5. a life that has joy

A Cold December Saturday Morning

It's the last Saturday before Christmas. Am I ready? no. I'm not stressed out however. I'm actually enjoying having no agenda today, just being here with E. (He's working, but ever so calmly)

It's been a good year. Lots of new adventures, lots of new experiences, lots of repeat experiences that are beloved traditions. And lots of hope on the horizon.

It's important to accept the hard stuff. It isn't always so easy to do, but it's a good goal. I must admit I am not one for New Year's resolutions, but it occurred to me that this would be an important one-- to find happiness in the simple things. The picture in this posting is something I shot a few days ago with my phone. I see these beautiful things all the time. Sometimes it's as simple as the way the sun hits a very ordinary thing.

Five Favorite Things:
1. accepting that I am not someone who can effectively operate a serger sewing machine
2. that my attic has enough room to fit all the fleece fabric that will not be made into blankets
3. Really Good coffee
4. E, being here
5. Having a plan.

Feeling Good

Had a pretty nice evening after a fun weekend. All the good stuff in life is right here and the worst of the bad stuff is behind me. I made a decision to completely cut off from my ex husband. His presence in my life in any form is not something that is beneficial. It's taken me two years to come to this. I feel pretty okay about it. If feels natural and frankly kindof refreshing. What I want to keep in my life is certain memories I had. I don't think much about my relationship with him because I don't really know what was real and what wasn't -- it's very hard to safely navigate a relationship with someone who chooses to habitually hide the truth.

We've all survived. In fact, we've all prospered. This was meant to be. It feels good, like going through the vegetable drawer and cleaning out the produce that has gone bad- if you keep it in the drawer it will ruin all the other stuff.

Five Favorite Things
1. cleaning out the rotten tomato
2. E
3. this cup of coffee
4. the fog out my window
5. being ok

All By Myself

Today is my birthday. I am now enjoying the latter side of 50. How will I celebrate? Well, I'm going to change the cabin air filter in my car all by myself. I will do a video of this process as proof that I can actually do this sort of thing.

I'm tired today. I did not sleep well and I have a spate of work piling up. (challenging stuff, but a lot of it)

Anyway, so far it's a good day. Sunny and positive.

Five Favorite Things
1. amazon prime
2. my friends
3. how-to youtube videos
4. my little office
5. time

Back on the Swells

It was rainy and dreary today on my way into work and to add to it, I was listening to sad music. Sometimes I feel like I'm addicted to this grief stuff. After a fun Thanksgiving weekend, I'm feeling a bit melancholy-- not because the weekend is over, but because I just am. I have a lot of things to be happy about, but my old friend sadness always hangs out too. Today sadness is getting center stage. Today I am feeling the loss of my partner. I lost him a while ago or maybe never had him. These are things I will not ever learn, but to me I really miss him.

I have not been great at the forgiving part, but a lot of that stems from not having the full picture. However, many say the full picture would not make me feel more at peace. I think that's true, but I accept that I will not ever know. I sure wish I could shake this grief stuff, but then again I also don't want to forget the things that mattered to me. They mattered to me. I can say that. I've been pretty under the weather, not sure this time I can shake it. In fact I know I won't be able to. So it goes.

Five Favorite Things
1. having enough $1 in my wallet to have the kids buy lunch today
2. big black boots
3. having a job
4. diving into video editing at work
5. a few years ago

P.S. I shot this picture over the Thanksgiving weekend. I got a little fancy with it. It was super over-exposed and when I went in to fix the exposure, I decided to play around with it a bit.

It Happens Every Day, But...

I shot this a few minutes ago, just before the sun actually came up. Stunning.

Everyday the sun comes up. Pretty normal stuff. But when you get the chance to actually see it happening, well, that's pretty special. I woke up and saw a few diehard surfers out there. What an experience for them in that cold November Atlantic. The waves are big today with long breaks. Perfect for East coast surfing.

We've had a nice Thanksgiving here. I've been battling some sort of flu thing, but generally I feel much better today and even with that I still got out on the bike with my two guys. It's great fun to ride with them. I'm happy we can all do this together. We've got a good little family. As I write this, Jack is eating up a plate of leftover Thanksgiving food. (Pretty good breakfast eh?) This will likely be the last year we do this beach Thanksgiving thing, but it sure is a special thing. With change comes new traditions. With each day the sun rises. Pretty hopeful.

