Monday, April 13, 2015
Tuesday, April 07, 2015
What a Challenge.
It occurred to me and was also suggested by a reader that I'm communicating that everything is fine and that I'm moving forward really successfully and that all is well.
Things are well. I'm fortunate and I remind myself of that all the time. Sometimes, I mean frequently, I feel like I've made no progress at all. In terms of moving forward, I'm doing my best, but it's not always a steady path forward. Sometimes there are roadblocks, sometimes I turn around and go back a bit, sometimes I'm standing still and looking back at something that has closed. I think all that is normal and I've decided not to beat myself up about it.
In early 2014 I was dealt an unexpected blow and my vision of who someone was became shattered. In reaction I tried to find all the pieces and push it back together, I sorted and sorted through all the pieces to try and make sense of things and in anger I stomped my feet and tried to crush the pieces.
During 2014 at times it was hard to get past that first 30 seconds when you wake up and it just seems like a new day. Then the glaze of grief hangs over you. I've had ample opportunities to get some pretty good perspective on things. It's easy to count my blessings and they are plentiful, but there is still that broken heart... and I don't know how long it will take to completely mend or if it ever will. I do know by experience and fruitless efforts that you can't get around grief, you have to get through it.
It's really, really hard to let go of something that mattered so much. I wish there were a switch or some sort of medical procedure that would help, but there isn't. And the reality is, my love was really true and strong and that's why it's hard to let go. This strong glue in my heart really holds.
So here I am, it's been a year and four months. I remember way back in 2014 when I was counting days. I stopped doing that. There are no scratches on the walls here marking how long I've been imprisoned in sadness. I didn't have to force myself, it just happened. So that was progress. I am truly grateful for any progress.
I've climbed mountains, rushed down rivers, taken off in the skies, captured the world with all my new lenses and I still have this grief, but I'm trekking along on this road called life. It's really, really hard to say goodbye. It's really, really hard to let something go, but it's what has to be and unfortunately it's not a quick process. I suppose I'm telling myself this over and over. Some days I think I'm doing pretty well at it and sometimes not so well. I guess I've been putting on this brave front on this blog. I am brave, but not always so strong. That's ok, I think it's alright not to be strong at times.
So you came into my life as I continued on this path called life
and it was really wonderful to have you by my side for a time.
It took away some fear, I felt loved, and safe, and happy.
It seemed that I would know exactly what would be on the horizon.
As it turns out, we never really know what lies ahead,
but we still walk on this road called life.
Sometimes it’s bumpy, and rainy, and steep and cold.
Sometimes it's lovely
and things are green and warm and colorful.
But the road continues,
and what lies ahead is the path to acceptance.
I've been getting into the whole video thing. Here's a video of me with my kids and my family at the beach in 2010. It was really touching to go through old video and put this together and it was also sad to leave out my ex-husband. He looked really happy in the videos and pictures, but he's searching for a new happiness now.
FIVE FAVORITE THINGS:
1. That I got up after that first 30 seconds when the weight of grief came back
2. That I will continue to get up
3. Smaller jeans today, tucked into riding boots
4. Tulips I brought back from Holland that are now peeking up
5. Not beating myself up and being okay that I'm still very sad.
Things are well. I'm fortunate and I remind myself of that all the time. Sometimes, I mean frequently, I feel like I've made no progress at all. In terms of moving forward, I'm doing my best, but it's not always a steady path forward. Sometimes there are roadblocks, sometimes I turn around and go back a bit, sometimes I'm standing still and looking back at something that has closed. I think all that is normal and I've decided not to beat myself up about it.
In early 2014 I was dealt an unexpected blow and my vision of who someone was became shattered. In reaction I tried to find all the pieces and push it back together, I sorted and sorted through all the pieces to try and make sense of things and in anger I stomped my feet and tried to crush the pieces.
During 2014 at times it was hard to get past that first 30 seconds when you wake up and it just seems like a new day. Then the glaze of grief hangs over you. I've had ample opportunities to get some pretty good perspective on things. It's easy to count my blessings and they are plentiful, but there is still that broken heart... and I don't know how long it will take to completely mend or if it ever will. I do know by experience and fruitless efforts that you can't get around grief, you have to get through it.
It's really, really hard to let go of something that mattered so much. I wish there were a switch or some sort of medical procedure that would help, but there isn't. And the reality is, my love was really true and strong and that's why it's hard to let go. This strong glue in my heart really holds.
So here I am, it's been a year and four months. I remember way back in 2014 when I was counting days. I stopped doing that. There are no scratches on the walls here marking how long I've been imprisoned in sadness. I didn't have to force myself, it just happened. So that was progress. I am truly grateful for any progress.
I've climbed mountains, rushed down rivers, taken off in the skies, captured the world with all my new lenses and I still have this grief, but I'm trekking along on this road called life. It's really, really hard to say goodbye. It's really, really hard to let something go, but it's what has to be and unfortunately it's not a quick process. I suppose I'm telling myself this over and over. Some days I think I'm doing pretty well at it and sometimes not so well. I guess I've been putting on this brave front on this blog. I am brave, but not always so strong. That's ok, I think it's alright not to be strong at times.
So you came into my life as I continued on this path called life
and it was really wonderful to have you by my side for a time.
It took away some fear, I felt loved, and safe, and happy.
It seemed that I would know exactly what would be on the horizon.
As it turns out, we never really know what lies ahead,
but we still walk on this road called life.
Sometimes it’s bumpy, and rainy, and steep and cold.
Sometimes it's lovely
and things are green and warm and colorful.
But the road continues,
and what lies ahead is the path to acceptance.
I've been getting into the whole video thing. Here's a video of me with my kids and my family at the beach in 2010. It was really touching to go through old video and put this together and it was also sad to leave out my ex-husband. He looked really happy in the videos and pictures, but he's searching for a new happiness now.
FIVE FAVORITE THINGS:
1. That I got up after that first 30 seconds when the weight of grief came back
2. That I will continue to get up
3. Smaller jeans today, tucked into riding boots
4. Tulips I brought back from Holland that are now peeking up
5. Not beating myself up and being okay that I'm still very sad.