To Ask Yourself Every Morning

This is tough for me, especially when I'm sad and mad and some pretty crappy things happened to me by someone who was very special. but I'm trying. This has been my little routine of questions I ask myself every morning. Even in the hardest of times, there are good answers to these questions. I'm working through that whole forgiveness stuff- pretty hard- especially when the person involved isn't sorry, and has created a completely false version of the events that took place to benefit himself. But that isn't really what it's about. It isn't fair that the truth isn't out there, but that's okay. Forgiveness is about freedom. Forgiveness isn't something that requires a response from the person who did the wrong-- usually there isn't a response. Forgiveness is not forgetting, or minimizing or excusing. It's accepting.

It's hard to do. Every step of the way I get new hurdles, new bad behavior, new reasons to be mad etc. It's really really hard. I'm not going to ever really get a sense of remorse or regret or a heartfelt apology. It isn't there. I'm not going to get the answers I've needed. There's no desire to bring peace or closure on his part, so I find my own peace- it's hard.

 I have taken on a whole lot of difficult challenges in my life, and this one is the hardest. The story changes, the excuses, the meanness, the hostility etc. It's all very very difficult.  It's also the saddest. But sadness is only a feeling and it's not the only feeling I have. I do feel very very fortunate.

 It's most important to forgive those who least deserve it. There are people who have forgiven for far worse things so I can do this. It is something that will make me free and I am working through that. This posting is more preaching to myself more than anything else because I'm not doing such a good job at the whole anger, accepting, moving on, forgiving stuff. I feel today like I have taken several steps backward and I don't like it.

When I was in France it all seemed really easy- I felt removed from a lot of the hard stuff. I was doing one of my bucket list things and I felt pretty much at peace and ok that the bad stuff happened and it was behind me. But when I got back to my real life it kindof slapped me back in the face and the forgiving part and the sadness part got really really hard again.  All the stuff that happened came back like its fresh- the thing that's most upsetting is the cowardly behavior and the continual and changing lies. It's very very difficult. I try and remind myself that people with problems behave this way. But it's my heart that was hurt here. and It's the continual unkind, uncaring attitude that stupidly I expose myself to.

I need to forgive and let go. It's tough. I'm not doing so well at it. I did not use the word "should" our "ought" because I don't believe in those words. They crush the spirit. My spirit feels pretty crushed today. I'm doing some pretty amazing creative stuff too- things are going really well with my job, my kids are healthy and happy. I have a great home. These are all good things. Time to get back to creating.



1. What am I happiest about in my life right now?
2. What am I excited about in my life right now?
3. What am I most proud of in my life right now?
4. What am I most grateful for? (i realize the "for" should go at the beginning of this but i wanted the consistency)
5.  What am I enjoying?
6. What am I commited to?
7. Who or what do I love and who loves me?

How to Be Happy

1. be grateful for the family and friends who are true to you
2  recognize that you are strong, even when challenged or betrayed
3. work toward something that is challenging and exciting
4. look around and appreciate that which is beautiful
5. forgive, even when forgiveness does not feel like it is deserved