Five Favorite Things
1. seeing the most spectacular sky
2. diehard surfers
3. little boys excited to see the sun rise
4. getting up that mountain even more
5. this cup of joe.

The Sun Also Rises

I caught this sunrise today. The sun rises every day indeed, but when you can stop and appreciate it, you realize how special and important it is.

Today, I will focus on the things and people for which I am thankful. I am thankful for Ben and Jack. They are growing into two great young men. I am thankful for my family-- you can be a pain - but you are mine. I am grateful for my friends, you have helped me at times and I can only hope that I can return that aid to you.

I'm thankful for my cameras. I'm thankful I know how to use them. I'm thankful and I get to use them for fun and also for work- both are a joy. I'm thankful for long bike rides on Thanksgiving morning. (this time I was joined by by Ben and Jack)
I am thankful for good coffee, good vision, good feet and good strength.

Five Favorite Things:
1. spinning wheels for about 10 miles with Ben and Jack today
2. clean, wide open beaches
3. sunny days and blue skies and unseasonably warm weather for Thanksgiving day
4. having dinner later
5. being happy

My Main Mode of Transport

I assembled this beauty in the 1970s when I was probably 15. I used it all through high school and college and I've managed to keep my kids from ruining it. As it turns out it's somewhat collectible so I'm likely to part ways with it for a few $$$.

I do have some good memories. I miss those days of skating. I'm taking it with me to the beach for one last little thing. I'm going to be careful though b/c I'm not at all at the same skillset. I remember for hours when I was in boarding school skateboarding on Chapman Drive and around the circle in front of Hopkins Hall. It was a good thing to go. I wish my kids were more into this sort of thing rather than losing themselves in computer games. This is the culprit for a few broken bones however. I snuck this to church b/c there was a really steep hill I went down. (crack, broken wrist)

I remember losing all the skin on my legs too- (note to self, if board is going faster than you, don't jump off b/c you will experience some serious road burn)

Five Favorite Things
1. good coffee
2. packing for the beach
3. my cameras
4. working from home
5. sunny days

Feeling a Bit Nostalgic

I remember the day I shot this picture. These two guys were fighting just minutes before I snapped this. It was about four years ago and we were getting pizza at our favorite place at the beach, all four of us. I felt so happy, like everything was perfect. That was a good feeling then, but it was not lasting. It feels better to remember that stuff, even if there is a little sharp edge of sadness with it.

The good news is three of us four are happy and together and we have had a lot of adventures and we plan to have many more. We are headed for the beach in a couple of days. It will be nice to get away and get my thoughts together, maybe shoot some photos and just enjoy some time looking out at the sea.

I've got pies baking in the oven right now and there will be more to come.

Five favorite things

1. thinking about that happy time and not having it hurt too much
2. good crisp apples
3. being a better person
4. having a heart
5. mending this heart.

I Often Wonder

Things are going pretty well for me. I will admit, after a couple of difficult years behind me it's nice that I don't have any bad stuff around me. I often wonder if there are any regrets on the part of my ex-husband for the bad choices he made, but as I lie here right now and listen to E's breathing, I don't really care if the ex has any regrets. It's really his life to live which ever way he chooses. A couple of years ago I was told by many there would be a day when I'd feel like this. I'm glad it's here.



I shot this photo in HDR (high dynamic range) when E and I were taking a hike back in October. Now the leaves are all off of the trees and it's cold. But here we are. He's sleeping right now as I write this. I am sitting here trying to imagine what I would have been doing on a cold November night back in 2013. This was during the time that things were falling apart in my marriage, but I was blind to it. I didn't know the full story and I was cut out from things, despite my attempts to want to resolve things. It was a really hard time. Being cut out is really hurtful. I never thought I'd be one of those cuckolded types, but I was. It's because I trusted him and loved him. During that time, I didn't sleep at all and I knew something was terribly wrong but I didn't know the full scope of things. As it turns out, a whole lot of lying and mean stuff was going on right in my home and I was unaware. I can say now the reason why I was unaware is because I loved my ex husband. I never would have imagined he could be the person who did the things he did. That's the hard part. It's hard for me to accept that, I imagine it's much harder for him to live with himself and he's exploring the concept of dating people, I can only imagine what storyline he has- unfortunately it's probably very far from the truth. Once you go down a bad path like that it's hard to turn it around. Looking back at it now, it looks so horrible. I'm glad I've never treated anyone that way. If he has any moral compass, he has to live with that.

So here I am, I look younger, happier and healthier. I still am reminded of the bad stuff once in a while b/c it's a pretty deep wound, but I am no longer living in it. I have a nice man here, great kids who pulled through all the bad stuff (no children should have to go through that) All of this came about because my ex husband needed some gratification-- and he found it from some seriously sleazy low hanging fruit. (gross and extremely ugly). A few months of gratification at the expense of others. That kindof choice is never one that pays out.

I don't have to deal with that- I get to take great pictures. I get to be in some strong arms- (no lies, no gross stuff) and I get to heal. As I write this, I do feel very fortunate, but I will admit I'd like to punch the crap out of my ex husband's squishy friends who encouraged him to lie and didn't help him. as for the sleazy low hanging fruit, well, best to let that be. Gross is gross. enough said.

I'm tired, but wide awake right now. I'm going through some pictures. Usually it's pictures of marching bands, or Capitol hill hearings, etc. But I'm going through the few pictures I have of myself. (im usually behind the lens). I've actually gotten younger looking since the ex left- strange isnt it?
here's a headshot from early 2014

This one was taken a few weeks ago. I'm not a fan of headshots, but I think it's very different from my old one.

This was taken about a month ago. I was a happy girl, driving into work. Knowing that I am truly loved. It's nice to be loved by someone who really means it.

Five Favorite Things
1. E's breathing
2. that it's 2015 and not the sad days of November 2013 when I didn't know what was going on.
3. taking pictures and getting pretty good at it (big shoot this week)
4. being warm right now as I write this. (E smells good)
5. that time heals.

P.S. I know I won't ever get that apology or sense of remorse. I won't ever get answers to questions I have. I don't think there are answers when people make choices like the ex made and if there are answers, they are not ones that will make me understand things. I won't ever really know why my ex took the hurtful turn he did. It's really been hard to accept that I will never have that clarity. I'm not sure that getting a close loser look at some bad shit is really all that beneficial anyway (in theory I know this at least) These were choices made by someone who chose to be dishonest and unfaithful to the people who loved him. I don't get the sense it's paid off for him, but that is not my problem. All I see is a ghost of a person with no real life to speak of, just some shitty bad actions to live with.

A Brisk November Walk

I had a pretty bad panic attack today on the metro. I actually had to get off and calm myself down a bit. It was super crowded and I don't usually ride it for several reasons. These panic attacks are something new for me. I had my first attack in early 2014, shortly after the trauma of my husband leaving abruptly. It feels like I can't breathe. It's pretty awful stuff. My heart races, I feel disoriented and the entire time I'm trying to talk myself out of having an attack and my advice just makes it worse.

Fortunately, I've not had many attacks. It's new stuff to me. Never had anything like this prior to early 2014. To be sure, it doesn't really seem fair to have some sort of condition as a result of bad choices (terrible choices) someone else made. The good thing is, I'm fine. And I do have faith that over time these panic attacks will be a thing of the past. They are strange. I never understood why people had them. Now I know.

Anyway, my man came over tonight. I was supposed to be on business travel this week but that changed and it's nice to have him here. We took a nice walk to get dinner. For all the bad stuff in the world, there are kind wonderful people. Very calming evening and such a stark difference from the metro ride.


Five Favorite Things:
1. not being on the metro
2. a good brisk walk to get dinner
3. that i'm not going to be the recipient of bad stuff from the ex
4. this man right next to me
5. this man

Where's That Girl?

I took a quick peek at some of my posts back in early 2014. Boy was I really trying to be brave and strong. I feel sad that I was so sad, but also proud that I was strong enough to be grateful for the good things in my life, my kids, my family, my friends and that I was setting out to heal in a good way.

I can't say the healing process has been all that smooth and it certainly has not been a straight path. I spend a lot of time missing my former partner and being mad at him and myself. It's a different kind of sadness. I can breath ok for example and I'm also pretty happy at times but I still have this grief stuff and it seems that when things don't go so well in my current life or when there is bump in the road a whole lot of things get triggered about my past life.

I shot this picture over the weekend. I can at least say that I think it's a beautiful photo. I'm still learning the photography thing. I've spent probably way too much money on equipment and now it's time to settle in and really focus on getting better at using it. I miss spending time behind the glass for no reason other than just wanting to.

It's also time to really focus on those goals I set nearly two years ago. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Perhaps if I took a broader look, I would see that I am indeed slowly making progress on those goals. I remind myself all the time that happiness is a feeling not a destination. That sucks. But it's the reality. So what triggers happiness and what triggers other feelings?

I don't like dark curtains that keep out the light (easily fixed) and I don't feel great about myself when I backslide. (work in progress)

This morning I wanted to wake up to a warm text message asking how I am and that didn't happen. So I'm asking myself how I am. I'm ok. Kinda sad, but ok.

Five Favorite Things:
1. that the office is closing early
2. that I'm writing
3. that I'm sad but still ok
4. this beautiful picture, (seeing it in person was even better and I'm glad I take the time to soak things in)
5. mending this heart.

A Year Ago

A year ago I was looking at these same trees and they looked so beautiful, but my heart was so heavy. I remembered stopping the car to call my now ex husband and urging him to reconsider what he was doing. I wanted so badly for all of the bad stuff to be shaken off. I wanted to understand why things happened. Well, it just wasn't in the cards. That's difficult, but it's the reality. There are no answers for the bad treatment, it was just a string of hurtful and bad decisions made that came my way. Are there regrets? I will never know.

Back then I was still trying to sort out why someone who I thought loved me just wanted to walk away and not think twice about it, not think about the hurt he caused to my family, my children to me. It was hard to accept that this special person would have lied and continued to lie, lie lie. I was still thinking that getting answers would make things better, or that it would at least help me understand.

I still carry sadness and there are days when I am reminded of some pretty difficult stuff. It's hard to have some pretty bad stuff come from a person who was a nice guy.

Here I am, a year later, shooting these trees with my good camera. I don't have the answers. I never will. But I do have far more now than I did then. I have my two boys, I have this mending heart and I have a new love. A year ago, I feared I'd never be able to love again and here I am and well, it's wonderful and scary and unpredictable and all that. It ain't just words, I can feel it!

Five Favorite Things
1. beautiful trees in Rock Creek Park
2. being a year later
3. that my heart is able to be mended
4. a comfortable bed
5. being loved

Before the Lens

I find myself in this new place. It is a melting pot of feelings and it does not feel like that stable barge of grief I've been floating on for the past two years. It feels more like a thin, sleek kayak that is low in the water and rocks around a bit with every little move or even the slightest wisp of wind.

Almost Always I am behind the lens, not in front of it. It is a safe place for me to capture the world. It's less scary that way and it feels less vulnerable. I think being vulnerable is okay, even with all the risks.

This is vulnerable, but it is also full of joy and hope and a few other things. I remind myself that feelings are not a destination, they are feelings. What truly is a destination is something that is continuous, joyful at times, difficult at times, safe at times and even uncertain at times.

I don't exactly know how you go from point A to point B. I thought I would have figured out by now the formula for having control over that sort of thing. But what I think I've figured out is that I am not sure if even trying to do so with absolute determination is really a worthwhile effort.

Five Favorite Things
1. being brave
2. being in front of the lens sometimes
3. sunlight filtering through the woods
4. an office with a door
5. kayaking (way more fun that being on a barge)

The Refugee Returns

I actually feel pretty happy. I have to pinch myself a bit. I'm still carrying a bit of grief with me, but I feel happy. Who would have known? I've been experiencing some kindness over the past few weeks that's growing into something really nice. It feels strange, like I'm having my first big meal on home soil after being away as a refugee for so long.

A year ago I would not be in this place. I'm not even sure where this place is, or what direction the path will lead, but so far so good. New things help you say goodbye to old things. And they give you hope. To be sure, they don't erase the old things, but they help you put that old stuff in the right place so your path isn't blocked.

Heading Out to Ohio

For the past few days, I've been operating on just a few hours of sleep. It's all by choice. It's great to explore and learn new things about people. I'm having fun in the process.
We are packing up to head out to Ohio today. It will be a long drive, bikes in tow- but I'm looking forward to getting away for a bit. (and then hurrying back :+))

For those of you who know me, this whole emoticon thing is not my thing, but I've been an emoticon person for the past couple of weeks. What does this mean? I have a full plate of things that lie ahead, but I'm pretty happy about all of it. (although I'm a bit sick of painting cows).

There's not much more that I can say at this point. New adventures!

Five favorite things:
1. being tired for a good reason
2. this really good cup of joe I'm drinking
3. having some really fun film projects/challenges on my plate
4. that we were able to get that complicated bike rack thing attached to the trailer hitch
5. acceptance, that it's here?

To Ask Yourself Every Morning

This is tough for me, especially when I'm sad and mad and some pretty crappy things happened to me by someone who was very special. but I'm trying. This has been my little routine of questions I ask myself every morning. Even in the hardest of times, there are good answers to these questions. I'm working through that whole forgiveness stuff- pretty hard- especially when the person involved isn't sorry, and has created a completely false version of the events that took place to benefit himself. But that isn't really what it's about. It isn't fair that the truth isn't out there, but that's okay. Forgiveness is about freedom. Forgiveness isn't something that requires a response from the person who did the wrong-- usually there isn't a response. Forgiveness is not forgetting, or minimizing or excusing. It's accepting.

It's hard to do. Every step of the way I get new hurdles, new bad behavior, new reasons to be mad etc. It's really really hard. I'm not going to ever really get a sense of remorse or regret or a heartfelt apology. It isn't there. I'm not going to get the answers I've needed. There's no desire to bring peace or closure on his part, so I find my own peace- it's hard.

 I have taken on a whole lot of difficult challenges in my life, and this one is the hardest. The story changes, the excuses, the meanness, the hostility etc. It's all very very difficult.  It's also the saddest. But sadness is only a feeling and it's not the only feeling I have. I do feel very very fortunate.

 It's most important to forgive those who least deserve it. There are people who have forgiven for far worse things so I can do this. It is something that will make me free and I am working through that. This posting is more preaching to myself more than anything else because I'm not doing such a good job at the whole anger, accepting, moving on, forgiving stuff. I feel today like I have taken several steps backward and I don't like it.

When I was in France it all seemed really easy- I felt removed from a lot of the hard stuff. I was doing one of my bucket list things and I felt pretty much at peace and ok that the bad stuff happened and it was behind me. But when I got back to my real life it kindof slapped me back in the face and the forgiving part and the sadness part got really really hard again.  All the stuff that happened came back like its fresh- the thing that's most upsetting is the cowardly behavior and the continual and changing lies. It's very very difficult. I try and remind myself that people with problems behave this way. But it's my heart that was hurt here. and It's the continual unkind, uncaring attitude that stupidly I expose myself to.

I need to forgive and let go. It's tough. I'm not doing so well at it. I did not use the word "should" our "ought" because I don't believe in those words. They crush the spirit. My spirit feels pretty crushed today. I'm doing some pretty amazing creative stuff too- things are going really well with my job, my kids are healthy and happy. I have a great home. These are all good things. Time to get back to creating.



1. What am I happiest about in my life right now?
2. What am I excited about in my life right now?
3. What am I most proud of in my life right now?
4. What am I most grateful for? (i realize the "for" should go at the beginning of this but i wanted the consistency)
5.  What am I enjoying?
6. What am I commited to?
7. Who or what do I love and who loves me?

How to Be Happy

1. be grateful for the family and friends who are true to you
2  recognize that you are strong, even when challenged or betrayed
3. work toward something that is challenging and exciting
4. look around and appreciate that which is beautiful
5. forgive, even when forgiveness does not feel like it is deserved

What a Challenge.

It occurred to me and was also suggested by a reader that I'm communicating that everything is fine and that I'm moving forward really successfully and that all is well.
Things are well. I'm fortunate and I remind myself of that all the time. Sometimes, I mean frequently, I feel like I've made no progress at all. In terms of moving forward, I'm doing my best, but it's not always a steady path forward. Sometimes there are roadblocks, sometimes I turn around and go back a bit, sometimes I'm standing still and looking back at something that has closed. I think all that is normal and I've decided not to beat myself up about it.

In early 2014 I was dealt an unexpected blow and my vision of who someone was became shattered. In reaction I tried to find all the pieces and push it back together, I sorted and sorted through all the pieces to try and make sense of things and in anger I stomped my feet and tried to crush the pieces.

During 2014 at times it was hard to get past that first 30 seconds when you wake up and it just seems like a new day. Then the glaze of grief hangs over you. I've had ample opportunities to get some pretty good perspective on things. It's easy to count my blessings and they are plentiful, but there is still that broken heart... and I don't know how long it will take to completely mend or if it ever will. I do know by experience and fruitless efforts that you can't get around grief, you have to get through it.

It's really, really hard to let go of something that mattered so much. I wish there were a switch or some sort of medical procedure that would help, but there isn't. And the reality is, my love was really true and strong and that's why it's hard to let go. This strong glue in my heart really holds.

So here I am, it's been a year and four months. I remember way back in 2014 when I was counting days. I stopped doing that. There are no scratches on the walls here marking how long I've been imprisoned in sadness. I didn't have to force myself, it just happened. So that was progress. I am truly grateful for any progress.

I've climbed mountains, rushed down rivers, taken off in the skies, captured the world with all my new lenses and I still have this grief, but I'm trekking along on this road called life. It's really, really hard to say goodbye. It's really, really hard to let something go, but it's what has to be and unfortunately it's not a quick process. I suppose I'm telling myself this over and over. Some days I think I'm doing pretty well at it and sometimes not so well. I guess I've been putting on this brave front on this blog. I am brave, but not always so strong. That's ok, I think it's alright not to be strong at times.

So you came into my life as I continued on this path called life
 and it was really wonderful to have you by my side for a time.
It took away some fear, I felt loved,  and safe, and happy.
It seemed that I would know exactly what would be on the horizon.
 As it turns out, we never really know what lies ahead,
but we still walk on this road called life.
Sometimes it’s bumpy, and rainy, and steep and cold.
Sometimes it's lovely
 and things are green and warm and colorful.
But the road continues,
and what lies ahead is the path to acceptance.

I've been getting into the whole video thing. Here's a video of me with my kids and my family at the beach in 2010. It was really touching to go through old video and put this together and it was also sad to leave out my ex-husband. He looked really happy in the videos and pictures, but he's searching for a new happiness now.

FIVE FAVORITE THINGS:
1. That I got up after that first 30 seconds when the weight of grief came back
2. That I will continue to get up
3. Smaller jeans today, tucked into riding boots
4. Tulips I brought back from Holland that are now peeking up
5. Not beating myself up and being okay that I'm still very sad.

The Onion Snow!

Today is the first day of Spring and it is snowing. My mother calls it "the Onion Snow."  I guess this means its time to plant the onions (i don't plant onions fyi)

Things have been very busy at work and on the home front, but I'm doing my best to plow through and keep on task as much as possible.

Today I woke up feeling pretty fortunate. I've had some opportunity to get some pretty good perspective on things. I can't say I'm not sad. Yes I am sad at times, but I'm also pretty darn lucky. On a very high point, I fixed my outdoor lamp-post myself. Yay!!

I've got a big swollen eye (i think an infection of some sort) so I'm not looking my best, but it's just temporary.

This coffee I'm drinking right now is pretty good. I feel ok.

Five Favorite Things:
1. having the opportunity to see things from a new perspective
2. that today is Friday
3. that opportunity lies ahead
4. that I'm gettin on gettin on
5. ok, just gotta be thankful again for this great cup of Joe!

Happy First Day of Spring! (the bikes will be out this weekend!)